To not have a plan? Please advise me

[Howmuchcompany]

DC1 due in 9 weeks.

We live 3 hours from DPs and DPILs. We’re reasonably new here, I have good friends from work but a lot of our best and oldest friends are at least an hour away.

My DPs not expressing much excitement but this is normal for them.

MIL is super excited. They are going on holiday not really that near us (but they think it is) between 6 and 13 days after due date and have booked a hotel in our city on the way back so they can pop in but not be in the way. They know baby might not have appeared. They didn’t so much ask about this but are clearly trying to be respectful and kind. MIL has said to DH she is worried about not being able to be involved. I’ve known her for a long time but we’re not super close but she’s very nice. Her and FIL are quite good house guests - always bring loads of supplies, would be good about doing dishwasher/putting washing on/nipping to the shops. She’s offered to come and stay and give a hand in the early days, and also offered not to bring FIL if I’d prefer. She had her DM stay when DBIL was born and her MIL when DH was born.

My DPs aren’t such good house guests, need a bit of prompting, don’t so much pitch in, although to be fair they don’t expect us to when we visit either although we do. I’m not super close to my mum. I think actually in a new baby situation Mum would be really hands on, she’s got loads of breast feeding experience and is quite no nonsense and gets on with things.

I have two younger siblings who also live with DPs (well, one is at uni but would be home for the summer and the other has some mental health and behaviour problems but is quite highly functioning outside of the home). They both need a bit of prompting and are in no way helpful around the house and create mess and neither has brilliant personal hygiene.

I expect both DSises to want to visit and I do love them and want them to meet the baby.

We have 2 double bedrooms (ours and spare room) and double sofa bed in living room as well as baby nursery and open plan lounge diner. There is physically space for everyone to sleep but it would feel crowded and full. Also DH snores and I’m not sleeping great in pregnancy and quite often one or other of us will use the spare room.

I don’t want to push people away, I like all these people and do want to see them but I don’t know how I’m going to feel... will I just be wanting to sit with my boobs out crying and want everyone to leave me alone? Or will I be desperate for help? Or will I be lonely and desperate to show the baby off?

I was thinking to say to DMIL that yes we’d like her to come and stay at some point but could we gage nearer the time when would be best. Probably once DH is back at work, but I’m slightly concerned what we’d chat about all day! I think she’d like me to have a plan now but I just don’t!

My DPs haven’t mentioned it so I’ve just been avoiding the topic because I don’t know what I want. Maybe for DPs to come alone for a bit midweek? And then suggest that they rent a holiday cottage over the weekend if the girls want to come as well? Again with no fixed timings. Money not really an issue for them and properties should be available. Not sure if they’d think it rude.

You and DMIL will chat about baby, TV, her experiences. I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

No one can tell you how you will feel when you have a new born but if these people love you they will support whatever you want to do. I’d only have one set of family stay at a time though.

Oh gosh yes, wouldn’t dream of having both!

Once your hubby goes back to work is good idea for MIL to visit to help.

Yes, once your dh goes back to work get the most helpful person you know round to help. In your case I'd definitely pick mil.
As regards the sisters, invite them when you're ready, be firm about them not staying.
As regards your parents, once baby is here see what you feel like and what they want to do. In my experience, having people who you don't have a good relationship with round, even for a couple of hours, can be hell. Regardless of your mums experience, if you don't get on, it'll be exhausting having her to stay.

Once DH goes back to work is a good starting point especially if you end up having a c-section. It worked out for us that DP only had a week left after I had DD due to being in hospital etc. I wouldn’t worry about what to talk about - no one really expects much chat from a new mum in the early days and if you are chatty it’s usually centred around the new baby!

Thanks everyone. I feel better for having gone through it.

I feel like I’ve done DM a bit of a disservice. It’s not so much that we don’t get on as that we’re just very different and she’s usually not my go to person for advice/support unless of a purely practical nature. She doesn’t really drive me crazy. She was quite hurtful during our fertility difficulties but I genuinely don’t think she meant to be. I never felt able to tell her though. I quite often have the impression she thinks I’m shallow/frivolous/daft and we’re not a very demonstrative family anyway. A pat on the back when I passed my exams/moved out/graduated. From in birthday cards not love. She’d never phone me but I think appreciates the chat when I phone her and we do chat away.

She’s a properly good person who just gets on with things and doesn’t expect any praise or glory. She just doesn’t generally get happy or excited about things and can be a bit judgemental. I do love her dearly and she’s done loads for me throughout my life. DF is lovely and soppy and not really so practical and a bit easily embarrassed!

I think I’ll say to MIL can she come and stay when DH goes back to work (+/- FIL, I probably don’t hugely mind) DH actually gets a month and can have a further 12 days unpaid if we want so will say just don’t know timings at the moment.

I won’t mention it to DPs yet but potentially will think about DPs coming midweek for a few days and maybe the girls joining one weekend and possibly staying elsewhere, maybe with DPs in a cottage. I think the girls might be easier to manage with DPs around actually. I think they left it quite a while until we met DGPs when we were little so I don’t think they’ll be offended.

Thank you all!

I actually also feel really reassured by people saying not to worry about conversation, it’ll be about the baby, past experiences etc. Obviously that’s the case. And I do in fact talk to people for a living. I think I’d just got a bit overwhelmed and worried. Thank you!

You might not want or need anyone to stay with you. I never did, which I much preferred. People came for the day, but we had all our evenings to ourselves. There isn’t often a great deal to do with your first baby.

I generally don’t mind people staying and quite like hosting (as a childless person!) but just not sure how I’m going to feel.

I would rather people just pop in for a bit in the day really but 3 and a half hours is just a bit too far for that and I don’t want to exclude either!