... to ask you how to get past deep, overwhelming regret at various life decisions?

[friedaklein]

I have had a very complicated life for reasons I won't go into. I made a number of career and money related decisions which I now see will affect our DC badly. For instance, I gave up a great, well paid job opportunity in another country to look after my father who was dying of cancer. At the time I thought this was the right thing to do. Now given the economy, I wonder how I could have been so stupid and I think I should have put the DC first. There were other crappy decisions I made. I think about these decisions all day. DH says we can;t go back, only forward. I get that but I can't seem to be able to do that. I wish I had a do-over. I am thinking of getting therapy for this. How do you get past your huge mistakes, the ones you still think about ten years later?

Every now and then I think about some of the crap decisions I’ve made... turning down what I now realise was a chance in a lifetime job to be with boyfriend at the time (now exH!) Wasting so many years of my life being downtrodden by said ex H! Stupid financial decisions...

However you can only make what seems like the best decision at the time with all the information you have available. And honestly, I did that, and I’m sure you did too. Plus I’m pretty happy now, and if I’d made different decisions my life now might be completely different and not in a good way,for example I wouldn’t have my lovely DC!

Your DH is right, sounds like you have a good one there.

Honestly, counselling. Just talking through all the decisions I made with someone gently asking the right questions to unravel some of the whys. It made me understand the reasoning behind them, who I was at the time & the knowledge & experience I had then compared to now. An awful lot of soul searching leading to forgiveness of myself & others. Sounds trite I know but I live better now I’m not tortured by that stuff & no longer afraid of making more stupid mistakes.

Yeh, it’s such a tricky one isn’t it. I’m at a stage now where I’m just starting to realise the mistakes I’ve made I suppose.im now 34 and have honestly just coasted along in life (I didn’t have a supportive upbringing and am now NC with my mother, father deceased) I did go to University but have no career from this now and didn’t enjoy what I studied, we don’t own a home )this plays on my mind a lot now). Having my DD has really highlighted this. But then if I didn’t go down the path I have I wouldn’t have met my DD’s Dad. I try not to dwell but I know it’s hard x

Cultivating self-compassion, I suppose. I wouldn't judge anyone else for not always having known the best thing to do, not always predicting the future right, not always thinking clearly, so actively trying to extend this same understanding and compassion towards myself. Counselling definitely helps.

Therapy keeps me upright, moving forward, being an OK parent, working, surviving. People tell me I am strong. I think I'm hard and selfish. In therapy is the only place I can go through all the intensely selfish decisions I made and make some kind of sense of it, find some peace. My friends really don't want to hear it any more. I pay a lot of money because I wanted to choose who I saw and when. for me that's worth a lot.

Honestly , I try to live in the moment and practice gratitude.
I still have negative intrusive thoughts every day but I try to love myself and nurture myself.
That turn in the road you think you missed might not have led where you thought anyway.

Your husband is right

There's no point wasting time and headspace worrying about things you can't change. You did it for the best motives and it was the right thing at the time. Draw a line, move on.

Be kind to yourself, you made a choice to look after your vulnerable parent.. you cannot put a price on that! I understand your frustrations about how it has affected your career. Think about the example you have shown your DC- showing love, compassion and putting family first. Your DH is right, you can't go back in time. You can revisit your emotions and process them with counselling though. Sometimes a different perspective is useful.

Good luck xx

Agonising over things that have been is such a waste of your life. If you feel you made mistakes, think about what you've learned from them and cut yourself a break. We're all human and sometimes make mistakes and we can all only do what feels right at the time. If you really are spending all day every day analysing it all though, I would second counselling as a good way to help you move forward.

Also give yourself a break. You cared for your dying father. If you hadn’t you may well be agonising over not helping him. Decisions are tough. But sometimes there is no right answer, we just do the best we can in the circumstances
If you’re children are loved then anything else is a bonus. And if you can’t afford those extras they will still be happy loved kids.

I always find that if I continue to make awful decisions, I'm too busy dealing with the consequences to think about previous terrible choices.

A bit like avoiding a hang over by staying drunk!

Thank you all so much for replying. Sorry to disappear after posting. I had my first session of therapy last week; I do feel a bit better, though I think I need many more sessions.

Temporary Permanent, your post makes so much sense. I am often called strong. I feel like my friends don't need to hear it any more either.

I do agree that I need to learn gratitude and living in the moment. Hoping my therapist teaches me that.

I think most of my life decisions have been piss poor to be honest, but made with the right intentions. I find that helps me forgive myself. Counselling has helped too. And talking about it.

@friedaklein

Glad to hear you've started therapy and finding it helpful.

My philosophy:
You made the best decisions you could with the information you had in the past. You didn’t deliberately make decisions to disadvantage yourself/your DCs.
Everything that has happened to you has influenced who you are now. Loving/liking yourself means you have to accept all the things that brought you here.

To add to that - would I do some things differently if I had a do over? Maybe. I don’t regret them as things are though.

Take a look at Paul Gilbert's compassion focused therapy. It could complement the work you do in therapy.

The example you gave though must have been so tough. I think you'd just be beating yourself up for having made the wrong decision if you hadn't cared for your dad.

You couldn't predict the future. You made the decision that was right for you and that you could live with at the time. I wouldn't be surprised if the way you're punishing yourself now isn't part of your grief.

I hope therapy helps you find some peace with yourself. I know it's not as easy as "just choosing" to suddenly feel totally different.