To just really miss my grandad

[PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck]

I'm approaching 40. He was approaching 93 but died 5 months ago. He had an awesome long life and me and my children were lucky to have him so long. He had a relatively unexpected and sudden death and I know he would be happy and content with this. But he was just so great and I can't get over the fact he's gone, I loved him so much. But because he was pretty old and I'm a fully grown up, grown up, I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to just accept it and be okay - but it's hard. When will it be better?

I lost my grandma in September and I’d say right now it’s easier but only because it doesn’t hurt as much.

Last night I had a dream about her, she sitting on a bench and I kept asking her to come with me. Think the sadness will always be there but you just get used to it.

I lost my nan in September and I just miss her so much. It's not as hard now as it was at first but I'll just be going about my day and something random will make me think of her and I'll be crying.
She was only 72 I wanted her for years yet.

Sorry for your loss OP.
It’s hard to lose someone close to you.
People say “oo 93? He had a good innings” etc not really helpful when you are grieving.
It does get better, honest.
I’ve recently lost my mum and a close friend. It’s really shitty
One of the things that helps me is thinking what they would both say to me.
They wouldn’t want me to be miserable or self destructive.
Remember him with love and happiness

Of course you miss him. I miss my grandparents, too. All four of them were wonderful and I was very close to them. For as sad as I can be sometimes over not having them anymore, I always keep in mind how much they wanted me to be happy and live a full life. I'm sure you're granddad felt the same. Your greatest tribute to him is to live a fulfilling life.

I often post similar things about my Nan x she also passed away just short of 5 months ago. I miss her so very much, think of her every single day but just beginning to cope better now.
I still very much feel she is with me, just above somewhere. I love her the world and would give anything to have her back.
Just wanted to let you know that it really is ok to feel this way xxx best wishes xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss Princess. It's incredibly hard to lose someone you have loved your whole life, even when you're a "fully grown up grown up".

Of course it's not unreasonable to miss him as much as you do - he's always been a part of your life; you've never had to live without him before so it's a huge change, as much as anything else. It's wonderful that he was so loved, that he lived such a long life and that he had the chance to be not just a Grandad, but a Great-Grandad too!

I was incredibly close to my Nan - I used to call in to spend an hour or so with her on my way home from work every day and we'd spend every other Saturday afternoon sinking half-pints of lager in the pub round the corner from her house whilst we gossiped about everyone we knew! She died 18 years ago this month, when I was 21 and I was very much as you sound now - just lost and a bit, sort of... untethered - if that makes sense?

As for when it will feel better, I think it depends on the individual. I remember feeling very sad and tearful for the first few months, but I was able to remember, and talk about her without getting upset by Christmas - although the day itself had difficult bits because of all the associated memories, but they were all happy ones (or very, very silly ones!)

Even now, 18 years on, I still have moments when something embarrassing or exciting happens and I think "Ha! I can't wait to tell Nan - she'll LOVE this one!" swiftly followed by a sinking feeling, but then I love that she's still often the first person I think of to tell! She never got to meet DH or my DCs, but I know she'd have called them "my little scamps" or "you two mischiefs!" and that makes me smile.

It's OK to feel how you do right now - in fact it's normal to feel exactly how you do right now, it's when happens when someone we love dies and we just need to remember that the reason it hurts so badly, is because we loved them so, so much.

OP, its okay My lovely Papa died 25 years ago and I still have moments of sadness. Its a nice kind of sadness, if that makes sense, because its directly related to how wonderful my life has been because he was in it.

I never had grandparents and so my first thought was that how lovely it must be to have had grandparents in your life and memories to treasure and perhaps to take comfort from that. I don't mean to detract from your loss at all x

Oh, op, of course you miss him.

From the title of your post I was imagining you would have been talking about someone who died years ago, yet I was still already planning to tell you it's ok to still miss someone you loved so dearly.

Five months is still so raw and new. This idea that people have to rapidly "accept and move on" (especially for the reasons you've given) is a very cultural phenomenon - it's not real, it's not natural and it's not helpful. It doesn't exist in other cultures.

Please stop beating yourself up for your feelings - it can only be adding to your pain. You don't deserve that.

I still miss my grandad and it's been several years. He too was old and had a good life, but it brought me little to no comfort about no longer having him in mine. I'm still here, and I want you to know the pain becomes easier to cope with. It won't always feel as raw and consuming as it does right now.

Your grief and the pain you feel will shift and will become easier to carry. It happens gradually over time until one day you look back and see the change. Please don't feel you can't seek out bereavement counselling / support if you feel it would help. It's for anyone suffering after a loss, not just certain kinds of losses.

The thing that helps me sometimes is to think about the way he shaped the person I am today, the things I have in my life that are influenced by him, the values we shared that still guide me, and the things that it is important for me to express to my loved ones now and how I want those relationships to be in the future... Because those are all things you haven't lost, and are the ways he stays with you beyond the memories you hold.

Take care. If you can, try to do one nice thing for yourself each day, however small.

I lost my nan and great aunt 4 years ago. They were the life and heart of the family and yes like everyone says they were a good age but I'd give my right arm to have them back with me. To talk to them and hold them again. It still hurts so much.
It's a blessing we have our grandparents so long but the price we pay is the pain when they are gone.
I loved them so very much, cared and looked after them and try to look back and remember the fun, the good times and as I got older the changing relationship I had where I looked after them with the love they have me as s child.
So sorry for your loss x

P.s. As you'll see from the posts here, we all have different ways of coping and different things we find comforting. Some work for each of us, others might make us feel even deeper sorrow.

Take whichever collection of coping tools that feel helpful to you (from here, from the comments you receive day to day, from any reading you've done) and cast aside the ones that don't work for you.

I say this because when my grief was raw I felt like there was something wrong with me for finding no comfort in several of the ways I was being told to cope, and it just made it all so much worse.

As you sound like you're already beating youself up for not conforming to one version of grief, I just thought it might help to "receive permission" to reject coping mechanisms that don't work for you and just focus on the ones that do. We're all different.

I still miss my Nanna every day and she died over a decade ago. It's been worse since I had my daughter because I wish so much they could have met. I was also gutted last year when we lost the cat who was a kitten when my Nanna died, because I realised that she'd been dead a cat's lifetime. I don't have anyone to share memories with because I can't mention her around my mum without my mum trashing her (my Nanna wasn't the easiest woman but their difficult relationship was very much six of one, half a dozen of the other, and I suspect that the main reason my mum slates her is that she gets very jealous and can't accept that I had any other attachment figures as a child). Grief can be bloody lonely.

Doesn't help that I feel that I started to "lose" my family around the same time (long story but my mother met a new man around the same time who acted like a complete fucking pervert towards me in very underhand ways, and I've felt increasingly sidelined in my family since I stood up to him). So I feel that I lost so much else when I lost my Nanna.

Sorry, OP - not much in here to help, although the grief does get less raw over the years. And I like to think that our sorrow and memories at least keep them alive in some way.

Thanks for helpful and kind words everyone. I have good days and bad days - yesterday was a bad one I think!

And those days are normal x be kind to yourself x