To not want to hang out at the place where I got sacked from?

[Islands81]

I’m really not sure if IABU or not, because I’m generally feeling a bit depressed and emotional and all over the place at the moment about lots of stuff.

I worked somewhere for a couple of months 2 years ago, and then I was sacked. I didn’t really do anything wrong, it was more a personality clash between me and one of the owners of the business, although they got my direct manager to actually do the firing bit.

I was actually quite relieved to leave there, as I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I have seen ex-colleagues around socially occasionally since (small town) and it’s been pleasant enough.

Recently I’ve been having a bit of an existential crisis. I have ASD and various health problems, so it’s very difficult for me to find a job. I am feeling really useless and worthless and worried about the future. And, amongst many other things, I’ve been thinking back about the job I was sacked from, and it’s kind of confirmed to me what I’ve been feeling about myself, that I’m just a bit shit and incapable of stuff. I haven’t had another job since then (although I am self employed running my own small business).

Anyway, a couple of months ago my bf was offered some work at the same place I was fired from (they called him, he didn’t apply). He’s been working there ever since, full time, literally 7 days a week at the moment. He’s been fully welcomed into the fold there and they love him, and he’s being paid really well. Again, I’ve found this difficult as whilst I want to be happy for him, it’s highlighted to me that he’s everything I’m not. I’m really struggling for money at the moment too so whilst I’m happy for him that his situation has turned around, it’s tough when I literally can’t afford electric.

The place he works/I used to work is quite sociable, and there’s meals out and stuff. My bf keeps trying to involve me in these things, and also get me to come and see him at work and hang out there. But I just can’t, I would feel like such a loser sitting there being ‘the rejected one’. I’m not part of the gang, that happened when they sacked me, so why pretend? They are mostly nice enough people but in my current frame of mind I think being around them is just going to remind me of bad times. Problem is, this is causing a bit of an issue as work has taken over my bf’s life, and I’ve deliberately excluded myself from it.

Am I being a bit of a dick? Should I just suck it up and start socialising with them for his sake?

YANBU

He's unreasonable to ask you.

I totally understand you not wanting to go there - I'd feel the same I think. However, it seems like you're missing out on spending time with your boyfriend and are perhaps feeling a little isolated generally?

Do you think you could cope with hanging out with some of his colleagues away from his place of work? Say if they all went for a drink after work somewhere, would you feel able to go along and meet him there - particularly if the Manager 'who did the firing' wasn't there? It would be an opportunity to get to know some new people (and to reacquaint yourself with some that you already know). That way you'd get to spend time with your BF and would also start to feel more comfortable around the people he works with.

If that went well, eventually you may start to feel able to visit him at his place of work - perhaps you could pop in to drop off his lunch one day, stop for a quick 5 minute chat the next time and gradually build up from there? If you're unsure about how your presence would be received by the Manager, you could ask your BF to have a quiet word with them and check to make sure that you'll be made to feel welcome - I can't see any reason why it should be a problem, but it might ease your anxiety about going there if you knew you'd get a warm welcome.

It sounds like his new job is becoming a big part of your BF's life (and it's great that he's found a job he enjoys, with colleagues he likes to spend time with and that you're supportive of him working there), but if you don't give yourself a little push out of your comfort zone, you're likely to feel more and more left out as time goes on.

It may feel uncomfortable to begin with, but I'm sure your BF will appreciate your efforts and that it will have a positive affect on your confidence.

Good luck Islands!

I wouldn't want to hang around with them actively or socially, but it would be nice to be able to say 'hi' in the street which is what you can do. It's very unfortunate he's got a job there and you were sacked- I wouldn't want reminding of this either. I think he should be a bit more understanding of your position. Hope your business works out, you sound articulate and interesting, this one time it didn't work out but something will in the future, good luck with it all.

There may be a whole new set of staff. I understand your thinking and feelings of rejection, but screw them. Go brag about running your own business, how it fits your lifestyle perfect.
Do they have a high staff turnover, try one night see how it goes.

Thanks for the replies. @betsybignose I do see what you’re saying; however it’s a VERY small team that he works with (about 5), so they’re all super close, call each other family etc, and I’m really not part of their gang. The person that fired me is central to everything they do really so there’s no getting away from them. If I was to spend time with them I know they’d be being nice to me just because I am in a relationship with my bf, when they couldn’t give a shit about me before.

I was so happy when I first got that job, don’t want to be outing so won’t say what but it was a place/industry I was super-keen to get involved with, and I liked having a purpose and sense of worth. And now my bf has that very same thing, at the very same place. The job involves lots of events that are really interesting and fun, think entertainment industry kind of thing, so it’s both a job and a fun social life in one for him. And I’m not part of it .

@Emerald nope it’s just the exact same, very close small group that were there when I worked there.

I wouldn't want to either. I actually think he's a bit of a dick for taking a job there. Did he know how it affected you?

Emmeline, I think deep down I am probably a bit pissed off with him too, but I know logically that’s really unreasonable. He’s been struggling financially too, there’s not many well paid jobs around here. And then he was offered this job paying very good money, just up the road, and it’s an interesting job. I can’t really blame him for taking it. There’s no point in him suffering because I am.

Ahhh, I see - I had kind of pictured it being a big pub, with maybe 15-20 staff and a high turnover so had imagined that many of the staff would be different, I can totally understand how it being the same 5 people would make it difficult for you.

In which case, I'd have to agree with PPs and say try having a word with your BF about it. I'd frame it as:

I'm really happy you've got a job you're enjoying and I'm supportive of you doing it.

But I miss you - we've not had much opportunity to spend time together recently because you're working so hard.

You know how I used to work there? It was a difficult time for me because of x, y and z and it's left me feeling anxious about being around your colleagues or being in the venue, so I hope you understand why I feel so anxious about spending time with them or going there, that I literally cannot do it. I have really thought about it, because I want to be able to spend more time with you, but I am simply not able to.

I would like it if we could spend more time together, let's plan some things in the next few weeks to look forward to. (And then you plan loads of things on his mornings/afternoons/days off, which don't include his colleagues. It can just be as simple as going for a walk in the woods, watching a film, cooking a meal together, walking the dog etc. and doesn't have to cost money.)

In the meantime, I would focus on your business - perhaps see if there are any related courses or qualifications at your local college (or even unrelated ones, it would help improve your self-confidence and would be a chance to meet people, but you wouldn't have to be best friends with them if you didn't want to, it just might be nice to have some other people you can hang out with when BF is at work?)

I think you need to be really clear with BF about how badly you have been affected by your experience working there, but as long as you're showing him you're supportive of him, he should be equally happy and enthusiastic about supporting your needs - I hope he is!

I can understand your discomfort, I certainly would not be socializing with the group either.

Maybe BF needs to draw the line a bit as to where his work and private life begins and ends?

Islands81 If they are all the same staff, I wouldn't go either.
It must be shit your DP working there, they are probably fawning over him even more, especially if it is a village.
Please do not let this job ruin your self esteem anymore. I left my current job for better things, I got treated like total crap by a very well known company, I was proud I got the job, they ripped my confidence apart in 9 months, I eventually got sacked, I'd always had a good track record in work, helpful reliable hard working
I am back in my old reliable job, I didn't work for 2 years after it, I cringed when I saw certain staff, Now I know I was the scapegoat, they had a massive staff turn over, everyone was fake.
The time I spent recovering is on my life regrets list, what a waste, feck them.
Can your DP get a new job, he probably is happy there, it is a hard situation OP. I'd hate it.

I wouldn't want to socialise with this group if I were you. Bf is not unreasonable for accepting a job he needed, but it's not fair to expect you to be friends with someone who sacked you.
I really hope you're able to get a job of your own soon as I think that would make you feel heaps better

Ahh ok. If there aren't many jobs around it's understandable. Although deep down I'd probably feel annoyed too. However he shouldn't be parading the social stuff in front of you and expecting you to act like it's ok.

He's being v unreasonable and most inconsiderate. I wouldn't be happy to oblige him on this. I think something like this would turn me against him a little bit. I'm not sure the relationship would survive this, if I was in your shoes.

YANBU for not wanting to hang out with them. Maybe the occasional Christmas party if partners are invited and you feel up to it, but I'm with you- I certainly wouldn't want to hang out with employees of an organisation I'd been fired from unless some were particularly good friends.

He is NBU for taking the job but I think he is BU to expect you to socialise with his colleagues and like it.

they’re all super close, call each other family etc

yet they kicked you out the nest....no thanks.

YANBU.

YANBU. He is being a bit of an arse trying to make you play happy families with people from the company that fired you. In addition, he can't see that it must be hurting you that he has fitted in really well and is very happy in a place you couldn't fit into due to the personality clash you faced.

I couldn’t socialise with them and I think he is being an arse to make you try.

But you only worked there for a couple of months 2 years ago?
You didnt pass your probation perhaps, rather than got sacked?
are they nice to you?
perhaps you can move on from the experience, it wasnt for you, you were on egg shells.
take the plunge.
you dont have to repeat it but try it?

A lot of you have explained how this feels for me probably better than I could. He’s working so much that obviously he has nothing else to talk about, and each funny little story or whatever that he tells me feels like a kick in the teeth. I know this is probably my problem, because of ASD I struggle to really fit in anywhere and this is a bit of a problem when it comes to jobs. I have some good friends who ‘get me’, but I’ve been so depressed lately that I’ve been distancing myself from them too. I am finding being around people exhausting at the moment.

My business has taken a nose-dive the last few months, even though I have more stock than ever for sale. So financially I’m pretty screwed, and at the same time he’s excited because he’s earning around 1k a week and he’s looking forward to all the things he can do now. Which include going travelling for 2 months over the grimmest bit of next winter. Which is lovely for him, not so great for me. So he’s working really long hours and I hardly see him, but we don’t live together and it’s all for his benefit (I don’t expect him to support me or my dc by the way, but it’s tough when at the moment I feel massive amounts of stress re money and can’t see a way out of that).

I am jealous, on a number of levels. But that makes me feel ridiculous because he’s so supportive of me and if things were going well for me he’d be really happy for me.

I tried to tell him how I feel last night but don’t think I did a very good job. I woke up to a nice message from him saying how much he loves me and he’s sorry for going on about work so much, but he’s just excited that things are turning around for him. And I get that. And then he phones me (from work) to tell me some funny things that have happened this morning and I just want to scream.

I know if things were going well for me none of this would be so much of an issue, which I was I feel like I’m just being a bit needlessly bitter. And that’s not very nice behaviour from me.

What on earth is he doing that is 1k a week? I'm starting to think it's the local drug ring!

Springisallaround - it’s all above board! Can’t really say as it would be very outing.

@Emerald nope it’s just the exact same, very close small group that were there when I worked there

Wild horses and all that, OP...

YANBU.

I imagine it could be rather uncomfortable for the person who sacked you too so not one of your boyfriend’s brighter ideas all round.

I think if your business was going really well then you would see it as a lucky escape given that you had some difficulties getting on with someone there. Your boyfriend should be able to understand how difficult it is for you at the moment though and not be pushing you to spend time there. (I doubt 5 people hanging out all the time is really that much fun anyway, personally I prefer to mix with a wider group.)

What can we do to help you with your business plan, as if that went well it would fix everything? You say you have stock, are you selling on Facebook / ebay, is it something you make... Why do you think you're not getting in as many sales as before?

Op without giving away too much, my dh's job involves telling businesses where they could improve essentially. If you want to pm me he'd be happy to have a look.

I think you are experiencing very normal reactions OP. Your dismissal was hurtful because you don't really have a clear reason as to why your services were terminated. The memories of fellow workers are triggering your grief, rather than healing it.

If it helps any, you are not alone. I resigned from a position 5 years ago that I thoroughly enjoyed up until the group had a new President.

In the few months he was there, he banned me from attending official meetings (I was the society's secretary and venue manager), he banned and stop the use of security cameras in the premise (when I commenced we had staff stealing issues and it was my job to record anything out of the ordinary and report it to a private detective the business had engaged). 'Someone'' on the staff was fiddling with official stock recording which he was aware of, however instead of dealing with it, he used it as a reason for the official recording system not to be used for auditing purposes etc. There was a whole stack of other actions that were designed to undermine my position and my character. In the end I chucked it in at an informal meeting.

The long term impact would see me bursting into tears in public places in front of former clients. I started drinking more of an evening after work hours and Hubby on night shift. My confidence dropped to an all-time low when I felt I former workplace clients would see me but look away in the local shops.

The feeling is terrible I know. I think I should have got help and sought legal advice, but I didn't at the time. Perhaps this is an avenue you should consider at least getting some help to move you on?