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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get upset at what my 12 year old say?

14 replies

ChoccieEClaire · 01/05/2019 18:09

My DD is 12 and a half and currently in Y7.
We have a lovely relationship and Y7 has been really good for her.
She walks to school on her own which is about 30 mins away. Her bedtime is 9pm.
She is sensible and talks to me about everything. She does a club she enjoys 6 hours a week over 3 days.
She has just told me she thinks I treat her young for her age and also that we have drifted apart. I asked her what she meant and she said its because she wants more freedom. We have discussed what she would like to do and I have agreed to her going to the park with her friend at the weekend and said I will speak to the other childs parents about them going to town together.
Some of her friends (not close friends) are always online showing off that they are having sleepovers on school nights, pranking about in town until 10pm plus and I think she sees that as what the 'cool' kids do. I will absolutely not let her do that at 12.
I do not feel at all like we have drifted, I think it's more to do with something she's heard someone else say. We do a lot just us and also as a family. No other children, just my husband who isn't her dad.she sees her dad regularly.
I guess I'm just asking really if I am being over the top to get so upset by her words?
She doesn't know I'm upset.
I told her that I'm glad that she spoke to me and I am happy that she can tell me how she feels and that if she can think of any ways in which she would like me to be different then I'm happy to chat about it.
Is this the first bumpy introduction to dealing with a teenage girl?!

OP posts:

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 18:13

Kids instinctively know how to stab you in your heart

Tell her tough. Your her parent. Your first priority is to make sure she makes it to be safe every night - not be her friend.

I think she has a lot of freedom tbh. A thirty min walk at 12 would be a bit much for me to agree with.

Mrsappleby · 01/05/2019 18:13

She's 12 and never been to the park with her friends?

agnurse · 01/05/2019 18:17

I think letting her go alone to the park is very reasonable.

She's reaching an age where she's going to want to do what "everybody" is doing.

You might show her the following article. The part about "Was Your Mom Mean?" is actually a separate article. Our mum kept a copy of it on the fridge

timesofindia.indiatimes.com/edit-page/You-Are-Fortunate-If-Your-Mom-Is-Mean/articleshow/1742240.cms

Original poster

ChoccieEClaire · 01/05/2019 18:19

Sorry I should have said, she has been to the park many times near home on her own and met friends. This was a park near a friends house which is one she's not been to before, about 30 mins from home that she will be walking to.

OP posts:

Herland · 01/05/2019 18:22

Surely it depends on what "going to the park" entails. When I was ten "going to the park" meant slides, see-saws and climbing frame. When I was thirteen "going to the park" meant smoking, snogging and drinking!

Original poster

ChoccieEClaire · 01/05/2019 18:22

@Tightarseparent1
They really do know how to stab you don't they!
I promise I am tough on her, she has strong rules and I am not afraid to enforce them.

@agnurse
Thank you for the recommendation, I will definitely be showing her that!!

OP posts:

Seeline · 01/05/2019 18:32

I think once they start secondary they do want (and need) a bit more freedom. It is also easier to 'train' them when they are a bit younger. Eg my DD has been going into the local town shopping with friends since Y6 - now y10 she is still happy texting me when she arrives/leaves places or changes her plans. I am happy to let her go further a field. My DD didn't want to do much with friends until he hit 6th form and it was much harder to get him to understand that it would be good if he could text if he was changing plans etc.

PositiveVibez · 01/05/2019 18:33

Tru dat 🤣

Original poster

ChoccieEClaire · 01/05/2019 18:33

@Herland
I was pretty similar which is probably why it scares me so much

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 01/05/2019 18:35

My parents were very protective of me growing up and as a teenager massively resented then. I was allowed to friends houses but never to the nearby town or beach where all the 'cool kids' went.

As an adult I now know exactly why they didnt let me do that, and am greatful they made those decisions. As I got older several of the cool kids became pregnant, arrested and a couple died of overdoses etc.

What my parents did was get me involved in groups that meant my weekends and after school time was busy.

Cadets or scouts are great co-ed groups to be involved in, educational where they can earn qualifications, there are sports activities and camps both in the UK and overseas. Despite not really being into aircraft I joined air cadets and made friends that lasted well into my 20's and we still meet up sometimes. We often went to the cinema or quaser at the weekend and I didnt feel like I was missing out anymore.

Original poster

ChoccieEClaire · 01/05/2019 18:36

@Seeline
Thats definitely true, My DD is good at contacting me when she arrives at school/friends house etc so I'm hoping I've put the training in for it to continue :)

OP posts:

MintyCedric · 01/05/2019 18:39

Some of her friends (not close friends) are always online showing off that they are having sleepovers on school nights, pranking about in town until 10pm

I work in a secondary school and this is not 'typical' so don't let her convince you it is!

I also have a 14yo only DD. It sounds like you have a great relationship, but if you let her take small steps towards independence now it will be less of a worry when she hits Yr 9 and really starts growing up with a vengeance.

I've never been one of those parents who starts hand wringing at each new stage ("omg...my baybeee is going to school" types), but the the last year has taken quite a bit of adapting to.

Original poster

ChoccieEClaire · 01/05/2019 23:16

@MintyCedric
That's really good advice, thank you and you're definitely right.
Little steps to independence is the way forward, as much for me as for her!

OP posts:

DesparateDino · 01/05/2019 23:23

It's not normal for a 12 year old to be out till ten at night. Most of dd's friends who are also 12 come in for tea time.

My 12 year old has only just started going into the local town on the bus with her friends (3 mile journey). They also go to the park about a five min walk away. Some of her friends are not allowed to do this, but I know from experience they need to do this.

I also have a 17 year year old and they always say their friends are allowed to do so and so. I say it's my job to keep you safe, so I will.

These are hard these next few years.

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