To avoid dripfeeding, my brother died last Tuesday following an accident.
In addition to that, I'm being made redundant, DP has only got a short term ZHC contract starting in a couple of weeks, the washing machine has packed up and I'm chronically sleep deprived at the best of times.
And I'm mentally unpacking the abusive family dynamics that were in full force whilst DB was in hospital. He was the only one who ever seemed to like me and, as part of this, his ASD and love for comic books, he passed that on to me. He would take me to see every single superhero movie as soon as it came out, buy me comics, completely ignore the other family members telling him he shouldn't do it because I was a girl and, despite his small size and timid nature, would do what he could to try to protect me as much as possible.
My last words to him as he was taken to Theatre for organ donation (his wishes since the 1970s) were 'Go on, be a hero'.
Anyhow, I'm sad that he missed the release of Avengers Endgame, as he would have been there as soon as he could to watch it. So I wanted to go and see it properly, just as I would have done with him (no snacks after the trailers, sit in the back 2 or 3 rows in the middle for the best vision and audio, do not talk and do not leave your seat under any circumstances other than fire, death or the end of the credits). DP came with me (it's not his thing, but he understands why it's important to me).
Watched the film, some bits were especially intense for me, but I'm glad I saw it. Decided I wanted a pint afterwards, so we started walking, not holding hands or talking because, to be frank, I was needing to hold it together for a bit longer, so we probably didn't look like we were a couple.
And then three men decided to start catcalling and saying revolting things about my arse as I walked past. I usually ignore it unless it becomes an active threat/they become aggressive, where I take evasive action.
Bless DP, when he saw my scrunch my hand into a fist and mutter 'can I kill them?' he did rely 'if you like', but I didn't, I just kept walking with their vocal enjoyment of my glutes ringing in my ears. I didn't need that. Not today. Not ever, really, but had they actually followed me down the street today, as happens all too frequently, I have the feeling that I really might have swung for them. And enjoyed it.
I'm sick of this. I've had it for over 30 years. Filth and scum like those get to live and laugh and make women feel vulnerable (or in my case, borderline psychopathic) whilst good men who wouldn't have dreamed of even having those attitudes in the first place, never mind express them, don't.
They pollute our media with the commodification of female bodies, they make women second guess their body language, their clothes, their appearance, their existence. They objectify children and middleaged women alike. They pollute the minds of boys into repeating the same attitudes.
At this moment in time, I would be completely 'meh' if they ceased to exist. Oh well, the world's a better place without them, bye.
I'm tired of this.