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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to my MIL

50 replies

Mumofyoungteenagers · 30/04/2019 19:39

Give you the background to not drip feed.Just over a year ago I went with my DH to his parents. And they were quite frankly vile.

They told him he was horrible because when came to visit them on Father’s Day (about 2 weeks prior) he didn’t bring a card (despite going up specially and buying a meal) and DH’s DS “got them a card”! (She didn’t visit).

When he tried to explain that he thought a visit was better than a piece of cardboard they only throw away a week later and he only tends to buy cards for people if he can’t get to see them on the day, they got really nasty and started accusing him of not caring and being cheap by not buying a card. I didn’t say anything because a) I hate rows b) he perfectly capable of defending himself and c) I didn’t think it was my place to say anything.

We had visited my father earlier in the day and had lunch with him before going to theirs and taking them out for tea. Both sets of parents live in the same area(ish) of UK so we did one meal with each but we’d specifically chosen to go up that day because it was Father’s Day.

Then they turned on me! Basically accusing me of only wanting to see my Dad, and I bet he got a a card (he didn’t - but he did get a gift but only because it was his birthday too!) I said that we’d decided to go to both parents on the same day because they’re both fathers (you know it was father’s day!?) and it was expensive for us to travel twice on separate days to the same area. Then they started on about how I was all about the money!

They do always offer us petrol money when we go up but we don’t ask, they offer and DH usually accepts because they get arsey when he doesn’t and tbh it does help. It’s a long way.

DH got up and said I’m used to you insulting me but I won’t have you insulting my wife and he basically walked out with me in tow with his father hurling abuse about never coming back. I cried pretty much all the way home as it was so out of the blue and I didn’t know what I had done. And his dad was really nasty.

Anyway we decided that from then on DH would only ever go back if there was an emergency, and would only ever send a card ( and flowers) for birthday wishes etc. I said I never wanted to go again and he agreed that he would never make me.

About a week later it was my birthday and they sent me a cheque, which I returned as I was still hurt at the comments about only wanting their money and I felt if I wasn’t going to be part of their life I shouldn’t accept the cheque either!?

A few weeks after that with his DS mediating he started to talk to them again and said that he was still really angry at the way I was spoken to and they needed to apologise (they haven’t) and they said they were upset I’d returned the cheque!

So there has been a truce between them and DH, and they have said I’ll be welcome if I visit. But I don’t want to.

Anyway.... fast forward to now..... MIL is ill and DH wants to go visit (he’s been up a couple of times already for funerals and hospital admits etc but I’ve always stayed at home and not gone.) because she’s really very poorly, and because she’s so poorly he wants me to go too to say goodbye. But I don’t want to. I feel it’s hypocritical of me to suddenly go all “oh I’m sorry you’re poorly “ and if she’s that ill surely it will look even more like I’m “after the money” (I’m not, I’ve got enough for my needs.)

I’m also a little cross after promising not to make me go again if I don’t want to, my DH is putting this emotional pressure on me to go.

AIBU? I get why he wants me to go, but I really really don’t want to. But I guess I’ll have to put my suck it up pants on and go but only because I adore my DH and I’ll do it for him. I guess I just want to know if IABU because I’m to close to see it objectively.

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 30/04/2019 20:28

Oh cripes, we crossposted! Sorry! Well done for agreeing to go 🙈

Bearsleuth · 30/04/2019 20:34

Your DH stood up for you. I think you need to support him. Whatever has been said and done, his mother is dying and I think you need to be there for him They do sound absolutely awful, but under the circumstances, I would suck it up for his sake.

Zuma76 · 30/04/2019 20:38

Of course you are going to put your dad before your father in law. He is your dad! It’s up to your husband how he wants to celebrate father day for his dad not you. They were nasty but you have to let go of your negativity towards them. They may be prats but they are your DH parents and he needs you now. So go, acknowledge them sit in the room and wait for the apology. If it doesn’t come just sit quietly for your DH.

cuppycakey · 30/04/2019 20:40

Oh I wouldn't bother.

It's clear she doesn't like you so she won't want to see you anyway.

MissConductUS · 30/04/2019 20:49

“I’m from yorkshire”

I'm from New York, but that doesn't mean I get to be rude to people, especially family.

I'm a nurse, so I've seen a lot of these end of life interactions. It will be easier for your DH if you're there just to support him. You don't have to make nice with her.

1Wildheartsease · 30/04/2019 20:52

Yes - go for him. He'll need support. There are so many difficult feelings waiting for him.

+You are a lovely wife. He is lucky to have you.

IHateUncleJamie · 30/04/2019 20:53

They sound vile. I would go to support your DH though. If you choose to go into the house/hospital and either of your ILs say anything nasty then you can walk straight out and say to your DH that you’ll wait outside for him.

Horrible situation and I do feel for you. I went with my DH to visit his Mum in hospital and if his evil shit of a father came in I just excused myself and said to DH to take as much time as he needed. I went and got coffee. My DH still appreciated me going with him.

Chloemol · 30/04/2019 20:57

I would go this time and spend as little time as possible with them and see how it goes. At the first nasty comment I would be leaving and telling my dh I am never going again, deathbed or not

billybagpuss · 30/04/2019 20:58

I don't think DH would have asked you to go if she wasn't ill, how bad is she, is it terminal? If so she won't be up to seeing you for long and at that point let bygones be bygones and be there for your DH. I get why you don't like them but its very clear how much you adore you DH, your PIL may not relevant to you, but he is and he will need your support during what could be a traumatic time for him.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/04/2019 20:59

I think you've made the decision that will eventually rest the most easily in your conscience, OP. YWNBU to have made the alternative decision, and I no one could have blamed you if you had, but I think you've made the right one. There is the potential for this to go wrong: deathbed reconciliations and romantic goodbye scenes are the stuff of novels, and they rarely play out as envisaged. In this position (I've been in a similar one) you can tell her sincerely that you're sorry she's ill, but without getting into any sort of discussion or apology about either hers or your own past behaviour.

I think your DH deserves that gesture despite its difficulty. He had your back. He didn't put up with that shit from her for one instant, he refused to allow her to be rude to you, and he supported your decision to go NC. A lot of DHs would be loathe to do this and even my own, who I love dearly, has taken the best part of two decades to get his head out of the FOG and see his DM for what she really is.

For that, I'd feel I owed him one.

for you, OP, and your DH. This is never other than a devastating experience.

suziQ10 · 30/04/2019 21:03

Sounds like a terrible situation.

I'd probably also have agreed to go, for DH's sake, but wouldn't be overly friendly with them and wouldn't stay long either.

Hope it goes ok / as well as it can do.

XingMing · 30/04/2019 21:10

It all sounds very fractious and sad, and I wish you well in getting through this very awkward episode with your mental equilibrium intact and not too many principles compromised. I do think you should go visit and play nice, especially if if really is the final farewell.

But on a related vein. I think I'm a reasonable person, I have one son, I had him at 43. I am starting to be really scared that when he marries, his wife will want me washed out of the picture completely. The MN evil MIL trope I read here almost every day is really worrying me. I really cannot deal with the idea that the man's mother is so divisive. He's rather young to be facing this issue, so it's not live but the reality is that I won't be a super helpful childcare offering granny. I shall be 75, and well past toddler wrangling except in emergencies.

This thread, and any of the similar divided family stories, make me queasy. I am scared of the future relationship with any DIL .You all sound so militant.

Fatted · 30/04/2019 21:10

As hard as it is, I think you've made the right decision to go. For your DH's sake.

My mum never really got along with my dad's mum and she refused to go to her funeral. I understand her reasons not to, she thought it was hypocritical. But even now all these years later, I think it was a shitty move of my mum because my dad needed her support and he never had it.

Livelovebehappy · 30/04/2019 21:32

Does your Mil even want you there? If I was your Mil and I hadn’t seen you for months and my ds turned up with you in tow I’d not be happy as it would feel you weren’t there for the right reasons. I’d find out first if she wants to see you; she may not which would then solve your problem.

Yorkshirelady · 30/04/2019 21:41

Don't do it for the in-laws, they sound horrible and completely beneath you. However, I do think you should consider a visit, if only to comfort your other half. Falling out with parents must be a difficult thing (regardless of how vile they are) and it sounds like MIL is on her last legs..Do it for your other half. However I would completely understand if you don't.

Original poster

Mumofyoungteenagers · 30/04/2019 21:49

I will give whatever support my DH needs, I know he’ll back me to the hilt if it all goes south. He’s an amazing man and I’ve agreed to it because I can see how much it means to him and me not feeling terribly happy about going is a small price to pay I guess? I didn’t say for better for worse for nothing when I married him and I know if the boot was on the other foot he’d do it for me. I just hate being nice to people who’ve been nasty to me for no reason but like I say, big girl pants and grin firmly in place.

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 30/04/2019 21:55

Yanbu.

Lovely that you’re going to support your dh. You can easily step away if necessary and if ILS start something then you know that you were right in keeping your distance.

My parents have a toxic relationship but despite that when it came to their parents, they bit the bullet and supported each other when they were ill or at the funeral even though my dad’s family supposedly didn’t like my mum.

YouTheCat · 30/04/2019 22:02

I think staying in a hotel so you have somewhere you can retreat to is a really good idea.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/04/2019 22:24

That is a very wise decision. They really sound vile and it’s really good you’ve decided to be the better person.

tinyme77 · 30/04/2019 22:28

If he wants you to go then you should, for him. You should be trying to make this time easier for him rather than putting yourself first.

CheesePuffTheMagicDragon · 30/04/2019 22:37

XingMing if you have a quick search on that topic, you'll find that there are plenty of mums with the same worry as you - the answers are always the same, if you are nice and reasonable, odds are your relationship will be fine. Obviously we hear so much more about bad relationships than good ones because nobody comes on to mumsnet and says 'AIBU to think my MIL is totally ordinary and actually quite nice?' The same goes for how there are so many threads about abusive/lazy/selfish husbands. There are no threads about the many people who park reasonably and unselfishly, even though we know those people are the vast majority.
Essentially, don't assume that your son is going to marry a 'militant' MIL hater - I'm not even sure they exist. Presumably you've raised your son to value the same personal qualities that you do - be it kindness, honesty, whatever - so presumably he'll pick someone who's at least fairly unobjectionable, if not the daughter you never had I think the trope of evil MILs is lazy, but I don't blame the people with bad MILs for talking about it, mumsnet should be a place where people can talk about their problems. For what it's worth, my mother in law is fab, we have a great relationship and I would like her whether or not I'd married her son! My husband's MIL on the other hand...

julensaor · 30/04/2019 23:04

I think you have made the right decision, if death is looming, you are doing it for him as his support and maybe just maybe she wishes to leave in peace and say sorry to you that the relationship wasn't better (and maybe not!) however, they are his own and just be kind to him.

TowelNumber42 · 30/04/2019 23:10

I hate to say it but are you sure she is genuinely that ill? Faking or exaggerating an illness is a common tactic.

Bestfootforward1 · 01/05/2019 00:05

I wouldnt be guilted into going. Let DH go as the family rep.

Catchingbentcoppers · 01/05/2019 18:57

I think you need to support your husband. He supported you and the circumstances have most definitely changed.

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