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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - DD staying out all night

10 replies

Myworstnightmare123 · 04/05/2019 10:03

Genuinely don't know if I am. Prepared to be told otherwise.

DD went out last night. By 7.30am she was not home. Called her once and sent a text...no response. I started to worry a bit. She arrived home at 9am (stayed at her friends) and I haven't said anything to her yet as she is in her room. She is 20. nearly 21 and lives at home. She has done this once before and she swore blind she would text me if she wasnt going to be home.

I really have no issue with her staying out all night but I have asked her to just ping me a quick text to say she wont be home. That way when I wake up and her bed is empty I at least know she is ok. If I was planning in stopping at a friends of whatever after a night out I would text my DH so he wouldn't worry rather than just not coming home. I know that if she was living away from home I wouldn't know if she was out all night etc etc and it wouldn't be any of my business and I wouldnt know but I feel while she lives her she should at least text me as a courtesy so Im not worrying something has happened.

For a bit of context she has a court case coming up very soon as she was raped 2 years ago. On occasions her behaviours have been a bit risky/destructive since she was attacked. I am not sure if this is causing me added stress or whether any parent would worry if their DD failed to come home after a night out.
I just dont know whether I should yet again say something and be a bit pissed off or just suck up it given she is an adult.

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 04/05/2019 10:10

YANBU to be pissed. She was inconsiderate, especially given the history, she should know better than keep you worried.

Atalune · 04/05/2019 10:13

YANBU at all.

What a worry for you and DH.

Has she had counselling for the rape? You mention her risky behaviours...sounds like she might need some help?

Buster72 · 04/05/2019 10:14

Very inconsiderate, I have two children and I don't mind if they text to tell me they are crashing at a friend 's drunk as hell or they met the most gorgeous person and are going back to theirs for a night of wild sex.....just let me know...

QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 04/05/2019 10:22

My 22 year old has done this on occasion saying she fell asleep at someone's house and 'forgot'. It is very inconsiderate but I can rationalise that I'm not at the forefront of her mind when she's out having fun.

YANBU, mine always gets a lecture. Of course its natural to worry when someone doesn't come home when you're expecting them to whether they're 21 or 61.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/05/2019 10:23

I think it’s completely reasonable to expect at least a text. You’re not expecting her to ask permission to stay out all night; just to tell you that she’s doing so.

Original poster

Myworstnightmare123 · 04/05/2019 10:27

Has she had counselling for the rape? You mention her risky behaviours...sounds like she might need some help?

Yes..... she is seeing some about every fortnight. It's so hard because on the one hand yes she IS an adult but at the same time there is no way I disappear for the night without letting someone at home know I would be back in the morning.
I dont know.... its a tricky balancing act I guess

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 04/05/2019 10:29

I am not sure if this is causing me added stress or whether any parent would worry if their DD failed to come home after a night out.

I was never raped or assaulted as a youngster (now 40). My mother would have been climbing the walls and on the phone to the police if I didn’t come home after a night out.

Somehow I always managed to find a payphone (didn’t have a mobile then) to let her know if I’d be staying out, even in state of intoxication. And I was otherwise very selfish in many ways.

YANBU. Your daughter’s past experience just adds another layer of anxiety.

BlueJava · 04/05/2019 10:32

YANBU. I have twin 17 yo DS and dread this happening. So far they have always told us where they are - we have encouraged this by having a family whatsapp group which we use. So OH and I always let everyone know if we will be late etc. E.g. "Will be on the later train as previous one cancelled, eta about 9:15pm" or whatever. Then it becomes more about sharing where we all are than them having to tell us. We have emphasised that it's courteous and saves worry and because we do it too to the family group it's less like us checking up. Don't know if that helps. Point out it's only natural that if you like with people they like to know you're safe.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2019 10:34

I understand this and you're being very reasonable. My daughter lives in her uni town and I still like a text to say she's back safe when she's been out. I think it's only natural.

Original poster

Myworstnightmare123 · 04/05/2019 10:36

Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:

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