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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that Dd2 has no intention of getting a job ?

44 replies

TheOriginalNutty · 01/05/2019 18:24

Posting here more for traffic tbh as I am pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable.
Will try to be brief but also don't want to drip feed and I can talk for England so, here goes...

Dd2 is 19. She has had mental health problems since she was 13 and has had extensive therapy for this, including 12 months of weekly DBT where I also attended the parents group to support the process.
She's been off and on medication. She used to self harm until about 3 years ago, and I am very very proud of her for managing to stop.

Currently she is on medication and sees a psychiatrist about every 3 months. I'd say compared to years ago, she is quite stable, but only if things are going her way.

When she first got ill, I was working part time and ended up having to give up my job as she couldn't be left alone at all, and was not always in school. This continued for around 2 and a half years and then after a huge row she decided to go and live with her dad. I supported this choice because to be quite honest, I needed the break and her behavior was have a negative impact on Ds.
After 18mths she returned to live with me. All of this coming and going resulted in lots of juggling rooms etc as I also have Dd1, and at one point I did sleep downstairs for 6 months so that they all had their own rooms.

Throughout all of this Dd2 was at school and then college, although her attendance wasn't great, due to illness. Then she met her boyfriend and ended up moving in with him at his parents house. I made it clear at this point that if she was to come home to live again, she'd be welcome but she would be the one sleeping downstairs.

So, fast forward 8 months and her boyfriend and his parents have a big falling out and they ask if they can stay here. I said yes, but they'd have to sleep in the dining room (open plan, no privacy etc) and this is what they did. I also said they both needed to get job. (the boyfriend had been working but had been laid off, and Dd has never had a job).
Dd's boyfriend managed to get a full time job quite quickly and Dd had a couple of interviews but nothing more. Chats with her were had, which always get heated, and promises were made, but still no job.
Then her bf decides to move back to his parents because he also has mental health problems and they felt they could help him more if he were there. This time though, dd was not welcome to join him (totally fair enough) except for weekends UNLESS she was working.

At first this created a frantic attempt at job hunting as she was miserable not being with him 24/7, but it soon calmed down and now she is back to applying for the odd job here and there. She claims universal credit, but has now been given a sick note to hand it for her mental health issues.

I often send her links to jobs, training schemes etc but half of the time she doesn't even look at them.
I know getting a job is going to be hard for her as she has low self esteem and low confidence but I feel she is just not trying. I worry about saying too much though because yes she does have mental health problems, but I really believe that being in work could help her with this and tbh not to mention it would mean she could chip in to the household, as I am a single parent and no longer get anything for her.

Dd1 btw also has mental health problems but does still work very part time, goes to college and is starting Uni in September.

I know I need to say something more to dd2 but how to do it without it causing the mother of all rows is just escaping me.

OP posts:

Marvellow · 01/05/2019 22:01

That sounds like such a sad and lonely (not to mention insular) life for a young person.

Maybe best to encourage them to move in together and have babies sooner rather than later if this is their plan, whilst they still have parents around for support as it sounds as if they will need it considering the mental health issues. Then hopefully once the childeen are in school she will develop some wider interests and go back to study/train later in life.

19lottie82 · 01/05/2019 22:08

Maybe best to encourage them to move
in together and have babies sooner rather than later if this is their plan,

She’s a teenager with mental health problems..... what a GREAT idea!

Marvellow · 01/05/2019 22:10

The dd is a grown adult. This is her life plan so why prolong the inevitable.

19lottie82 · 01/05/2019 22:16

19 is not a “grown” adult. And encouraging someone to have a baby when they are suffering from mental health issues and depression is hardly a great idea, is it? From the sounds of it she can hardly look after herself, throwing a baby into the mix sounds like a disaster.

Original poster

TheOriginalNutty · 01/05/2019 22:22

In some ways I feel that having a baby would be the making of dd2, so I do know what you mean Marv, but ultimately it isn't really going to solve dd's issues, and could create more, and so it's not something I really want for her right now.
Obviously though if it did happen then dd would have my full support.

I have tried to make her see that if she got a job, or went to college she'd make new friends and have more of a social life, but she just won't.

I think deep down she does want to work because then she;d feel 'normal', but the anxiety etc kicks in and she just doesn't do it. She is also lazy in every area of her life and so she is stuck in a vicious circle.

OP posts:

Polarbearflavour · 01/05/2019 22:22

To be fair, working is largely overrated.

ilovesooty · 01/05/2019 22:25

Overrated as long as some other mug works to sustain you in idleness of course.

Original poster

TheOriginalNutty · 01/05/2019 22:27

Lol Polarbear, i totally agree, but unfortunately unless I win the lotto then there is no choice.

OP posts:

Polarbearflavour · 01/05/2019 22:29

ilovesooty - gosh you really have it in for me don’t you! We discuss people like you over on the Reddit Antiwork

19lottie82 · 01/05/2019 22:29

To be fair, working is largely overrated.

Of course it is. As long as you can afford to sustain yourself without scraping by / simply existing, on benefits.

ilovesooty · 01/05/2019 22:30

Fill your boots - it's not somewhere I'm ever likely to visit.

ragged · 01/05/2019 22:33

She sounds like perfect candidate for Princes Trust. They try to get them into work, too.

Gingerkittykat · 02/05/2019 12:44

I think since it is likely she has BPD then there needs to be a very fine line between pushing her and treading gently.

Can you phone the psychiatrist secretary and ask for a message to be passed on about the employment options?

There is mental health support out there for people looking to go into work, often from outside charities. Even building up her confidence in going to mental health groups will get her out and interacting with the world.

Does she have a CPN, occupational therapy are really helpful too.

I have bipolar and had a really bad episode last year. I've had a lot of help from OT and an outside agency in building up my activities, getting involved in a work focused project with intensive support which has really helped.

Original poster

TheOriginalNutty · 03/05/2019 12:28

Gingerkitty I'll give the secretary a ring and see what they say.
It definitely is a fine line to tread and obviously I don't want to make her worse or cause her undue stress, but at the same time, I do want her to do something.

I told her about the princes trust and asked her to look at the website, which she hasn't yet. She's off to her boyfriends now until Monday, so i'll broach it again when she's back.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheOriginalNutty · 12/05/2019 18:14

Little update. Dd2 has now applied to college to do an access course, with a view to going to uni to do become a Paramedic.

I am really pleased and proud of her, but I am a little concerned shes not doing it for the right reasons. Her boyfriends parents have said that when she starts college she can move back in there, so I think that is maybe her motivating factor.

Hopefully whatever her motivation is she will do well on the course and at least get a but further forward with her life

OP posts:

Tiscold · 12/05/2019 18:18

Could you possibly suggest to her to boost her chances of getting in she applies for a job? Even just a little part time gig? Or something like that?

Maybe as a hca? Or something along those lines

Tiscold · 12/05/2019 18:19

The other thing i can think of is does she went to go all the way to being a paramedic? You could see if she wants to be an emergency care assistant, they work on the ambulances, are trained to a decent level and there's chance to progress in trust to higher levels and maybe even get her paramedic training funded

Original poster

TheOriginalNutty · 12/05/2019 20:47

Argh just typed a long post and lost it 🙄

Tiscold that’s exactly what we’ve just been chatting about 😊

OP posts:

Fiveredbricks · 12/05/2019 21:02

"I know getting a job is going to be hard for her as she has low self esteem and low confidence but I feel she is just not trying." What she is being OP... is a lazy teenage misery.

Most of us have/had mental health problems as teenagers. It's just that now they have labels.

She is 19. She can apply for supermarket work or shop work or basic office admin jobs. Even entry level callcentre jobs. Anything.

Also I would push for an adhd assessment and aspergers. They present totally different in women. It wont get her a get out of work card but it will get her learning better coping mechanisms.

Also you might want to tell her that as soon as a child turns 3 she wouldnt get tax credits for them anymore anyway unless she was single and in full time work 👌 so she will still have to work!

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