to consider leaving my baby's dad?

[HollyGoLoudly1]

I posted something about this not long after I had my baby. I got some very reassuring advice about how it was normal for feelings to change, new dynamic etc etc.. well it's months down the line and I feel worse if anything.

I've changed so much since I've had my son. Everything is about him, planning for the future, making sure he has everything he needs. I don't feel like my partner has taken that step with me. Things I used to love about him are now irritating the life out of me: laid back, relaxed about his work, spontaneous... now seems lazy, unmotivated and disorganised.

He was away for work last week and to be honest I didn't even miss him. I do the majority of bed, bath, cooking etc so even just in practical terms it made little difference. Financially I will be fine (just!) without him. But when I think of my son growing up without a 'proper' family and especially without other siblings it makes me so sad. I know there are many different types of family out there and I know I would manage on own but it makes my heart sink.

I don't really know what I'm looking for. Advice or a hand hold?

Have you spoken to your partner about how you’re feeling?

Is the relationship salvageable with effort from both sides? See, thing is, if he hasn't changed but you have changed your expectations, that's unfair if he's intrinsically a good bloke.

Not yet. I know that's the obvious first step but I think deep down I fear there will be no coming back once we have that conversation.

@IsYourGoogleBroken

I totally agree - I think it's my expectations that have changed.

Honestly? I think if these are the only problems then you'd be doing your son a disservice to not try to make the relationship work. That means some honest conversations and effort from both sides.

Just re-reading your OP - you say it yourself, you're the one who has changed.

So the man's irritating. Is that sufficient reason to dump him? I think you need to think this through very carefully, especially as it seems you're the one who's changed, not him!

I am another one who thinks you should put a bit of effort into this relationship for your child. Relationships do change after a baby is born. I think your expectations might be too high.

I think what you're saying is that you married a slacker.

Being with a slacker is great fun when you're young and out having fun, but once you have a baby that changes.

A slacker has no ambition or drive, all the thinking and effort (of the relationship, of caring for your child, of thinking of the future) lies on your shoulders whilst the slacker skips around having a merry old time with not a care in the world.

Is that what it's like OP?

If so, then it is fine to realise the person you're with either has to shape up or ship out. A baby naturally changes things & if your "partner" in life is going to leave all the effort & stress for you to deal with you'd be better off on your own, I completely get that.

Maybe you just need to ascertain if he is (& will always be) a slacker, or if he just needs a big kick up the bum to motivate him to do 50% of raising your child & managing your home & building your future.

Motherhood was a profound change for me that simply didn't happen for DH or not in the same way. It's so hard to see that life will ever be anything like what it is now but your son will only be tiny for a very short period of time. DH was somewhat useless to me when the kids were tiny but he's brilliant now that they are older. You would be doing your son a huge disservice to rip his family apart at this tender stage. Blended families with stepparents/half-siblings/stepkids are HARD on kids. I promised myself I wouldn't leave DH until the baby was 3 and I'm so glad I did. Your relationship has profoundly changed. Give it some time and work on the bits that bother you most.

I think before breaking up with him you need to give him a chance and tell him what’s bothering you.

In what way is he lazy? He works yes? Does he enjoy his job? Is he lazy at home? You say you do most of the cooking and bath, why is this? Does he take an equal role in parenting as he should be doing this.

If he’s not seen his child all day he should be doing bath and bed, there’s no reason you can’t share cooking. Once you’re both home you should be a team with the house and your child.

What is it that irritates you? How is he not planning for your son?