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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To follow my dream

38 replies

RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 13:25

Have wanted to sell up for a while and travel, rather than live in 4 walls all the time.
We'd seriously down size, keep a small home for winter and travel throughout the UK.
Dh has not been on board until now, and we aren't usually the type to plan, just drift through life.
However, I think I've worn him down now, but he also has mh issues.
AIBU to go ahead with it now he's on board or is it wrong as he has mh issues and could be manipulating him.

OP posts:
tessiegirl · 01/05/2019 13:32

Is he really 'on board' with this or have you worn him down to make him agree? Hmm

Ellisandra · 01/05/2019 13:33

I expect you’ll start backtracking on phrases like “worn him down” but yes, it sounds like you are manipulating or even coercing him into it.

Who paid for the house from which the equity will fund this? (I know I know about marital assets...) but it would add another dimension morally if you push him into this if he paid the lion’s share of the house.

What are his MH issues? Would they be alleviated by his wife not wearing him down to follow her dreams?

Original poster
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 13:36

I'm not sure about the manipulation tbh.
I'm not normally that type you see, never have been the type to do this and he's the type of man who usually isn't talked into things.
We've been together 30 years and we know each other pretty well but this is a big thing.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 01/05/2019 13:39

Go for it. It’s nit the end of the world if it doesn’t work out, but you will regret never trying.
Good luck
and good for you.

Ellisandra · 01/05/2019 13:42

I disagree with “go for it” when the OP has doubts about her husband’s commitment to it.

Look, you clearly have equity in your house if you can downsize to free up cash.

So why not remortgage to get an amount out, and use that to just buy a small campervan, cover living costs, and make repayments - and start travelling the UK for 6 months?

That might be enough to get it out of your system, or enough for him to say he bloody loves it, let’s sell up and continue!

Ellisandra · 01/05/2019 13:45

Not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out?
Aye, not the actual end of the world.
But if they use up lots of their equity, and he wants to stop and she wants to carry on, and resentment builds on both sides, and the new winter home isn’t worth enough to sell and buy 2 new properties if they split...
It’s not good.

It’s not enough to say “follow your dreams! You’ll regret it if you don’t!” when there are 2 people involved, and one isn’t committed.

There are better ways to try this first.

Original poster
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 13:52

It's not something we'd split up over if dh decided it wasn't for him.
We really don't want to remortgage, but could afford a nice 2 bed bungalow going from a large 4 bed Edwardian semi.

I suppose I'm wondering whether to wait and see if his mh improves, he will always have issues though.
I suppose the suck it and see idea is good, just trying it for a summer and seeing how we feel during the winter, if we are itching to get back.

OP posts:
Norrisskipjack · 01/05/2019 13:59

You want to sell upnto travel in the uk? Hmm

You can get from one end of the uk to the other in 2 days without any effort, why on earth do you need to sell your home to do this??

Ellisandra · 01/05/2019 14:07

Clue is in the name I think! Travelling rather than travel is not always about wanting to get from A to B or visit C.

Even without remortgaging, can you not just do this for a month? I’d not even pick summer when it’s more likely to be nicer weather, and nice evenings. Do it spring or autumn and have some days rained in, or just a bit cold.

Are you planning to wild camp in a van? Spend a month looking for sites, and dealing with people’s reactions, see how that goes.

I own a campervan btw so I’m a fan of moving around and I love a good wild camp spot! But I think you’re being unrealistic at the moment, to do something as drastic as selling your house.

I’d do the month with no changes to the house situation.
Then 6 months with the house let out, maybe.
If you’d downsize anyway, that’s different maybe.

You’ve not said much about his MH issues, and I think you need to be realistic about those.

Original poster
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 15:19

Norris

It's more to do with the experience than getting from A to B, although there will be some of that due to working in certain areas.

Ellisandra

We weren't thinking of sites tbh, more staying on friends land and those that offer their land through work.
Quite often a land owner has suggested we could have stayed there for a few days.

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 01/05/2019 15:24

So is the plan to be nomadic in the UK? I'll be honest and say I don't see the point. If you were travelling around different countries fair enough. Plus the UK is generally cold, wet, and windy if you've not noticed before 🙄

Snog · 01/05/2019 15:27

Will you still be working while you travel or have you retired?

Original poster
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 15:29

FlyingMonkeys

There are some beautiful places in the UK, and it's just as wet cold and windy if you live in a static home.
We may do other countries too, sometimes work in south of France, Germany and Italy. But haven't researched their travelling laws as of yet. It's just in it's infancy atm.
I think the mh issues would improve tbh, once there are new areas to explore.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 01/05/2019 15:30

Selling up to 'travel' throughout the UK 🤔

What's the point?

FlyingMonkeys · 01/05/2019 15:34

So are you planning on living in a tent or sofa surfing in exchange for work? I can understand the perspective that you believe your OHs MH will improve with less things to worry about in relation to work/running a house, but it will be pretty stressful trying to work out where you'll be living on a weekly basis. It's non of my business but it all sounds a bit mid life crisis tbh.

FlyingMonkeys · 01/05/2019 15:37

As pp suggested though - a campervan would be wonderful and offer great experiences without losing security.

Ellisandra · 01/05/2019 15:48

You may find that the number of friends willing to offer their land to you reduces, the more times you need it!

And although you obviously know more about his MH issues than me, and haven’t given any detail here, it does sound naïve to say that they’ll improve through somewhere new to explore. MH issues are usually more complex than a nice view of the beach (though that can do wonders!). The benefit of new horizons may be undermined by new stresses of small space, never feeling that you’re at home, having to find places to stay and worry whether you’ve reached the outstaying your welcome stage.

Why wasn’t he keen before?

Original poster
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 15:50

This is the type of thing, less purple and very bright.
I think the point is just getting away and being free.
We'd carry on working but to a lesser extent, as we'd need less money.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/05/2019 16:11

You need to make sure that you understand what both of your meaning of “free” is.

Not sure if you were sharing that clip just to show the gypsy-style van, but I watched a bit of it. She’s parked up permanently - not sure whose land, but she was talking about walking round the garden, access to “the house” for showers, and having a cat.

I totally get the downsizing, having to work less, and therefore not stressing about money. But you’d get that from the winter fixed home, downsizing for all year round.

For me, “free” is knowing I have equity in my house so that if life throws me a curve ball, I’ve got something to turn to.

People do live on the road, and you’re planning a fixed winter place anyway. And you’re not me Grin. I’ve met plenty of people long term in vans when I’ve been wild camping for a night or two in mine. It’s not crazy.

If you were asking for you, I’d say - let your house out, do it for a year, then decide - but do it.

But there’s another person involved and I think you’re right to be concerned. You don’t think he’s committed or you wouldn’t have posted.

I think the type of ‘van’ you’ve shown, and the choice of name (RomanyQueen not, for instance, RomanyGirl) might hint at you romanticising the lifestyle a bit. I’d say get some reality under your belt for BOTH of you before selling up.

Good luck to you though... if it’s right for both of you, I wish you happy travels!

Original poster
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 16:27

Thank you Elisandra

He wasn't on board before as he saw it as many others have here, but since his mh issues got worse, it's just lots of baggage and trauma from childhood, he thinks it's a good idea and would welcome the opportunity.

I may be romanticising a bit as haven't done it before, and it might turn out to be bleak, I don't know.
My name is due to a dna test and finding out who I was, and one of my ancestors was a queen of her clan. I know that doesn't make me Romany Royalty, but thought the name was ok. Grin

Thank you very much for your honesty, yes, was just showing the type of van we'd like.

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 01/05/2019 16:33

Living full time in a camper is much more fun somewhere warm when you can have a very outside life.

Lots of inspirational #vanlife videos on your tube. Check out max and lee going through central and South America.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/05/2019 16:35

He wasn't on board before as he saw it as many others have here, but since his mh issues got worse, it's just lots of baggage and trauma from childhood, he thinks it's a good idea and would welcome the opportunity.

I'd be very concerned that he's looking to "run away" from his MH problems and, while we've all been there, there are very few problems that would actually improve in these circumstances.

I also suspect there's a lot of wanting to make you happy in this, which is sweet, but you don't seem to know what you're getting yourself into either.

I can understand having a travel itch and dreaming of travelling and working less, absolutely, but I wouldn't sell up my home to explore it unless I was very sure I'd be happy spending the rest of my life like that, and I wouldn't do it with someone who had bad MH issues. You'll be in a bad place if he doesn't cope well and you've sold up and moved on.

What's the real appeal for you here?

Original poster
RomanyQueen1 · 01/05/2019 17:26

The real appeal is the easier life. He gets down being in the same place, we've moved a lot and each time it's been his idea, even though I haven't disagreed. I've wanted to try it for ages, but have been waiting until kids were older.

I can see some trial is needed first, and we wouldn't be left with no property if it didn't work out.

The work would be confirmed already before travelling to that area.
I suppose it's not having to earn a whole heap of money and taking the stress away.
He is saying that he thinks he would like it, and his mh would improve if he wasn't so stressed and ill all the time.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/05/2019 17:32

So he’s already instigated moving a number of times, and it hasn’t helped?
I get that this is a lifestyle change not just a move this time - but that does make me feel wary!

RosaWaiting · 01/05/2019 17:37

does he need access to the same GP regularly?

I think you'd need full on 100% enthusiasm from him to be right to try it.

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