To be constantly feeling on edge

[babyworriesconstantly]

I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. This last year we have had two other pregnancies, one that was fairly traumatising in that we knew something was wrong with baby's growth but heartbeat was good until 13 weeks when heartbeat stopped. And one that ended at 7 weeks. I also think I had a chemical pregnancy during the year too. I seem to fall pregnant very quickly but just don't have sticky babies. Until this one of course.

At first I was incredibly anxious but after we got to 20 weeks and got the all clear on our scans etc I threw myself into this pregnancy. I have done all of her nursery, bought far too many clothes, started going to Nct classes and have told people openly about baby.

However, I am plagued with worry. I feel a fraud sat at Nct class because I feel like everyone else is going to have a baby and I am not, I don't know how to articulate what I mean by that but I have this gut awful feeling that I am not actually going to have a baby. I feel her wiggle, I feel her bum poking out, I just don't feel like she's going to be born safely and that we will come home as a family. It's silly as I can see logically she is already here in that she exists and I've seen her on scans etc.

She also has a habit of being active for a few days then suddenly being super lazy. For example Sunday very wriggly, Monday not so much and then this morning hardly anything. I thought she was meant to have a pattern by now? I lie awake panicking my placenta has failed and she has died or is dying and I am doing nothing to help her. But then I also don't want to be at the Midwife's every two days panicking.

My bump is also quite big and I think measuring normally but I don't seem to have the same feelings that other mums talk about (baby digging in ribs etc) and so I'm scared she is very small and no one has picked it up? How would they know if she was small and I wasn't just carrying lots of fluid or something?

Basically I am a nervous wreck. I am trying so hard to enjoy all of this, my mum told me the other day about how proud she is that I have put the past behind me and I am looking to the future of this baby. But the reality is I am terrified.

Please tell me someone else felt this way. And thank you if you read this far xx

Anyone?

I think it's normal to be worried, but probably not to this extent. I certainly worried myself into a froth, was convinced that I would never get to hold my baby. I am holding him now! I have always struggled with anxiety though. I find mindfulness exercises quite helpful for staying in the moment and not spiralling. Have you spoken to your partner and midwife about your concerns? Often when I have said things out loud they lose their power a bit.

So sorry for your loss last year and congratulations on this bundle

My first DC was a preemie born at 33 weeks and very lucky to survive.
My second pregnancy was fraught with worry that history would repeat itself. I spent so much time looking out for any sign that something was wrong because I was so sure we were heading down that road.
Luckily my second baby made it to full term (and then some!) but nothing stopped the worry and I honestly spent most of the pregnancy willing time to move faster just to get to the end.

I’m sorry that there’s probably nothing anyone can say to take away the worry until your baby is with you, but after what you’ve been through it is entirely normal. Just try to relax and be kind to yourself when you can. Eat and drink well and pay attention to baby’s movements and try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
You’re doing great

Don't try to push the thoughts away!

Self refer to your local IAPT service, you will be fast tracked to learn some skills to manage worry and anxiety.

It's natural with your history to feel apprehensive. Talk to your midwife/GP about your fears and do what you can to get reassurance - they won't mind - NHS advice is to call your midwife straight way if you think movements have decreased, so do that today if she doesn't start moving again.

Meanwhile tell yourself that at 32 weeks she's already well within the range of births that can be safely delivered, and you've only got to hang on another 5 weeks before she wouldn't even be premature. For what it's worth, neither of mine were wiggly - if I put my hands on my bump and thought about it, I'd be rewarded with eventually with some movement, but it wasn't attention-grabbing if I was concentrating on something else. I wonder if getting large means there's more padding and movements aren't quite so evident?

This is exactly how I felt with my pregnancy even without any previous history so I can only imagine how much harder this would be. I'm now sitting here with my two very healthy babies but the only time I was relaxed during my pregnancy was during the scans and monitoring and I could see/hear their heartbeats. The second they were over I felt anxious again.
I'm not sure what my advice is - it will be OK but take changes/pain seriously?
You've done the hard bit and got to 24 weeks so your little one has a really good chance even if they're born now.

There's lots of things you can try - having a cold drink or something sweet, lying on the sofa for an hour and resting a hand on your stomach to check movements (then if they don't move in that time then go in - but Google this/check leaflet in your pregnancy file as I don't remember the exact details)
Mine were also significantly more wriggly in the evening/night time but the consultant wondered if that's just when I noticed them more as work was really busy during the day, running around like a headless chicken to get everything done before mat leave.

I went in twice for reduced movements and was never made to feel like I was being silly or over anxious (even when the little beasties started doing the can can as the midwife attached the wires).

I really hope it all continues to go well for you xxx

I think it’s normal to have this fear (I certainly did) although maybe not to this level. Given your precious losses it’s understandable.

My DD never had a pattern, she was lazy lazy in the womb, never got woken up at night, I didn’t need to constantly wee, she didn’t touch my ribs etc.
If you are worried about lack of movement then get it checked out, the MW are very helpful. It’s also worth speaking to your MW at appointments to tell her this level of fear you are feeling, I’m sure they have seen it before with new mums.

I have spoken to my partner. He says we have to focus on the fact this baby has the best possible chances and that whatever happens we will get through it together like before but I don't think he really 'gets it'. I haven't spoken to my midwife as tbh she isn't great. I did go in for reduced movements last time and they checked all was well and then basically said maybe she was just lazy?

I am slightly overweight (not huge but not tiny either ha!) so I thought maybe that is why I can't always feel her so much but some days I can feel her rolling around for ages! And see her moving if I pay attention to my tummy. My dh likes to joke that she is already a little diva and just likes to scare us 😊

I know on the balance of odds she will be fine but I am so scared. I think I do need to go get some help if I can't get through this as I can't spend the rest of my child's life panicking. Family / friends already talk about how many more babies we will have etc and I feel horrified at the prospect of going through the last year again. I would love to adopt a baby (not because of my losses I have always wanted to adopt since I began my career many moons ago and work with quite vulnerable children). Dh is sadly not so keen.

Thank you all for your reassurance :-) baby has done some little wiggles in the last hour, I drank a cold orange and that seemed to irritate her 🙈 I've also booked a private scan to check her size as I think that will give me some reassurance.

I guess for now all I can do is keep monitoring and praying and what will be will be. I am going to have a serious think about getting some help though and will maybe speak to my midwife at my next appt. Who knows maybe she will surprise me!