AIBU to think she totally overreacted?

[Linning]

AIBU to ask you what you think of this situation? I am part of a massive travel group for women and a lady posted the following post this morning (picture attached) and the opinion on whether or not she has done the right thing or was interfering and judgemental seem to be very divided amongst the women on the group and I was curious to see what Mumsnet opinion of the situation would be.

The opinions so far have mostly been:

• He didn't tell you about the pregnancy immediately so he can't be trusted and you did the right thing because what selfish twat would leave a mother and her 2 months old baby to go on holidays (mind you we, and the OP, do not know what the actual mum think of the trip and she might well have agreed to it and want him to go and have plans made for his absence).

• You don't know what the mum think of the whole situation, she might have approved of the trip so you have just told him he wasn't welcome on a trip he had planned and paid for because you didn't approve of his (and his wife's) parenting choices, that was not your call to make and a really shitty thingy to do. You are also not entitled to know about the pregnancy until both are ready, that doesn't make him unreliable/a liar.

So...jury of Mumsnet, AIBU to ask you (as I know the majority of you are mothers which might or might not influence the answers) wether or not you think this lady did the right thing by kicking the man out the trip and reimbursing his money or if you too feel she went a little bit overboard and should have let him call the shots regarding the trip and let the wife deal with him if she wasn't okay with him going and he still chose to?

She is the travel organiser and the bloke is just part of the travel group? Of course she is massively unreasonable. Its none of her business when he may have discussed this with his partner. Bloody people thinking they can police others peoples lives!

how utterly bizarre! So because they have previously been intimate and she is insanely jealous she now gets to be his moral compass and can tell him where and when he can go places?

Also, what's she making 'an informed decision about'?

I think he's lucky she kicked him off the trip, with that level of self-righteous crazy he might never have come back!!

Possibly that he mentioned he was hoping for something 'for old time's sake' and, whilst she might have been OK with the idea of that before, she doesn't feel the same way about him now there's a baby on the way?

@IsYourGoogleBroken She has permits for this place so she isn't the organiser per se but he needs her to get in and wouldn't be able to go or rebook without her. In the context they are apparently lifelong friends who often travel together (and once had a brief thing over a year ago) so they definitely planned the trip together (along with others) and she wasn't the one organising it, she just happened to have permits for the place.

She's pissed he didn't tell her about the baby. And she's jealous, so she's getting her revenge and pretending it's about the baby

It's not.

She just wants to kick him.

@MitziK

Possibly but I don't think so, she doesn't mention this, she does say in the original post that while they had a short thing, it hasn't occured in over a year and that they have traveled together since so I don't think there is any reason to believe he wanted to rekindle in that way (she might have been hoping for it though). I don't know, it came across to me like she was still onto him and was upset he was having a baby with someone else and now her hope of something happening again were gone and so she kicked him out but is trying to act like she is concerned for the mother of his baby?

It just seem like such an extreme reaction to learning a friend of yours is having a baby (even if said friend is a former fling).

I also think she is punishing him for having a baby with someone else - and the friendship is definitely over. She's been officious and spiteful.

@bluntness100

Exactly!

Most women on the group seem to support her though and say she has done the right thing? So I thought maybe I was going a little bit crazy and forgetting to look at it from the mother's point of view, but her stance seemed very hypocritical to me and more about how she felt towards the man and him becoming a father than the actual welfare of the mother and baby, so I figured I would ask Mumsnet.

I think she's done him a favour. Unless he's already a father he probably doesn't understand the amount of work required to care for a small baby or the way you fall hopelessly in love with them. When he experiences both, hopefully he'll be grateful he's not committed to going

Why was he planning on going away with the OW when his dp was at home looking after the new baby? Effectively the OW was not prepared to go along with it, especially if she suspected he might be hoping for a bit of action for old times sake. (Which he probably was, as a new mother is unlikely to be welcoming his advances).

Yep, she's jealous. 'Heart is hurting' my arse.

She has over-reacted and acted for selfish reasons. I think she liked the idea of a chance to rekindle romance if she so fancied and liked at the very least a companion at her beck and call when she fancied a trip. The baby and it's mother( and his relationship with her) changes everything for her and ruins her little setup.

how Massive is this group, and have you just potentially outed this man’s Travel intentions and past sexual history🥺

@Dippypippy1980

The group has about 800 000 members and nothing on my post gives away any private information about the man or the OP to the point where they could be tracked down (I believe?). She posted it in a group of 800k with her personal FB so I am sure her post was way more outing than mine, if someone really wanted to go FB detective and find out who the man is (why would anyone though?).

I also don't understand what's so bad and potentially outing about his sexual history? He has a partner and once had a thing with a close friend? Sound like a very average history to me that could probably fit most men.

But I appreciate your concerns and would be happy to take of details if people feel it's too outing.

Hmmm
How does this sound
I am due to give birth in the summer and have just discovered that my DP is planning a holiday 2 weeks after the baby is due. He says it doesn't mean anything but I know that another member of the holiday group is an ex partner.
AiBU to be upset?

OK so the op in this situation may be being selfish, may be making decisions for someone else But just maybe feel she doesn't want to be the person who is responsible for being the 'other person' in this situation.

Anyone who starts a post with “my heart is hurting” is a dick, and is by default unreasonable.

I would have been perfectly happy for my husband to travel when baby was 6 weeks old. My only proviso would have been that right up til the leaving date, I had the right to change my mind. Lack of sleep, complications, feeling vulnerable, just wanting him around. Anything. But as long as I could trust him to cancel - I’d have been perfectly happy.

That she’s an ex... maybe not so much, but that’s not the point of this post.

The woman is virtue signalling how wonderful she is, but actually making herself sound like a twat.

Absolutely agree with all the PP who say she is jealous. If not over being an ex, then at realising that she’s not even the special ex she thinks she is, because he didn’t rush to tell her about the baby.

OP, is this from a private group?
If so - pretty bad form lifting it to here.

@hecateh

That's not actually what's going on? The point is we don't know. The trip has been planned for months, it's easier to assume his partner has known about it all along and is okay with it than to assume she is not okay with it and cancel the trip on her behalf without talking to her?

Also why would she be the other woman? She clearly pointed that nothing has ever happened between them in over a year and half and they have travelled together since then so whatever it was it seems to me like he moved on, has a new partner, a baby on the way and there is absolutely nothing to indicate he wants to get back with her or would cheat. Yet some posters seem to assume he would be the type of guy to pester his wife for sex, not get it and therefore wanting OP to provide for him sexually when nothing indicates that at all in the original post nor seem to point that this is his character? I wonder why as it seems like a lot projection to me (potentially based on personal stories which I respect), for me the question is more about whether or not she was right to make the decision she did based on the arguments she made (without knowing the mum's position on the matter and without us assuming he only wants to cheat when nothing points in that direction).

At the end of the day it’s between the guy and his partner. Sod all to do with the woman. She’s coming across as a bitter ex.

My cousin came with us to Budapest for 5 days when her son wasn’t even 6 months old, leaving him home with his dad. Not something I’d have done but not my circus. Original poster should keep her neb out.

GLT is always full of Yassss Girl!! Posts.

They're a bunch of loons.

I've done Havasu Falls (it's bloody amazing) when I lived in Arizona. The permits (at least then) were individualized so they could be checked against ID when on the reserve. She had no legal right to cancel his and refund him. He could've gone solo. Morally she is horrible too. She sounds like she's jealous.

@linning not saying she is right. As stated - we don't know.

I do know that there are not many people who would advocate a father going away on a trip like this leaving a partner and tiny baby at home.

Or many women that would appreciate a partner doing this

Basically - it's none of our business and we can't know why he thought it was a good idea or why she decided to cancel his place.

No one knows her motivation - But him being at home at this time - if he is with the mother of his baby - seems a positive outcome