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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider not going on this holiday with my DP

24 replies

pocketcucco · 30/04/2019 16:16

I’ve been with my DP for just over 6 months now and it’s going well. Before I met him he and his extended family had already booked a 2 week holiday to Majorca to a villa this upcoming August. It will be DP, his parents, his two sisters, their partners and their children (one of which is 20 and is taking his partner of around a year). There will be about 13 people altogether including myself.

I was invited recently, which is was really excited by, but bow I’m having second thoughts. They are currently checking with their rep whether I can attend too due to capacity limitations on the villa and I’m kind of hoping it’s not possible for me to go.

It’s nothing to do with the relationship or the family. I’ve met them all and they are all lovely people. I just think I’m not feeling up to the holiday as I have a lot going on in my personal life at the moment. I also suffer quite badly with anxiety and OCD which will be difficult to manage on a 2 week holiday as I am very routine focused and do not normally leave home for longer than a week at a time for this reason. I’m sure I could manage but it’s still a worry for me. Also, I am currently going sober after a lot of issues with alcohol mixing badly with my medication and ill health so I’m nervous about any drinking going on while we are away.

My final major worry is the cost. I live on my own and pay everything myself while working 2 jobs. Although I could save enough to cover everything I might struggle with saving enough spending money which I’ve expressed to my partner, and while I don’t mind opting out of outings and just chilling by the pool, I’d feel bad if any of his family thought I didn’t want to participate or tried to pay for me. It’s also going to cost a lot of money (around £1400 with spending) and there are other things I have been saving for that I think I would prefer to spend my money on. These are things that can wait but I’m thinking now that maybe I would be better not going on this holiday and perhaps asking my DP if he would like to save for a holiday just the two of us next year.

I’m just looking for some advice really and whether or not it would be mean of me to opt-out. I’m not really sure what to tell him either as I’ve already said I would go.

OP posts:

furrytoebean · 30/04/2019 16:18

Just say you were dead happy when you were invited so you said yes, but actually in the cold light of day you can’t really afford it at such short notice.

MynameisJune · 30/04/2019 16:21

£1400 for a villa holiday they’ve already booked? How much of that is flights and spending money? Surely you don’t need a separate room as you’ll be in with your DP.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/04/2019 16:21

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind. You have many valid reasons to do so. Tell your partner everything you've said here, let him know how grateful you are for the invitation, but you now realise you can't join them. Be sure to let him know that you hope he has a wonderful time and you'll be thrilled to see him when he gets home.

Original poster

pocketcucco · 30/04/2019 16:24

furrytoebean Thank you :) I think I will chat to him about this as I do feel quite overwhelmed by the expense of it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

pocketcucco · 30/04/2019 16:29

MynameisJune I did say I wanted to pay my way for the villa as I wouldn't expect to have the room for nothing, but it's getting a bit expensive now. They are planning lots of excursions as there are young kids but I'd happily give these a miss but I'm thinking if I do, my partner might feel he has to as well (I'm quite happy for him to go and me to chill at the pool although I understand that might be seen as odd!) and might feel left out.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 30/04/2019 16:33

No, honestly, there is no reason why you can't pull out now. Just say you'd love to be considered another time but that you've realised you just can't afford it now.

Toooldtocareanymore · 30/04/2019 16:38

I agree with what others say just say you were thrilled to be asked but having thought about it ( I assume he knows about ocd) because of your ocd and going dry, or whatever reasons you wish to prioritise, that you think a two week holiday with so many other people in unfamiliar surroundings, just wouldn't work, as a new couple that your first holiday should perhaps be shorter and on your own, so you really hope that you can start saving with him and go away with him some other time, that you are so happy to be asked and hope they all have a really great time, so there is no longer any worry about villa being overfilled ( lets be honest here if it says it sleeps 12 and they are 12 then 13 will be cramped) and will he let his family know or will you,

Drum2018 · 30/04/2019 16:47

Don't go. You'll spend the next few months fretting about it and resenting the fact that you agreed when it's costing you so much. Tell him asap so that the family don't include you in the costs.

octonoughtcake3 · 30/04/2019 16:49

Can you go for a few days or a week?

Connieston · 30/04/2019 16:51

At 6 months in to a relationship the biggest dilemma should be about whether you have a curry or a pizza.

Bow out of this holiday, it's just too much too soon. Nothing wrong in just gracefully saying nope.

AbsentmindedWoman · 30/04/2019 16:55

Can you not nip out for a long weekend? Majorca should have plenty of options for flights on any days?

Two weeks is a long time for a holiday you're not sure about. Even apart from the money, it's a fair whack of annual leave.

TheBulb · 30/04/2019 16:56

Bow out of this holiday, it's just too much too soon. Nothing wrong in just gracefully saying nope.

Absolutely this -- I don't have any of your specific issues, but I wouldn't go on this holiday with a lot of people I hardly know, little privacy and massive expense. And honestly, I wouldn't expect many people would want to go on a giant family holiday like this in the context of a very new relationship.

Jaxhog · 30/04/2019 17:00

Just say you were dead happy when you were invited so you said yes, but actually in the cold light of day you can’t really afford it at such short notice.

This.

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2019 17:07

How can it possibly cost that much, are they renting a castle? ! I wouldn't go, you could get a far more lovely holiday for that kind of money.

Branleuse · 30/04/2019 17:09

tell them that something has come up and youre not going to be able to make it anyway. They wont dig. Youve only been seeing him a few months

JaneEyre07 · 30/04/2019 17:09

And how will your partner feel having to go alone when everyone else is taking a partner?

HollowTalk · 30/04/2019 17:11

That is not the OP's problem, JaneEyre.

ladygracie · 30/04/2019 17:11

Well when it was booked he was planning to go alone so I don’t think that needs to be a consideration does it.

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2019 17:15

How is her partner 'having' to go alone? His whole family will be there!

viques · 30/04/2019 17:20

I would back out of the holiday. It's a family holiday not a mates on the pull shagathon in Magaluf, and as they say absence makes the heart get fonder. You won't enjoy it if you are worrying about cost (which seems excessive btw ) maybe you and your partner can find a holiday cottage in the autumn and enjoy a few days away together without all the stress of two weeks with people you don't know very well.

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/04/2019 17:26

You've only been together 6 months - i wouldn't be going on his family holiday sharing his holiday expenses or skinting myself in order to do it....

EdWinchester · 30/04/2019 17:29

You can't afford it, you're anxious about it and you don't want to drink.

Just say no. The fact you can't afford it is enough.

Original poster

pocketcucco · 30/04/2019 18:27

Thank you so much everyone, I feel much better about not wanting to go. Don’t get me wrong, I feel really good that they invited me and it would be lovely, it just feels a little overwhelming and I think it would be best to opt out this time. Thanks again :)

OP posts:

greenlynx · 30/04/2019 18:34

TBH, I felt overwhelmed just reading about this: family of 13 people with young kids at one villa for 2 weeks... as someone’s else said it’s too much too soon. At this stage they won’t be upset about your refusal as they didn’t count on having you anyway.

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