I don't really notice when my friends lose weight. Is that a character flaw or how it should be?

[SoHotADragonRetired]

I have two friends who have been losing weight lately, say about 1-2 stone each. Both would be classed as overweight/plus size at their start point, I think, although I don't know their weight or dress size. I know about their weight loss from them mentioning it and when I look for it I can see it, although I must admit I hadn't noticed it off my own back.

I genuinely don't know whether this is kind of self-absorbed of me and I should be paying more attention, or whether it's OK that it just doesn't matter to me. To me they're my friends, they would still be my friends however their weight fluctuated, and their weight just isn't really on my radar. As my friends I wish them success in their weight loss goals and would be sad at their distress if they were gaining and unhappy about it, but in itself it doesn't matter to me. If they said "I've lost a stone doing Slimming World", I'd say "Awesome, well done you, how are you finding it?" But I wouldn't spontaneously say "You've lost weight", partly because it feels like such a no-win situation; what if it's actually "I'm too depressed to eat" not "my diet is going really well"?

And, no, I don't tend to talk about diets and weight with my friends. I don't diet, I hate being made part of other people's "ooh, should I eat it, I'm being so naughty, what if we split it" neuroses about food (hello DM), so it doesn't generally come up.

So. AIBU to think that my friends' weight is not any of my business?

I’m the same. There are things I notice automatically and things I don’t. You’d only be a bad friend if they flagged it up and you didn’t then say “ooh, good for you, looking great” and so on

I wouldn’t notice/comment on small weight losses.
If someone had obviously lost about 5 stone and looked totally different, then I probably would!

I'm the same, I also don't notice minor haircuts and other small changes to appearance. Probably because those things aren't remotely important to me. I always notice if someone is looking fed up or down though

Even if I notice I wouldn't say anything unless I am close enough to them to know if they were dieting. As you say, they could be ill or something.

I'm exactly the same. Never ever notice when people put on or loose a bit of weight.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not good at noticing weight loss and working out people’s age. I always thought it’s just me but I usually discuss weight and diet with friends (their and mine) I also discuss other topics which are not relevant to me as such but matter to them. I’ve got a feeling from your post that you’re sort of deliberately avoiding this topic for various reasons and this might be difficult for your friends if it’s a big deal for them and they want to talk about it. It might come across like you don’t have this issue so you don’t understand people who have ( and don’t want to understand) and this attitude might be hurtful for a friend. Just a thought.

I lost four stone before anyone mentioned it! TBH I was quite pleased that no one said anything before because I didn’t want the ‘what diet?’ conversation (none - just being careful) or weekly diet chats!

I'm the same, I think it's not something I really look at/for. Although presumably if they'd lost 5 stone I would!

I find it quite uncomfortable when people can tell immediately any small weight loss/gain, it makes me feel like I'm always being sized up like a cow!

I’ve got a feeling from your post that you’re sort of deliberately avoiding this topic for various reasons

I mean... Sort of? And also sort of not? I'm interested in eating healthily, and cooking nice food, healthy and not, and I'm interested in sport and exercise. But I feel a lot of women have an unhealthy relationship with food and weight and I don't want to be a part of that, so yes, I won't play along if someone wants to involve me in that. But it also just never really occurs to me to talk about... weight.

My DM had a very unhealthy relationship with food and weight and I feel that I had to work not to be saddled with that myself.

I notice, but I never know whether to comment. I have a close friend who has lost loads of weight lately. I think she looks great now, but I also thought she looked great before. I know she has been suffering from anxiety and OCD, and I don't want to comment in case it's not a supportive thing to do. I just say "Oh my God, you look fantastic, I love your top!" rather than going for the weight issue.

I used to be anorexic, and people would constantly comment on and ask me about my weight in ways that I found embarrassing. Even reactions and comments that were intended to be nice could sometimes be weird, because they definitely reinforced an association of thin = positive attention., fat = no attention.

I tell people they look lovely and they tell me why and I say "ooh yes!"

My sister is like that - a couple of years ago I lost over 2 stone, and it was pretty noticeable. We'd be with other friends who said nice stuff, and not a word from her. I've never addressed it with her, although we're pretty close, but I think its because our mother also had quite an unhealthy relationship with weight and appearance and that's been her way of dealing with it. I wasn't seeking validation and was mainly doing it for health reasons, so I wasn't upset by this, but it was slightly strange.

I notice. Some people are happy for you to mention it (and indeed want you to), while others aren't; generally you can tell which is which! There's a whole social code of comments like "Oooh, you're looking very well", too. A person's response to them is usually quite good guidance as to whether they want it discussed or not.

The thing I find difficult is knowing what to say with friends who are very overweight and dieting. I know them well enough to know that they would appreciate any words of support on the matter, but I can't always tell if they've lost much since I last saw them. I've been very overweight myself and people have (somewhat obviously) adopted the "Just tell her she's thinner" approach with me before; it's kind of them but always leaves me feeling like they're just saying it to be nice, and that I was so very fat before that they can't really spot the difference between quite fat and very fat so it's a minefield basically!!

I just tell people they're looking great now, if I know they're the type who like such comments. It seems to be generally acceptable

Incidentally: when I lost lots of weight in the UK, I found it weird that no-one commented on it. I later realised that my first bout of weight loss as a teenager was in one of the most image-conscious countries on earth and so the general response of that society (delight that I was no longer large) was perhaps the less healthy one of the two

Even reactions and comments that were intended to be nice could sometimes be weird, because they definitely reinforced an association of thin = positive attention., fat = no attention.

Yes! Which is why it feels like a no-win situation! I don't want to reinforce the idea that my friend is somehow more worthy of... Something because she's lost some weight. And that's before we get into, actually, am I reinforcing unhealthy behaviour which will hurt her in the end, or God forbid an ED.

I also think that some friends are for different things, and I am probably not the friend you should go to for diet chat, just as I wouldn't go to my childless friends to talk about school admissions or how to manage a 4yo's behaviour.

I think there are plenty of ways of complimenting someone and making them feel great that don't go near weight. Pick out a nice print and tell someone they have great taste, or notice a nice cut on a jacket and say it really suits them, or say that someone's hair is looking amazing, or their jewellery is always so cool, or whatever.

If someone brings up their weight loss spontaneously, then I think it's OK to comment, but always best to listen carefully to the terms in which it's discussed. If someone says "I've lost a ton of weight and I don't know why, I don't feel right at all" or "I've lost weight because I'm too anxious to eat" then obviously "WOW YOU LOOK AMAZING!" may not be the best response.

As someone whose weight as fluctuated significantly I’d appreciate that you hadn’t noticed. I’d take it that you saw me and not my body shape. Nothing worse than effusive praise when you’re losing and a silent eye flick up and down your body when you’ve gained. Of course I’m human and want the validation but I’ve learned it’s not healthy for me.

I do notice a nice jacket/changed makeup/new hairdo though and will always say "You look great, I love your hair" or whatever, as long as I mean it. I like to stick to complimenting people on things that are in their conscious control like putting a great outfit together or something.

It seems IANBU as long as I take my cue from a friend who brings it up?

I suppose when you get right down to it this is all about my DM. When my older siblings came home from uni or to visit the first thing she would say when they were out of earshot was "s/he has gained/lost weight", and I'd be like "...that's my sibling, I profoundly don't care, except now I wonder what you say about ME when I'm not listening".

Two stone off someone plus-size is not going to show much.

Ohhhh, I hear you on the mother. Mine is terrible - she cannot seem to refrain from commenting on weight gain or loss, even though she will simultaneously moan that my grandmother does this. She definitely has disordered eating, is always a very low BMI and definitely contributed to me getting anorexia when I was younger. Like you, it makes me more determined to show that I see other things about people than a set of scales. It's really hard when you have that internalised and constantly critical voice, and I am determined not to 'pass it on' or to reinforce it in other women.

Unlike many on here, my DM believes (and taught us) that it is the height of bad manners to comment on other people’s weight.
And that it is tedious in the extreme to go on about one’s own weight.
I’m not quite as extreme as her, but as a general principle it has served me well.

How's your weight op?

In many people a couple of stone weight loss is noticeable. If you know they are t slimming world, and you can see the weight loss, then you know they have achieved something. So why not mention it.

I don't for one moment believe you simply can't see it, unless they were obese to start with.

I generally don't comment on others weight, my mum irritates the hell out of me talking about how skinny I am, she means it nice but I hate others talking about my body

But, one of my friends has lost a lot of weight and I've commented in a positive way as she's proud and wants to talk about it, I think it's about 5 stone now.

And another friend has been a rake, so slim and desperate to gain weight, she's bulked up her legs and they look lovely (muscular) so I've commented. Again she was over the moon I'd noticed and she's feeling much happier now she's starting to gain

How's your weight OP?

Normal and stable.

I don't for one moment believe you simply can't see it, unless they were obese to start with.

I don't know if they were obese or not. I don't think about whether my friends are obese as opposed to merely overweight and I don't ask for their stats. I'm sure I would notice if they shrank from an 18 to an 8, say, but I think? the loss we're talking about it more 18-20 to 16 or so.

I'd mention it if I noticed, compliments are always nice! But if you see someone regularly and weight loss is gradual it can be hard to notice.