Friendly with his ex...

[anxietyanxiety]

I recently left my abusive partner. We have a child and he has 2 from a previous relationship.

I am no contact with him at the moment due to his abusive and bizarre behaviour. I don't feel safe or comfortable around him. I sought legal advice and have been told that based on my evidence (proper evidence) this will never be held against me in court.

Now thing is, my son has a relationship with his siblings, and after he didn't see them for a month, I started to worry. That the court process would drag on and on and on and they wouldn't see each other.

I have been in touch with his ex and we have found a lot of common ground. I had no idea he had been so abusive towards her too. We have struck up a friendship and more importantly the siblings are finally all seeing each other! My son is only a few months old so doesn't know what's going on but they adore him and cried when they saw him again. They also hugged me and told me how much they missed and loved me which was extremely emotional. I have been a part of their life and them mine for years.

They've only seen each other once so far but we will continue to get the kids together regularly (once a week/fortnight etc), as they deserve to see each other.

My worry? He is going to go completely mad when he finds out and I'm worried he will take this out on his kids he does see at the moment. He's also going to go ballistic at me and his ex. I'm very nervous about it...

WIBU to do this? It felt wrong the kids being punished for his abuse towards me (and his son).

If you think you made a mistake I'm sure his ex will understand. You might decide to wait a while til things calm down.

I don't feel like I've made a mistake. It felt like the adult thing to do. It could take months to calm down by which point they won't have seen their brother who is only a baby for a long time. It just feels utterly wrong and they were distressed by it.

He has no rightsto tell you or his other Ex who you may or may not see. Surely it is in everyoen interests that siblings grow up knowing each other and have the semblance of a good relationship. I think you and the other Ex are doing wonders actually, it's so easy to be drawn into adversarial situation.

When you say he will take it out on you - can you elaborate? verbal abuse or do you think he would be physical? What does 'go ballistic' in this context actually mean? how will he take it out on the children?

So sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Personally I think it's wonderful that you are thinking so clearly about what is in the best interest of all the children. That is a really solid basis for you and your DC moving forward.

Hate to say this but - from what you have shared with us - I do rather suspect that your ex would find some reason to find fault and to try and control you. All you can do is what feels right for you and baby. Trying to second guess what creates the best reaction from him is all part of his abusive control - you cant. His reactions aren't normal or balanced.

Thank you @IsYourGoogleBroken and it's really nice to hear that as it's easy to feel you're doing the wrong thing. This is all for the kids. We don't sit around bitching about their dad. We both know what he's like. We don't need to.

It's all verbal emotional abuse. Other than throwing things but they always tactically missed me. He gets angry, swears, punches things, calls his kids mother a bitch and slut in front of them, drives dangerously when he's angry etc. He's controlling and abusive and has been towards his kids. The court failed his ex massively and failed to even realise that he was abusive towards her and his kids.

You have to do what's right for you OP, but I suspect this new friendship with his ex could prove a valuable source of support for you both.

She's fantastic support. She's helped me realise that it's not all in my head. She just wants what's best for the kids. I'm incredibly lucky she was receptive to my invitation to spend time together!

He's very paranoid and WILL be convinced we are colliding against him

Changes to legislation now mean that emotional abuse comes under coercive control - you and ExEx can report this behaviour.

How seriously they'd take me I don't know... not sure they'd be interested in nasty text messages. Looking in to a non molestation order...

Oh man, why am I so worried about this?

He knows now. He's very unhappy. Oh man. Here comes the shit storm!

Together you're stronger. One ex making an abuse complaint to the police or courts can often be dismissed as exaggeration or vindictiveness but the two of you showing a pattern and proof of that are better able to protect you and your kids. Report any threats and any abuse. That's illegal.

Turns out he's now texted his ex telling her that I used to bitch about her and call her all sorts (I didn't, ever!). He's taken this really badly. And there was me thinking he would be happy the kids had seen each other..

Sounds classic that he thinks it's all about him. How has the other ex taken his text

But you know he makes things up to control you, she knows that too. He is only underlining how much he really doesn't want the two of you to be able support each other.

Why is he scared of that, do you think?

I've been in exactly your position and I held my ground and I'm so glad I did.

It was hard at the time as myself and his ex had plenty of abusive texts from him because of our friendship, his sister took his side too.

At the end of all that the kids have benefited and so have we, knobhead lost out but he deserves to.

Be strong, don't let him bully you.

Because he knows he's in the wrong, and he knows how awfully he's treated us both. I hate to think what kind of lies he's feeding to his solicitor 😥