Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To suck the joy out of DP's motorcycle purchase

39 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 04/05/2019 09:23

For history we have been together 26 years and when we met it wad DP's motorbike that sealed the deal as it were. He was a proper old school biker and we went to motorbike rallies by the hells angels. All very exciting for 21yo me. I had an oldBSA motorbike in bits in my dining room for years.

FFwd 26 years and dp hasnt sat astride a bike for probably 20 of those.

Came home from work and last night and was just leaving on a night out. He says "ive brought a motorbike on ebay"

I am less than thrilled! My only consolation is that it needs work so probably not on the road. He is no henry cole and doesnt have a worjshop or geasemonkey buddy to helphelp him restore the bloody thing. I can't muster any enthusiasm for a bike that i just see as a two wheel death trap.

I don't want him to have it. We have a teenage dd and i have an older dd with mh issues. I suffer with extreme anxiety and i feel sick to my stomach.

Why the fuck can't he take up model railways Angry

OP posts:
HappyMama01 · 04/05/2019 09:28

I know exactly how you feel.. menHmm

However... ours is in our garage and has been for about a year and half. Untouched. So still not thrilled he wasted his money.

Senseiwu · 04/05/2019 09:29

You're not being fair, why was it ok 26 years ago but not now?
Sounds like your anxiety is talking.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 04/05/2019 09:31

Sensei he is statistically far more likely to kill himself now. 26 years ago he didn't have children.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 04/05/2019 09:33

Tell him about your concerns, they're perfectly valid. If he wants to get into biking again then it should be on the strict conditions that he gets a bike that's in very good condition, the best of safety kit and some proper training. He has a responsibility to his family that takes priority over his mid-life crisis.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 04/05/2019 09:35

And DP if you read this its because i love you, you fecking loon 💕

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 04/05/2019 09:37

I'd let him do his thing.
I'm not keen on the idea of putting a list of rules onto an adult.

RevealTheLegend · 04/05/2019 09:40

Get him doing a bikesafe course, or some additional lessons.

The hedgerows are full of born again bikers who thought their reaction times were the same as they were in their twenties.

I AM a biker, as is DH. Clueless BABs are the butt of many Jokes in biking circles.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 04/05/2019 09:48

Reveal- my point exactly!!!

OP posts:
cheesenpickles · 04/05/2019 09:55

My dh has a bike as does my fil. Fil fell off a bike when he was younger with no helmet and came back to them later in life. He's always insisted that dh is extra careful with it and he is.

Dh uses it as his main mode of transport and It saves a fortune on petrol and parking etc. I've ridden pillion twice and hated it (not the bike but the gear made me claustrophobic).

I would seek assurances that he will take care when it becomes roadworthy and making sure he has the correct leathers, a decent helmet etc.

NotMeNoNo · 04/05/2019 09:57

It depends a lot on whether he is a speed freak who can't control his bike or someone who rides competently.

Suicides, heart diseases and cancer are much higher risks to middle aged men. I'd rather DP was healthy, happy and enjoying a hobby that cheers him up (we also have kids with SN and life is pretty hard work).

He is a lifelong biker and ex instructor though, I'm sure he would recommend anyone returning to do some refresher lessons. I know it's less safe than driving a car but it's not necessarily a death trap either.

Bringbackthestripes · 04/05/2019 10:00

My DH has had a midlife crisis and bought one too. Every time he goes out I’m terrified (because I’ve been on the back of him!) he did pass his test but then went and bought a more powerful bike.

I veer between being pissed off he has a couple of thousand pounds sat in the garage barely used (when we need a new bathroom) and dreading the sunny mornings when he says “I think I will go for a ride today”

EmeraldRubyShark · 04/05/2019 10:03

I think you’re being really unreasonable OP. It’s not some new thing he’s picked up, it’s a passion you’ve known about since you met him! Your kids aren’t babies anymore and it’s not like he’s gonna be taking endless time away from childcare to bike. If anything I’d be grateful in your shoes he has focused more on the family for such a long time like you have and really pleased he’s now getting back into the things that make him him, not just a dad and a husband. We all need passions and hobbies and interests to ensure we are us and don’t totally lose ourselves to serving the needs of others. FWIW I don’t think he’d have been wrong to do this when the kids were small either as long as he was pulling equal weight in childcare but you can’t really complain when they’re teens and above!

You use your MH as a reason to not want him biking and I think that’s a little controlling. If you have anxiety problems then that’s on you to work through and come to live with, not on him to adjust his behaviour to accommodate, it won’t actually make your anxiety better in the long run it just avoids fuelling it in the short term. I’d be really really concerned if I wanted to do something thousands of others do that I really enjoyed even if it carried a risk (as does driving a car) and my OH tried to stop me because we had almost grown kids. You can’t live life like that. It’ll breed resentment. He’ll be understandably confused and annoyed that it was fine, appealing even when you met, but now you have kids it’s not okay. Lots of things make you statistically more likely to kill yourself, what a sad way to live.

I empathise with your anxiety but it really isn’t your husband’s role to resolve it by holding back from doing a lifelong passion.

Spinnaret · 04/05/2019 10:05

DH had a bike. His stepdad's grandson came off one and died. DH sold his bike within days. He felt it would be hugely selfish as a husband and father to keep up his very occasional riding, knowing it was putting the fear into me every time he went out.

Vitalogy · 04/05/2019 10:14

Your fear will impact on your husbands enjoyment, and your enjoyment of his.

slingthegin · 04/05/2019 10:27

I understand. DH is into all things bike, so has had motorbikes (many) and now into extreme mountain biking. We also have DC.

I might not like it but I don't own him and I trust him to know his limits. I prefer it when DH is with others, can you suggest this to help with your anxiety if/when he's out?

A bike safe course is a good idea but on the roads it's the others isn't it.

MooBaaLaLaLa · 04/05/2019 10:28

I get it OP, I used to love bikes and the lifestyle. When you are young, the freedom, adventure and risk is exciting and fun but when middle-age and responsibilities abound, it's very different.
Every time my DH talks about getting a bike now, I shudder inside as I just see the danger instead of the enjoyment.

I think having children changes the way you see risk. I happily went skydiving pre-DC but couldn't do it now.

ravenmum · 04/05/2019 10:36

I would hate it, too. But considering that a bike is what attracted you to him in the first place it would be especially unfair of you to take the fun out of something that he's presumably hoping will remind him of the joys of youth.

You don't have to be enthusiastic - but you could still be nice to him. There's a difference between e.g. "Uhhhh, out there on your bloody bike again, everyone will think you look ridiculous" and "be careful out there on the road, love, don't forget us waiting for you to come home".

Yabbers · 04/05/2019 10:38

I AM a biker, as is DH. Clueless BABs are the butt of many Jokes in biking circles.

Because adults love to pretend they are back in the playground and pick on a group who just aren’t cool enough to be friends with the in crowd.

Statistically he was more likely to be killed as a 21 year old than as a 47 year old.

Motorcycles can be dangerous but risk is everywhere. You can’t wrap him in cotton wool.

RiversDisguise · 04/05/2019 10:49

How much money was it?

In my marriage neither would make a purchase of over say £150 without running it by the other. It's just manners.

llangennith · 04/05/2019 10:50

DD2's husband is 17years older than her and when he was 55 he bought a motorbike and all the leathers etc. He thought he looked 'cool' but even his close friends told him he was mistaken
He went out on it twice and it stayed in the garage for 7 years till they moved so he had to decide to sell it or take it to the new house. He sold it.

MumUnderTheMoon · 04/05/2019 11:01

This is a bit of a cliche. The wife, gf etc not wanting her do to have a motorbike. Yes they are more dangerous than cars. But if a woman came on here saying that her dp even suggested she not do something she wanted to people would be falling over themselves, calling him all the names under the sun, defending her right to do exactly as she damn well pleases. Don't suck the joy out of it op. Tell him you are worried though and ask him to take a refresher course, the roads are much busier now than 20 years ago and people are much less thoughtful of each other on the roads.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 04/05/2019 11:13

Bloody fucker showed me a picture.....

OP posts:
Bodear · 04/05/2019 11:18

My dh has a bike and I love it. I would wholeheartedly recommend the advanced rider course though. It will make him safer and a more defensive rider, give him a group to ride with and hopefully set your mind at rest. Do you think he would do that?

RevealTheLegend · 04/05/2019 11:20

Because adults love to pretend they are back in the playground and pick on a group who just aren’t cool enough to be friends with the in crowd

Nope, no bullying. No cliques. Everyone on 2 wheels is welcome. I’ve never come across a more accepting bunch of people than bikers tbh. No pussyfooting though, just black humour and a firm grip on Reality. Because this IS life and death.

And yes, statistically younger man are more likely to be killed, because the lack experience even though they have fast reactions.

But older men with previous experience and a long gap before returning are more likely to be killed or seriously injured than those who have ridden continuously. They remember having fast reactions, but are slower to react. And they have no current experience. Plus they are more likely to have dependants than young men, so any injuries don’t just affect them, but several other people. So they owe it to themselves and their families to get educated, take lessons, get the right gear and ride safe.

Biking is brill, but you owe it to everyone to do it as safely as possible.

MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 04/05/2019 11:24

Morning, folks. We're going to move this thread to AIBU at the OP's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread