AIBU - to think it's my fault I've been assaulted more than once (Trigger)

[NoFencesFacing]

I've been sexually assaulted four times - once by a member of staff at a venue and three times in a sexual context. I'm saying to myself all the things I know in my head aren't true - like it was my fault, or it wasn't a big deal, or maybe I gave mixed signals.

I rang the rape crisis helpline and the woman called one of my experiences rape. I can't begin to think that's what it was.

My consensual sex life is at the "wilder" end of the spectrum and now I think that maybe I brought this on myself. One man (who I told what had happened and who I thought was a nice guy) said that I was the kind of woman who probably enjoyed being raped and he sent me a stupid little cartoon of a male cat pinning a struggling female cat to a wall and kissing her as she struggled to get away. I've blocked him on everything.

But he didn't say anything worse to me than I'm saying to myself. I should have said more, or done more, or shouted more, or not put myself in that situation. Maybe the kind of woman that has the kind of (consensual) sex I have, has it coming.

How can I attach these labels to what happened? How do you process stuff like this?

It was not your fault that you were assaulted and raped. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It is only ever the fault of the assailant - you didn't do anything to deserve this, whatever type of sex you are into.

It's really hard to tell if someone is a rapist, they appear to be normal men. Though would something like the freedom programme be of interest? It may help you to avoid abusive men in the future.

Massive hugs to you

It is not your fault OP, no matter what you are into. Consent is consent and lack of or withdrawal of such is rape.

Prostitutes can be and are still raped - that is literally their job and they have what is objectively a very 'high risk' lifestyle and yet it is still rape. I'm sorry this happened to you

Thank you.

I guess it doesn't feel like "real" rape or "real" sexual assault (I'm not sure what I mean by those things).

Three of the incidents were over so fast. It happened and it was done. Before I knew what was happening they'd done it and time paused as a million thoughts crashed through my head. And I didn't know what words to say and, unbelievably, I was worried about upsetting them.

And after they stopped I was just embarrassed and awkward and kind of shaky. And I didn't make a fuss or ever consider reporting them because it was so fast. And they stopped when I said stop (but they hadn't ever asked if they could start).

So I feel a bit pathetic for not shouting at them. And I feel cheap. And I feel like it can't be that serious because it was over so fast. But I feel wobbly and uncertain.

The man who put his penis inside me would undoubtedly say he thought I wanted him to but I didn't know he was about to do it. And he did it without a condom which I never do. If I'd known what he was about to do I'd have asked him to use a condom. But he'd say it was a misunderstanding.

It doesn't matter what kind of consensual sex you are into. If you don't consent, it is rape.

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. And sorry you ran into the kind of sicko who would send a woman who has been raped (or anyone) a cartoon like that .

Just because I like chocolate, doesn’t mean I want to wear it. Same with you. Just because you like wild sex, doesn’t mean you want To have any random joe rape you.

Some men don’t need much of an excuse to cross the line.

I was raped once and assaulted on another occasion - I don’t think it’s a rare occurrence, but a lot of women don’t talk about it so it’s too easy to think that the reoccurrence of assault is not common and therefore must be your fault. It’s not.

Putting his penis inside you without your consent, and without being clear whether condom or not... this is just plain and simple wrong and you deserve to know that any man who does this is always wrong, it’s never your fault.

Your sexual tastes and your desire to explore anything which is considered lively etc... that’s irrelevant - that’s still all about consent also. Men need to be clear on consent. These men used some cowardly approach by delibarately not being clear about things.

It shouldn’t be your job to shout or correct someone after they have been this way, the responsibility is on them not to be that way and to listen to any communication or ask.

I’m a male and I bloody hate men like this with a passion.

Hi OP,

So so sorry you've been through this.

I dont think you're to blame at all. Our society is responsible for alot of that. Victim blaming. It feels awful - I remember that well.

The type of sex you're having... if its BDSM type sex, I can categorically tell you that that revolves around consent and being willing. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. If that is the type of sex youre talking about and you dont want to discuss it on here, feel free to PM me.

I have been through 2 bouts of counselling for the one assault I went through. It took a long time to get over the mess and confusion in my brain, to get past the feelings of shame and blame.

I want you to know that if you said 'no' even just the once, that means you haven't given consent. If you didnt say anything, that's not giving consent either.

There's also a common misconception that your fight or flight mode kicks in whenever you are attacked or forced. This is incorrect. There is also the freeze response. Your reptilian brain recognises it's in danger and, a bit like a possum I guess, you freeze. No words, no actions. Your body thinks that if it reacts this way it has a higher chance of survival. That's your primitive part of the brain at work there. So if you laid there and said nothing, you did nothing wrong. Your body kicked in to protect you.

Assault and rape is never straightforward, though people like to think of the world as black and white.
Trust in that feeling that you have, that it didnt feel right. There is no excuse for sexual assault. Ever. The victim is never to blame.

Some day you will stop using the word victim... and be proud to use the word survivor instead.

You’re all so kind - thank you so, so much.

Plinkplink (thank you) - I’ve had a fair bit of BDSM sex and it’s been the most consensual sex I’ve had. I feel safer in that kind of scenario at the moment because consent is so openly discussed and easily revocable. It’s the casual sex I’m suddenly afraid of.

It’s hard to ask the questions I have, while being vague about the context of the incidents. I’m afraid that stating the context moves this from something that wasn’t my fault to something I brought on myself. But I’m going to explain the context because I need to talk some of this stuff through and I can’t figure out how to do that and be vague at the same time.

I have group sex and sex with others present. This is where three of the things have happened. Although there’s supposed to be a rule that you don’t touch without consent, and although I’ve done it a zillion times without any problem, on these three occasions it went horribly wrong.

There’s something terrifying about being assaulted in a room full of people. It’s like the sound stops and the background blurs and you’re all alone as this thing happens. And if I’d shouted out, lots of people would have helped me but I didn’t. So I quietly and apologetically and compliantly let them do it until I found my voice and then removed myself from the room and tried to figure out what the fuck just happened to me.

So now - do I have to give up the sex life I’ve loved? I feel like I don’t deserve any sympathy but I’m really not reckless and the culture/etiquette is supposed to require consent.

So I guess I’m churning over and over all the reasons it happened.

On two of the occasions there is no way on earth the men could think I consented because I hadn’t had anything to do with them - no conversation, no eye contact, nothing. I can see that they were sexual assaults. But (I know how this sounds) one man apologised to me afterwards so does that mean it was just a mistake? The first I knew of his existence on the planet was when his fingers were inside me.

And the man who put his penis inside me - I’d kissed him a bit. I thought he was going to touch me but suddenly he was inside me without a condom. And I froze and then when I found my voice I only said “are you wearing a condom?” Not “why the hell is your cock inside me?” And he laughed and said it was a mistake and, like a compliant victim, I didn’t say any more.