Estranged Family

[sosoverytired]

Posting here for traffic.
Basic is I have a moral dilema.
Father recently diagnosed with a life threatening illness. Estranged older half sibling (same father).

Do I tell estranged sibling or not?

Father not well enough to ask. Acts tough but obviously still bothers him.
We are all estranged from older sibling so would mean reaching out. After years and years.
Last contact 2ish years ago after death of grandmother.

I'm torn. As middle child and only one who remembers older sibling.

I would, unless sibling is abusive or likely to argue with your father at this time.

I honestly wouldn't know. No real contact for over 10 years. Longer estrangement with father.

So that is a risk.

I would contact. Keep it factual and unemotional. Then leave it to sibling.

On the whole I have only ever truly regretted the things I didnt do rather than the things I did do.

What's the reason for the estrangement? Your poor dad. I hope everything goes well for him.

Long story on estrangement.
Basic is that years ago eldest sibling decided to blame father for all failings in life and without any warning stopped all contact about 18 years ago and changed name.
I have had strained contact but nothing for 10 years apart from informing of a death 2 years ago.
Father did send checks and cards for every birthday and Christmas for years. All torn up and ignored. Broke his heart.
Not willing to ask him as the treatment is hard.
My younger sibling has no recollection of eldest.

Would your dad want to see your sibling if they decided to act on the news if you told them? That would decide it for me.

FWIW, my partner is estranged from his mother and wouldn’t want to be contacted if she was ill. She cut herself out of his life years ago and imminent death wouldn’t change his feelings about that.

I assume you haen't had the falling out and it's just a natural drift from your perspective. I would tell him, I think he has the right to know, and then its in his hands whether he does the bedside dash or chooses not to engage.

I would tell them. Morally that's right, I think. What they then do with that information is up to them, but you will have done the right thing.

I have sent a message and left it to them to decide wether to contact me or not.

Not quite at death but it is a possibility considering age etc.

Thank you.

If your dad has all
Your faculties you should ask him.
Not your decision to make.
If he hasn’t then think
About what your dad would want.

You've done the right thing and you also need to remember your eldest sibling may have a different perspective from you in regards to your dad and whilst I'm not saying that it will be the right one it's still his.

But you've done what you needed to do and the right thing well done x

Sorry shitty typos.

My advice would have been to have sent a message, so I think you've done the right thing.

A painful time for all of you.

Your half sibling will do or not do what they wish, but you've given them every opportunity to make last minute amends/to say anything needing to be said/to forgive. What they choose to do now is up to them.

If they don't get in contact, don't let your dad know.

I hope the time coming for you all is as 'good' as these things can ever be.

I think it was right to do so, but it is a moral dilemma indeed. I had been estranged from my mother for many years when she died. My father never contacted me to tell me, a family friend saw the death notice in the paper and contacted me. I do not know if I would have gone to see her (history of abuse plus I live far away) but I think I should have been told so I could make the choice. But perhaps she did not want me to know about it, I really have no idea about the circumstances (nor have I any desire now to find out).

Conversely, I would not want my father to know if I were ill (no interest in seeing him) but I see no reason why he should not be told if I died.

Long story short this is a very difficult one in the circumstances of estrangement. On balance however I think it's better to tell people and let them choose what to do with the information, which is what you've done. Take care OP x

We have all long accepted their position. I wouldn't want to approach my father about it. Even if he did want contact he wouldn't say due to his stubbornness. So I have messaged and invited to talk. So ball is now in that court.

My mother recently died. My (ex) sister and (ex) nephew had had no contact with her for 7 years (despite accepting the birthday and xmas cheques she sent them still, hoping for a reconciliation) Wen she became very ill, I asked my cousin to tell them, expecting perhaps some humanity. Before mum died, three months later, she had 2 twenty minute visits from them each. Me and my eldest dd spent almost every day with her. They didn't attend the funeral (luckily for them) but weirdly are now very keen on the will. If this is the kind of scenario you may face, then I'd advise not bothering. I am more stressed and unhappy than I thought anyone could be at these actions

lepetitpiggy will thing isn't that strange, if they've been happy to accept money/gifts throughout.

think it says a huge amount about them.

oh, and for your loss.

I have messaged the number I have. Worked a few years ago? But may not now be the same so the only other option to make sure the message was received and they had every opportunity is to email their mother. But I'm giving time first.

The risk I run is me being made upset by any of the cruel and unfounded comments they may make regarding my father. And as such I would need to be the first to speak to them

Father has been diagnosed with bone cancer. And the stress

The stress added to the pain may be too much at the moment. But I would discuss that if the time came.