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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

6 months no sex

22 replies

Beccag2610 · 04/05/2019 18:06

My finance and I have been together for 5 years I love him, but we hardly ever have sex, like it was over a year then we had sex it was great but it’s been 6 months now.
Partly it’s work we do different shifts and we’re tired. Also we’ve had issues( him messaging other girls not sexually though)
And I have issues with depression and can’t seem to get in the mood.
I feel horrible but I can’t just lie back and think of something: any help? Is it just me?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2019 18:23

Its probably him messaging other girls

EC22 · 04/05/2019 18:26

Why would you stay in this relationship? Sounds awful.

Fiveredbricks · 04/05/2019 18:34

Erm. Both of you. Walk away. Stop staying with someone uou dont fancy and stop putting up with bullshit from your partner. If he wants a shag from you he'd try. He probably just wants a maid

Original poster

Beccag2610 · 04/05/2019 18:35

But we do still love each other, we have a great time together

OP posts:

SignedUpJust4This · 04/05/2019 18:44

How old are you?

SunshineCake · 04/05/2019 18:45

Already you're fed up. Do you want this forever?

Leave.

Original poster

Beccag2610 · 04/05/2019 18:47

It’s not a fed up thing though, I don’t know if it’s just due to the depression medication that I’m just not in the mood

OP posts:

BogglesGoggles · 04/05/2019 18:49

Honestly, this isn’t going to get better. Life gets harder once you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and start making financial commitments together, having children etc.

Beachbodynowayready · 04/05/2019 18:52

Were you on meds before he was messaging other girls?

Original poster

Beccag2610 · 04/05/2019 18:57

Yeah been on meds for around 6 years

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 04/05/2019 19:32

You're not happy. Life lasts no time. You don't get another shot. Don't settle.

awalkintheparka · 04/05/2019 19:37

Me and OH have 2 pre school kids and a dog. We also work shifts around each other. We are knackered but we manage to have sex at least once a week. I would be looking into the reasons why it's been so long.
The longest we've ever gone is 6 weeks. I appreciate every relationship is different but the lack of sex and intimacy would upset me

User199999999o9o999 · 04/05/2019 19:40

Did you consider that deep down he's the reason? Feeding the depression too if you are on edge from him contacting other women?

He texts other women...suggestive texts?

outvoid · 04/05/2019 19:44

He’s the reason, not you or your illness.

You’re not happy with him, leave him.

randomchap · 04/05/2019 19:46

Depression medication can kill your sex drive. My DW lost her sex drive while on meds. As we understood that it was a temporary thing we concentrated on non-sexual intimacy. Kissing, cuddles, handholding etc. Once she was well enough to get off the meds her drive slowly returned.

Don't put yourselves under pressure to have sex if you don't want it. Neither you nor your partner will enjoy it. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Hope the meds help with the depression.

JaneEyre07 · 04/05/2019 19:47

You're incompatible and the spark has gone.

Why flog a dead horse?

Original poster

Beccag2610 · 04/05/2019 20:45

Thank you, feel like you were the only person that replied that actually understands

OP posts:

SimonJT · 04/05/2019 20:48

No sex is fine if you’re both happt with that arrangement, I didn’t have sex with my last partner (out of choice), it doesn’t mean other things aren’t an option and it doesn’t mean you can’t have intimacy in the relationship.

DieselSucker · 04/05/2019 22:49

If libido is not there e.g. due to depression, try to reconnect in other ways, such as cuddling in bed and spend time talking to each other without the pressure of sex if you're not up for it. Important is that you both continue connected and not mere housemates.

wejammin · 04/05/2019 23:00

I've been with DH for 17 years and we've had periods without sex, the longest probably 8 months. We love each other intensely and I think he's gorgeous, but I've had hormonal issues that really affected my sex drive. DC3 is 6 months old and we've not had sex since I was 8 months pregnant. I'm still breastfeeding through the night and totally touched out.

I've found the most important thing is to talk about it, so it's not this unspoken cloud in our relationship. In our younger days we would go round in circles of DH wanting it but not saying so then getting grumpy so I went off him....now we talk about our relationship much more.

I also find that the more we do it, the more we do it, but to kick-start things we have to literally schedule it in.

RedSheep73 · 04/05/2019 23:03

You can't always just wait until you're in the mood though...sometimes you just have to start, and get into it as you go along. And get a vibrator - that always helps ;)

JuniFora · 04/05/2019 23:09

Start with the depression - if you're feeling so down you're going to be disinterested in everything and it's difficult to maintain the connection needed for intimacy when you have no energy and feel miserable.

Focus on making yourself healthier and happier; improve your diet, exercise, cut out caffeine/smoking etc. Meditation is really good for calming and getting into a positive mindset, there's lots of videos on that on YouTube. When you're happier, that mood is contagious to others around you.

Then focus on your relationship and what you can do together. Rebuild the emotional connection, find the time to have regular dates even if it is just a quick coffee together on a work break! Spend time together when you can.

Once you feel good about yourself and the emotional intimacy is there, you'll want the physical connection.

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