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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When your child is excluded from a birthday party!

45 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 04/05/2019 14:59

I can’t believe I am writing this. I never thought I’d be the type of mum who’s offended by their child not getting invited to a party - hate kids party’s anyway 🤣

But this might be an exception. There’s this lady who lives on our street she has two DC. One my eldest age and the youngest the same as DD, they go to pre school together and get on well, they will be going school together - we live in a small village.

She’s posted photos of her youngert party on social media. It seems like the whole pre school class other than DD has gone.

DD does have some degree of additional needs. She acts and behaves like a neurotypical but has some form of expressive speech disorder meaning she doesn’t talk a lot but understands everything! She plays with other children well considering and to other parents it isn’t obvious. I tend to tell them she doesn’t talk much and is shy. (She’s actually far from shy tbh)

So why isn’t she invited? First time I’ve ever had to deal with anything like this! 😭

If she had just invited a few I wouldn’t be bothered, but it seems like they all went!

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/05/2019 15:00

It seem the whole preschool has been invited but probably not. Most parties don’t accommodate everyone and some people won’t be invited, you just need to get used to it.

EmrysAtticus · 04/05/2019 15:01

Could the invitation have gone missing? We had a couple of people who didn't receive the invitation as they got buried in nursery bags and thrown out etc.

Original poster
Shootingstar1115 · 04/05/2019 15:01

It’s a small village - about 20 children in the pre school class. A lot of the parents invite the whole class as there’s a big hall nearby that all parents seem to use.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shootingstar1115 · 04/05/2019 15:03

Possibly but Being my neighbour too and I considered her a sort of friend I thought she may have contacted me herself if she thought invites were missing. I chat to the mum most days on the school run so this is another reason why I’m baffled! I thought we got on well!

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 04/05/2019 15:09

1st answer is she’s just plain nasty, you thought she was a friend but she’s not.

In this situation there are no other reasonable reasons. She’s giving you a message.

BubblesBuddy · 04/05/2019 15:16

I too thought I would be a parent that didn’t care. If someone knows you well and you have not responded to an invite, I would have expected the mum to have chased you up. It does feel that your child isn’t wanted and it feels horrible. You may find there has been an oversight of course.

In our village it was cliquey parents who excluded children and the children didn’t make their own decisions about party invites until they were around y6!

I don’t think there is anything you can do or say. I took the view that the DC who did invite my DD got the best party experience in return. At times, more than enough to get DDs “party” talked about because the very few DC who ended up attending were excited. The less invited, the better the treat in my view!

elliejjtiny · 04/05/2019 15:26

We had this. Then 2 weeks after the party my ds brought home his invite. Ds doesn't like parties because he has autism but he always gets invited.

clairemcnam · 04/05/2019 15:35

There could be lots of valid reasons. I seriously doubt someone would not invite a child because they do not speak much.

BubblesBuddy · 04/05/2019 15:39

Some parents have all sorts of reasons for not inviting a DC. “People not like us” is the main one!

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2019 15:40

I’ve read many posts from parents, whose children were regularly excluded from parties or had never been invited. Sadly as your dd has some additional needs, I think you may need to brace yourself for the future. At this age the only plus side is that your dd will be unaware of the party so at least you’ve got time to plan how to brook future disappointment.

It may have been a genuine mistake so I wouldn’t rule that out completely. However if your dd is the only one excluded that is awful. If the same happens at school, you should contact the teacher for it is adult on child bullying. I can’t imagine the nursery will do anything. It’s a private company.

Singlenotsingle · 04/05/2019 15:41

Can't you just ask her? You've heard her DD had a party, but you didn't get an invitation and wonder if it got mislaid or thrown away.

floraloctopus · 04/05/2019 15:42

YANBU to be disappointed but YWBU if you said anything, it's difficult when it's a small village and when the person lives in your road. She's being very unreasonable to post the pictures on SM, you don't do that with other people's children.

SadOtter · 04/05/2019 15:43

My DD has often bought invites home after the party has happened, or I've found them scrunched in the bottom of her school bag, it might be that. At school I often find invites dropped in the cloakroom where the kids have been looking at them whilst getting ready which if there's a name on it is fine because I know who to give it back to but some people won't put names on if they are inviting the whole class, they just ask me to stick one in each book bag.

missyB1 · 04/05/2019 15:45

It’s a horrible feeling and I like you thought I wouldn’t be bothered. Then last year a child in ds year at school had a party and invited every single child in the whole year (about 50 kids) except ds. Fine that’s her prerogative, but the nasty part was she told ds to his face that he was the only one not invited, and had a big smirk on her face as she said it.
It was the spite in it all that upset me I think.
All you can do is ignore but bear it in mind.

Singlenotsingle · 04/05/2019 15:51

It's so hurtful and unnecessary.

ittakes2 · 04/05/2019 15:52

I know it might seem like every child was invited and it also might seem like she would say something - but I have had parties and then realised a few people have not rsvped and I have not noticed. I pay more attention to rsvps for soft play centres but for home or hall parties not as much!

SimonJT · 04/05/2019 16:12

Parties have started this year at pre-school (everyone is turning four), no invites for my son yet, I know two parties have happened where he was the only one in the class (12 children) who wasn’t invited. Luckily he is young enough not to have realised. I could understand it if he was a bit of a bugger, but he really isn’t.

He has his first proper party in June at soft play, I’ll be inviting the whole class, I won’t be telling him that in case no one comes.

Original poster
Shootingstar1115 · 04/05/2019 16:22

Thanks all. My eldest has autism but the majority of parents from his year group are fabulous and have always involved him when they can. He’s a bit older now so the children tend to not have big parties but opt for a small group of children instead so he doesn’t get invited to many and obviously that doesn’t offend me as he doesn’t have many close friends.

It’s just at DD’s age they tend to invited a large amount of children, often the whole class but I thinks annoyed me because I am friendly with her anyway. If I didn’t know her I probably wouldn’t give a damn but I feel anguish against her now for leaving one child out when I speak to her most days and the DD and her little one walk to school together.

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 04/05/2019 16:37

One year, my dd friends mum did not get the invite on her email. She realised after it went to junk. We had a talk about it, as she was wondering bc her dd told her my dd said she was invited, but she said no, you are not, we didn't receive an invite, sorry! But she decided to ask me about it. I said she was definitely invited and to check her emails, I had to show her my phone, with the email sent out to her, as I wanted her to know that her dd was invited for sure (my dd and her are friends). She then realised it had gone to junk mail....so these things happen. But also, if your dc is not invited, you need to also accept that.

AspergersMum · 04/05/2019 17:24

Hopefully the invite just went missing. Your poor daughter, hope they don't talk about it at preschool. My autistic son feels slights very deeply and I'm forever grateful to the (tiny) number of parents who have invited him to parties - I can count the parties on one hand, but he remembers them all well and really enjoyed them. He too seems quiet and shy so has a very difficult time making friends.

tor8181 · 04/05/2019 17:35

sorry to say this but if your child has SEN this wont be the first time and tbh its probably the start for you

many many of us SN parents have gone through this and its horrible that this predigest still exists

dont know why its different but in the home ed world this dont happen

mine went t school till 11 and 6(2 different kids)not one got a invite till we took the out of school and discovered the world of home ed

lablablab · 04/05/2019 17:44

I would have to ask! Could you approach it in a non-confrontational way?

"Oh I see dc had their birthday! Did they have a nice time at their party? Did you have many children there?"

Hopefully she'll explain, or even ask why you weren't there (if the invite got lost).

The resentment will build up otherwise!

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 04/05/2019 17:48

Hopefully your daughter’s invitation got misplaced op.

Sadly though, some parents are not pleasant to young children.
My son received a party invitation the other day. He told me that everyone in the class except one child has been invited. The child not invited is....a handful to say the least. From what DS says this child gets in bother a lot at school but it has made me really sad to think of one child not invited. They’re only 5/6! He must have felt awful when the invitations were given out

Surely you either invite everyone in a class or if you don’t want to, then invite no more than half to two thirds

SandyY2K · 04/05/2019 17:49

Can't you just ask her? You've heard her DD had a party, but you didn't get an invitation and wonder if it got mislaid or thrown away.

This makes it sound like you think you have a legal right or entitlement to be at the party and is rude IMO.

I'd just leave it.

agnurse · 04/05/2019 18:03

I think you should just leave it also. It's a freaking BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Yes, it hurts to be excluded. At the same time, the parent is allowed to decide how many children to invite and whom. Your child also needs to learn that she isn't entitled to everything she wants - and YOU need to learn that she isn't entitled to everything you want for her.