Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be freaked out that my ex is engaged even though I am *so* over it...

13 replies

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 01/05/2019 09:00

Last night I found out that my ex (lived together for 5 years) is engaged to the woman that he cheated on me with and left me for. They have been together around 3 years, I have had a relationship since too. I don't didn't think about him anymore, other than to realise what a lucky escape I thought I had...

So why am I sitting here after 3 years feeling like a complete bag of shit? Does this mean I am not over the situation after all?

I feel a bit woo this morning but obviously pretending to EVERYone that I'm fine when really I just want to go and have a cry in the toilets at work...

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 01/05/2019 09:11

Go have a cry OP. Or take a half day and do something nice for you. Even if you're over 'him' the hurt can still hide away and pop up sometimes.

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 09:18

I don't think this means you're not over him romantically. I realise that is the chicklit answer, but I actually think the situation can sometimes be more complex than that.

One of the things that happens with exes is a kind of competition/ comparison that has little to do with love or romantic entanglement. It's tempting to compare their new relationship with your old one, and to wonder what the other person has that you didn't have (especially if the person has made a commitment like engagement to them but refused to do so with you). This is often intensified if you've been through the kind of awful feelings of rejection that go with an affair. There's also sometimes a sense of being left behind - they are all loved up and fine, and you're still looking for the right person.

Of course, all of this is based on a series of phoney and unhealthy ideas. Someone having a successful relationship with another person is absolutely no reflection on your worth to or compatibility as a partner with other people. Life isn't a race, and it matters far more that you marry the right person than that you marry early. Someone who has cheated is not necessarily going to be a highly committed lifetime partner either. Just because they are getting married doesn't make your mistake any less lucky. Flowers

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 09:18

ESCAPE not mistake! DAMMIT!!

user1474894224 · 01/05/2019 09:19

I would think this is normal. Have a cry, grieve for the feelings, then move on (remember she's now going to have a lifetime of him! That should cheer you up). Also - I think there's at least a sort of closure in him settling down with person he cheated with....sort of at least all the hurt and pain caused wasn't for nothing ....does that make any sense at all.

Wurkit · 01/05/2019 09:26

I think you’re acting normally!

I went out with my first love from when I was 16 til I was 23. I met my now husband when I was 26 and had my first baby at 29. I’ve heard through the grapevine that my first love was a bit upset about it when my DS was born.

I’d have been the same if it was him!

Be kind to yourself x

Foslady · 01/05/2019 09:42

Perfectly normal - she’s got the happy ever after that should have been yours.
Have a cry, eat chocolate and mumble to yourself about nothing being fair for 24 hours.......then deep breath, smile and step forward again.

You can do this

HBStowe · 01/05/2019 09:42

Absolutely agree with everything @downcasteyes has said!

Feel your feelings OP, then let them go. This raw sensation will pass Flowers

Adversecamber22 · 01/05/2019 09:52

I have an ex who was a total head messer I’m glad I never settled with him. It’s years now but we are only human. I think it’s more a why did they treat me badly and also why did I let them treat me badly and why are they good to someone else but not just me moment of clarity.

You will be ok, do some thing nice for yourself.

Original poster
Moneys2Tight2Mention · 01/05/2019 10:19

Thanks everyone. I think it's true that it feels like rejection all over again!

wonder what the other person has that you didn't have
There was a LOT of this in the beginning when he first left... and that feeling has kind of come back again!

But I really like the analogy that all the pain wasn't for nothing - what a great way of looking at it.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2019 10:32

She's got the happy ever after.
Well I wouldn't call being with a cheat "The happy ever after", but maybe that's just me.

If he cheated on you op. He'll cheat on her.

Dvg · 01/05/2019 10:45

trust me, it doesnt mean you arnt over him.

When me and my ex of 3 years split up ( i split things with him as i just didn't feel the same anymore) I was heartbroken when i heard he and another girl had a baby together, it wasn't because i still loved him... i don't think i really ever did but it was because i did use to think we would be that couple who settled down and had kids etc... the feeling didnt last long ^^ and now i have a perfect family and glad things worked out this way.

It hurt back then but now every time i think of that time i think how lucky i am.

PregnantSea · 02/05/2019 00:43

You know what she has that you don't have? A partner who she knows will cheat, and a relationship founded on cheating. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

I'd be wishing them the best of luck and smugly giggling into my coffee...

Ilady · 02/05/2019 05:51

I think that after you have been with some for a period of time and you brake up it can take time to get over them. You often wonder why he decided to get engaged/married/have children with her and not you. It hard when your life does not appear to be sorted as his. But do you know what your life could be in a better place and more sorted than his within a few years.
To be honest no one is going to put up how shite their life is on fb.

I have a friend who I will call Paula. She was a great friend with this man John for years. One night they hooked up and John knew Paula wanted to have a relationship with him but he just wanted her as a fuck buddy. She give him a few chances to change this but he never did. She just stopped being available as much and told him she was busy if he rang.

Well after this the following happen to him.
He meet a woman and got her pregnant within 3 months. He said to his friends for years he wanted a family and Paula knew this.
Paula heard that some of his friends don't think the child is his.
Paula also heard a few years ago he had some money worries. He tried to sell his house but it did not sell.

Paula, told me I saw photos of him,her and the baby on fb and I did think why is that not me with him. I felt I had a lot more to offer him than she has.
But now I am glad that he turned me down as my life is better now than it would be with him.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page