AIBU to think everyone judges?

[NebulaPond]

I have a 7 year old son with SN, he has complex issues including ASD and ADHD. It's hard work as his behaviour can be quite difficult at times.

One such behaviour is swearing. He swears a lot. Because of this I don't like going out with him in public, it's really stressful. People stare. Sometimes venturing into public is unavoidable and today was one such day. I got a few looks and one lady actually shook her head in disapproval as my 7 year old was screaming f**k and dancing around with his middle fingers up. I know how it looks which is I avoid public places. He has been swearing like this since he was 5.

My auntie thinks I need to get out more and worry less as everyone knows he has SN so no one is judging me. I think this is not true. I think everyone judges. The one question I get asked when I talk to anyone about his SN and swearing, and the question that has probably crossed all of your minds reading this is... 'where do you think he picked the language up from?' The inference being that he hears it at home, or I am somehow to blame.

I actually don't swear, I've certainly never sworn in front of the children. I have heard swearing come from my neighbours garden so that's a possibility. He says he learnt it from a child at school. Also possible. I actually think most children have heard swear words, they just know not to swear! He actually doesn't know that many either, he only uses 3 words and one hand gesture.

My point is though, I feel stressed out when out in public as my perception is everyone is judging on some level. Even people who understand he has SN. My auntie thinks people are not judging so I should relax. What do you think?

My son has ADHD and is currently being tested for autism. I'm always getting looked at in public because of his "awkward and peculiar behaviour " totally normal to me as I'm used to it but people just stare at him likes he's got two heads . Breaks my heart

Today I was in a department store, and I heard a child who was in full on meltdown, swearing most creatively, being wrangled by his parent.

I thought (and I'm not the most tolerant of people, quite old fashioned), there's a SEN kid, and I could see the parent doing their best, calmly, containing their child, until they were at the point they could leave.

And all I felt or thought was awe for that parent who did so well in such difficult circumstances, while worrying about being judged. Because you could see the parent looking around. But all I saw was people with sympathy, empathy and compassion in their eyes.

Oh OP! I absolutely wouldn't judge. Honestly, I would assume there were other issues and complex needs involved, I would feel nothing but sympathy.

I really do think that people are far more aware of the possibility of special needs now, and far more understanding as a result. Thanks in part to social media!

And there's always 'thems' that matter don't mind, and thems' that mind don't matter'. . .

I certainly don’t. It also sounds as if in your DS’s case, it’s obvious he has additional needs, so only utter social dimwits would be pursing their lips.

I wouldn't judge you or anybody else. My kids have had super tantrums and I've wished the floor could open up but, it happened, I think most people have seen it all before and regardless of what people think on MN, I've found that people are generally tolerant of children, especially when they can see that you're doing your best.

I would always think that there's a reason, whether it's SN or something else, and I would give the parent what I fondly imagine is a 'Don't worry, we've all been there' smile.

There are way too many people who are very proud of their judgemental attitude on MN, but I honestly don't encounter that in real life.

No matter you do, someone somewhere will judge it because - to some - a mother's place is in the wrong. Ignore them and do whatever you want to.

DS has ASD and now he's a little older I don't encounter judgemental stares as much. I think it's a combination of his SN being more apparent now as most 10yos don't sob on the floor in Tesco during a fire alarm test or hide under the chairs at the shoe shop and me being so used to encountering judgement that I don't particularly notice it any more.

Many people are more educated about the possibility of special needs nowadays. I wouldn't assume anything. The opinions of ignorant people who judge without knowing a situation are irrelevant. Who cares what they think? They're the ones who deserve judgement for making assumptions about situations they know nothing about.

Don't be a slave to other people's opinions, don't give them that power, they don't own you. Go live your life, take your son out and hold your head high.

Thank you for a the kind replies - been a hectic day.

The thing is he is not always having a meltdown down swearing. In fact most of the time he is laughing. CAMHS said it's his way of communicating. With him laughing is a warning sign that all is not well, but it probably just looks like he thinks he is hilarious. Or something may mildly annoy him and he will just respond quite calmly with 'fuck off'. His teacher at school referred us to children's services and one of the reasons listed was 'swears in context'. So he doesn't always look like a SN child in the throws of a meltdown.

I also worry other SN parents might be judging me as maybe they feel that yes although he does have SN there could be better ways of handling it. I've tried everything. It's just so hard.

But maybe people are not as judgemental as I think.

I think a lot of people are judgemental but what you have to ask yourself is- do you care enough about what strangers think to stop you living life? There will be people who understand and offer you help and there will be people that stop and stare open mouthed. If these people ever had to walk a mile in your shoes they wouldn't be judgemental.

Please don't let ignorant people put you off going out and enjoying life, I think you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances x

I have two with SEN, one of who swears but less so in public. I feel for you OP. it's always difficult to know what to do, I tend to be very hands on with mine and address a lot of things, but I've known in the past it's been the wring decision and sometimes my trying to manage the situation causing things to escalate, it's such a delicate balance. Other than reward charts/jars where he can earn rewards for not swearing I don't know what to suggest.

Yes people will judge unfortunately, people have been really cruel to me in the past. I used to go to church and that was the place I received the most judgement, people would come up to me and tell me he needed a good "seeing to" and a lot of these people worked with individuals with SEN , teachers etc. It's taken a long item to develop a thick skin and assert myself.

I've seen some children with t shirts made with writing in the back saying things like, I have autism people don't stare etc.

I guess the only advice i can give is know his triggers and ways to minimise or introduce them slowly on a controlled way. I've always taken mine out with me, but I do avoid crowds, we do theme parks but when it's quiet, it's taken years and we have left zoos 20 minutes after arriving as it's too much, but now I can take them most places but I always have a plan b (and often c, d and e too).

Honestly any normal person would look if there was a loud noise or if there was swearing purely just to make sure the surroundings are safe. When I looked if it was a child I would assume there were SN and carry on. I would probably try and make eye contact and give you a little smile just so you know that it doesn't matter.

Live your life lovely. Even if someone does give you a funny look trust me they wont even think about it the next day x x

Nebula; the judgemental people are always judging about something, they live in a mentality that's always looking to criticise, they're judging everybody anyway. Anything they can pick is just an excuse. It says everything about them which is why they're irrelevant. Remember that.

People who are worth knowing and with opinions that are worth caring about will never make assumptions about people they don't know. Pleasant people will always have better things to think and do than sit around judging with catsbum face.

Your son is just as worthy to live in this world as everybody else. Take him out and let him experience it without apology. He is good enough and deserving as he is.

I always assume SEN when I see kids who are older than toddlers having meltdowns or swearing etc, and I would never judge those parents - I just see people dealing with difficult circumstances and doing their best. Some people will inevitably judge, but that says much more about them than you!

You need to be careful not to assume people looking means people are judging. It's normal to look at things that are going on around you that are a bit unusual.

I wouldn't judge either as I'd assume there was a possibility of SEN.