To still go on this holiday?!

[missconflicted]

Next month my ex and his wife are due to be taking our ds7 along with their younger two kids on holiday for a week. During that week my oh and I have also booked a holiday to Italy - a fairly grown up trip involving quite a lot of driving, adult only accommodation etc.

But my ex's wife has been having some health issues and it looks like she might be due to have an operation just before they are due to go on holiday. Whether or not she'll be fit to travel after I don't know.

I really don't know what to do if they can't go. I felt terrible about going away without ds anyway but I thought at least he would be on holiday having a good time with his dad and siblings. But if they end up not being able to go it's likely he'll be stuck at home while his dad tries to care for his recovering wife and two other kids! She does the lions share or the childcare stuff anyway so he'll be struggling.

So what do I do?! I could try and get ds on our holiday but it's likely to be something we won't know about until the last minute and so it might not be possible plus it would mean adapting the holiday completely which id be a bit gutted about and so would my oh (although understanding). We cancel which would be really disappointing. Or I leave ds with his dad and stepmum and try and enjoy myself which I won't because I'll probably feel so bloody guilty!

I'm hoping she'll be well enough to go but if not wwyd?

Take him with me.

Surely the first step is to ask your ex and his wife if (if the operation goes ahead) they would still want/be able to have your son.

If they say yes, problem solved. If no, then you need a plan B.

@DisplayPurposesOnly I'm pretty sure my ex would say yes. He knows I have a holiday booked and is quite good like that. It's whether or not I would be happy leaving ds to go off enjoying myself knowing he's not going anywhere iykwim

Well surely only you can answer that question!

You should just go and don’t feel guilty. Your ds will be with his dad and part of family life with him no matter which way it goes.

And it might all be fine. You don’t have safety concerns either, which would be different.

You owe it to yourself and OH to enjoy some time together and grown up time. And to model that for your dc.

It will probably all seem better when you go, usually worse when thinking about these things ime

I would go, if your ex is still OK to have your sin, then he would still be with his Dad and half siblings.

@Hollowvictory lol I'm just asking for other people's perspectives 🙈 I tend to overthink stuff like this a lot

But we can't tell you whether you'd be happy goi without your son which is what your question is 🙄

Go and enjoy yourself. It sounds like he'll be just fine with his dad

Surely the first step is to ask your ex and his wife if (if the operation goes ahead) they would still want/be able to have your son.

I don't agree with this. The child has two parents. The mother isn't the default parent.

Back to your post OP. I'd assume as dd was going away with his dad, his wife and hissiblings he'll be fine to stay at home with them.

I would say go and enjoy your rare grown up holiday.

If you were scheduled to have him, and you had to have surgery, then you'd still have to juggle having your child home with you while you recovered. Same for his father.

They are grown ups. He is your child's father. This is his week. They will figure it out.

I'm guessing you want people to reassure you that it's ok to still go and leave your son with his dad and partner while partner is recovering from surgery, and therefore unlikely to be going away as planned.

You need to have a frank discussion with both of them, tell them that you are willing to jiggle things around if it helps and see what they say. Only they know if they can cope.

Go.

You are worrying unnecessarily.

From the sound of it, your ex and his family still might be going on their holiday.

And they haven't even suggested that they might not want DS for the week, whichever way it turns out.

To be honest he won’t remember the holiday but you will and you’re allowed to enjoy yourself

Your ex will be home to look after all the DC can take them for days out etc. Will still be a "holiday" and time with his dad!

Surely if it's an arranged contact week for the ex, he should still have that contact regardless of whether they can go on holiday?

Go - he will be fine with his dad by the sounds of it

Thank you for the reassurance. As I said I just felt a bit guilty about the prospect of leaving him at home especially if his dad is struggling and his wife is laid up in bed! It's not like he'll be having any fun. It doesn't seem fair on them or ds. Had I been home I would have been on hand if my ex needed to bring ds home but being out of the country obviously that won't be possible.

But we so very rarely get to go away and this is a holiday we've really thought through and tried to plan as an 'adult trip' for the two of us. Just feel very torn. Hoping it won't even be an issue and she'll be well enough to go....

I wonder if you could organise grandparents or friends to have "sleepovers" a few times during the time you're away? Then DS gets the fun of doing something different and the pressure is off ex while he's helping his DP recover?

@Hiphopopotamous that's a great idea and I'm sure my parents would be more than happy to do that. I just know I'll feel awful being away enjoying myself knowing ds is stuck at home 🙈

The first adult holiday while the DC are with the their dad was very stressful but it gets better with time. In fact that's an understatement-it's amazing!!

I think you're being very caring to consider the ex's and his wife's circumstances but he is your son's father and if he feels it's can all be managed then let him do so.

My girls have a week's holiday with their dad every summer, he chooses to not take them anywhere and there's not much I can do about that but they have a nice, extended period of time with their dad. I know that he would have already told me he wouldn't have them if there was an issue with his wife so he glad it's not been cancelled by your ex-sounds like you've got quite a good agreement between the two of you.?

Maybe throw out a brief question regarding "you know I'm off on holiday on the **th, is that still all going to be ok?" ...see what comes back!

@Hiphopopotamous has a great idea. It is also possible that ex's wife might recover fairly quickly (possibly happy to be left at home pottering while ex takes the boys out, for example), so it might not be hugely boring for your DS or she's well enough to go on their holiday.

Definitely go and enjoy your holiday. It's not long, ex seems happy to have him and don't underestimate how rested you might feel on your return. Sounds like your parents could be on hand to support ex in your absence too.

Worst case is it all goes pear shaped, your parents are maxed out and you need to fly home early. Seems unlikely though.