To not know how to respond to DH excessive moaning.

[AliceAbsolum]

I say excessive because it is most days, often more than an hour a day. By the time he has got back from work and settled in its basically 8pm so it's not like we have much time together.
He's not happy in his dead-end job, he's not happy with his weight loss goals, he spends hours eating or looking at his phone to pacify himself, but of course this just makes everything worse.

It's very difficult to watch someone you love so much refuse to change. He's just on the ASD spectrum and finds change very anxiety provoking... But feels depressed because he doesn't do anything about his problems.

In the past I've tried to fix and change him (lol) now I'm in my 30s I know how 1, pointless 2, controlling and 3, infantalising that is. So I back off as much as I can, but sometimes I can't help to encourage him to problem solve or suggest things - it's pointless he just dismisses them.

What do you guys do when someone drags you down with their problems?
I have my own friends and hobbies, but I could probably do more...but I don't want to make a separate life from him, we get on well and I love him to bits.

If you haven't got kids. Leave. Its not going to change.

Some people are just really negative OP. It sounds like he's always been a bit like this so he's unlikely to change now (as you have realised). Personally an hour of my partner moaning every evening would drive me completely mad!

"I'm not going to listen to any more moaning, when you want to talk about what you want to do to change I'll be here"

"Shit or get off the pot, I love you and want you to be happy, me enabling your moaning is just making things worse so I will no longer be doing it"

HTH

Is it a new thing or has he always been like this? Could he be depressed?

Maybe make small changes. Ie regarding the weight loss, go for walks together, look for jobs together etc

*Preggosaurus9

"I'm not going to listen to any more moaning, when you want to talk about what you want to do to change I'll be here"

"Shit or get off the pot, I love you and want you to be happy, me enabling your moaning is just making things worse so I will no longer be doing it"

HTH*

That helps. Clear boundaries. He won't be happy! But I'll tolerate the annoyance from him (deep down he's ashamed and wants to change, I just don't think he's ready yet).

He is a bit depressed yes, has suffered on and off for years. Its a worry as he's seriously harmed himself in the past. I worry about him dying - it's the main cause of death in men his age :(

Hello Alice. I've no particular advice but thought Id let you know about this. If you look on the relationships board (which is under the body and soul topic) there is a thread entitled 'married to someone with Asperger's support'. In fact, they are now onto thread number 4! I hope that you find lots of advice, help and support there, (if you haven't already seen it, that is).

DH and I set a 10 min moan limit when we get back from work. You then have a defined window to moan as much as you like and the other person has to be supportive, it also helps you to focus your moans on stuff that really pissed you off.

Ultimately moaning helps no one, I'd refuse to listen and tell him to either get into a more positive mindset or if he can't then visit the doctors.

I think that a lot of the time life is hard but it's what you make it ultimately.

I was like this. Actually, I was worse, filled with rage and despair. Then someone, a recent addition to the family, asked when I'd had my diagnosis. "What diagnosis?" Turns out I'm on the spectrum. Fairly mild, but that gave me a clue as to what to do next. CRB, SSRIs, persistent vigorous exercise. Get up every morning, "am I going to fail? Probably. Am I going to try to get it right? Definitely." DW didn't take any shit bat any point though, which is where the OP comes in.

Depression is horrible, and sometimes you need a hand. I'm very lucky that I got one.

Bat? At. FFS.

I’d tell him that you’re worried about him as he is saying a lot of negative things about his life and hasn’t been able to sort them out, so maybe he needs some help to do this?

Suggest counselling and help him find a good counsellor. If he refuses to get help then I’d have another conversation about how it’s unfair in him and you to live like this. Keep reassuring him that you love him and you want to help him.