‘I didn’t mean to’ is not an apology

[PookieDo]

AIBU that it’s not an apology at all it is a defence? Or is it simply personal perspective?

I have had a disagreement with my DM about things she does and says that hurt my feelings (and DC) and very infuriating. I know she is very ignorant and insensitive sometimes but every time I bring something like this up she says ‘ I didn’t mean it like that’ or ‘well that’s not what I meant’

So I asked if she was going to apologise or sorry and she said ‘I already have, I told you I didn’t mean it that way’. I tried to explain that it is not an apology or a dropped pint of milk that was accidental because I’ve told her before and she is still doing it. She seems to think that it’s ok if in her own mind it was meant one way but came out an unpleasant way and that I am over sensitive. She then adds more insults and pitiful guilt trips on to the end to try to defend herself and then I start to feel bad bringing it up!

If you have to ask for an apology it isnt sincere

It's just like saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't fish for apologies. If they were actually sorry they would say so.

AIBU that it’s not an apology at all it is a defence?
Fact attack: The word apology means 'defence' in Greek.

I do get that this is annoying though.

No, it's awful. My mother's line is 'I didn't think...', to which I always want to respond, 'Well, you should have thought.'

My MIL called me a bitch behind my back and when husband asked for a apology as I heard her I got a text saying 'sorry you heard' A year on i still think my husband should have pulled her up on it BUT I kept the peace and accepted the 'apology'!

She’s admitted she’s not sorry? She told you she didn’t mean it in the way you interpreted her comment. So you either accept her explanation or not. And if you do accept the explanation then is an apology needed? Personally I think she could be being a manipulative bugger, but that’s another thread!

Rather than ask her to apologise you could try making the statement
'So you're not going to apologise then - fair enough I know where I stand'
(Passive aggressive I know but ...)
And then quickly change the subject. Have some questions lined up in advance so that you don't even have to think about it. Questions about things that are her interest so she won't be able to resist.
What did you think about ... in (soap of choice)
What were you telling me about ...
etc etc
It doesn't stop her but it stops you being the victim

She didn’t really think she should say sorry I think because I had misinterpreted it or imagined it (she had actually just said something of exactly the nature I was talking about) but then followed it up by saying ‘I’m so lonely, no one ever visits me you don’t talk to me’. I said I have just explained why that is??

I am happy to elaborate. DM has a favourite grandchild and doesn’t bother with the other 3 very much. She only likes this DGC because the DGC is very small and gives her affection. She is equally obsessed by a dog.

I gave her yet another lift as she doesn’t drive and is extremely overweight. She got into car and asked my DC who is doing GCSE’s ‘you ok?’ but nothing else and wanted to only talk about herself. Then asked if the dog was ok. I said of yes. And I were you going to ask about me? Or just about the dog? She said well no point asking about you, you are always busy and don’t want to talk to me, I’m always alone blah blah blah.

This is when I said that she shows no interest in me or other DGC only 1 DGC and the dog. She doesn’t MEAN to do this, but she does. She doesn’t MEAN it to look like she likes them a lot more but the other 3 DGC do not seem to like her as much and I don’t talk to her much either so this is not really intentional, it is because of the other factors