To think divorces shouldn’t be 50/50

[Custardforbreakfast]

It has come to my attention that most of the threads here about divorce/separation always point out that divorces are 50/50 (for starters).

I come from a country where one can choose at the registry if you want shared or split assets. I’ve always thought split is the way to go as honestly whatever you make in your life should be yours and not to share (even in a marriage)

My grandparents were married with shared assets and it’s absolutely broken my family now that the they’ve both passed away. My parents on the other hand married with separate assets and divorced a few years ago, it was the least complicated separation I have seen as there was no fighting over things. It makes my cringe when people on here say you should take everything from your husband or make sure to take your half or even more if you can

AIBU to think that not everything needs to be shared? Even in marriage.

So it seems the law suits SAHPS but not those who have kids and continue to work. Maybe this should be spelled out clearly before the marriage ceremony. It’s a shame that society still to this day sees being marriage as a respectable life achievement and co-habitation as somewhat stigmatised. For me getting married was the worst thing I could do - a licence to be robbed.

Notbeingrobbed, it sucks doesn't it? So unfair. And then people assume that the blighter is keeping you afterwards as if you can't take care of yourself.

Over 50,000 women in the UK each year lose their jobs because of maternity discrimination so for many it is not a choice
This figure was extrapolated from a survey of 2300 women who gave their own version of facts, so don't think it is in anyway reliable!

@Ginnylamb, good on you if you don't, I, like most of my working female friends do. I had maybe a bit less cleaning to do and obviously entertaining, but that's that. Morning routine, meals (had to prepare lunches), washing, homework, paperwork, shopping, bedtime routine, all these things I did evenings and weekends.

swingofthings if children are baby or preschool age then the only parents doing the same amount of childcare as a sahp are ones who work opposite shifts and use no form of childcare at all.

Yet we working parents seem to muddle through doing the domestic stuff without either needing to stay home. Oh, I did have a cleaner before separation but now do it myself! I’m sure all the SAHPs moaning about narcissists who work enjoy spending their other halves money - just as my ex hubby enjoyed wasting my earnings on booze and worse.

Of course it's not the exact same amount, the point is that working parents also do the vast majority of the tasks some sahp claim to do that justify them considering they also do a 'job'.

If that's the case, than most ft parent have a second job.

@drccoconut. Exactly. In fact I am paying him a lot of money to clear off.

I use after school club for my youngest. If one of us was a sahp we wouldn't. That's a far more significant factor when a family have multiple children not yet of school age.

I was a sahm until my youngest was 3 and didn't use any childcare when the children were under 3. I always had at least 1 child with me and 2 or 3 for a lot of that time. I did exactly the same as I had done as childminder when I only had 1 DC, aside from the paperwork.

I am a working parent but it really irritates me when people claim working parents do exactly what sahp do and work - apart from the fact it sounds so sneery, it's physically impossible except for two parents working opposite shifts and using no childcare.

Obviously for parents of much older children it can be true, but not while children need childcare.

Where children are out of the house 7:30am to 6pm and only home to sleep they aren't even making mess at home Monday to Friday, so it really is a completely different thing.

@SoupDragon I know, it made me 'lol' too. Huffing 'Don't @me I'm on the thread!' while bolding me grin

The difference being that bolding part of someone’s user name in a post to make it clear to whom you’re replying is completely different from @ ing a user who is on the thread, which sends an unwanted email to that user every time you @ them.

@Ginnylamb - there are nurseries, childminders, nannies, au pairs and even grandparents who fill in the gaps. In fact as a working parent I have paid a large sum to these over the years - not taken into account by the family courts.

I didn't know that Alien!

When DP and I met/had DS, I was 27/28 and a teacher, earning more than him. DP is seven years my senior and owns and runs his own business and owns his own house. His earning potential far outweighed mine, unless I suddenly fell into s job as a head of an inner London secondary school.

The plan was for me to go back to work after ML and DP look after DS for the most part, as fulltime childcare bills would cripple us financially, as they do lots of others, and his contact time with customers is very seasonal - largely during school holidays. My family is 250 miles away and his parents are pushing 80.

That was the plan.

Turns out, not only did DP really dislike any sort of childcare of his own child that listed longer than a couple of hours during the baby years, he also had a complete and utter breakdown when DS was four months old, meaning he spent an entire winter in bed for 18-23 hours a day, blamed us, kicked us out more than once and led to me extending my ML past six months.

By the end of a year long ML, my mental health was in bits and DP was in no fit state to care for our child. I quit my job and stayed at home until DS was just under two, when I returned to work for 21 hours a week, use childcare two mornings a week and struggle financially.

DP doesn’t want me contributing to his mortgage, won’t let me help him with his business. I pay all the childcare and all the groceries and contribute half towards bills. Guess who has to take holiday from work when DS is ill/DP has overnight work/goes away for weeks for work? My wages are under half what I could be earning, my outgoings match my income and exceed it some months. While I am not earning what DP does, or contributing to his mortgage, my contribution to this family has far outweighed his in everything but monetary value, and to my financial detriment. I’m coming up to three years basically poverty stricken, no pension contributions and severely impacting my career potential, as a direct result of DP.

We aren’t married, but if we were and we split, I don’t know what I’d feel about finances. I’d be destitute. I do feel as though I would deserve some sort of financial contribution from him, as his outgoings haven’t risen due to us being here, they’ve lessened thanks to a contribution to the bills. I, on the other hand, have taken a significant pay cut with huge long term implications and my outgoings have increased from when I was single - higher grocery costs and childcare costs.

NotBeingRobbed yes obviously. I'm simply addressing the "Woh parents do everything that sahp do and work " argument. It's almost never true, because childcare at the very least is outsourced.

My parents employed nannies and my mother actually says "I did XYZ with you/ took you to ABC lessons for years" when she didn't - the nanny did. We did those things, absolutely, and at my parents behest and financial cost doubtless, but why lie - she didn't actually do those things. There's a massive cognitive dissonance involved imo.

The focus here seems to be totally on whether SAHP should receive 50-50 but it is not just relevant to them at all. I work but since I have had children I have not been up to climb the career ladder because I can no longer work 12 hour days or move to a different area of the country at a drop of a hat. DH has done that and that is why he is now paid a lot more than me. In fact it is the only reason as we did the same job before children and I actually was paid more than him. Therefore I think I should get 50% at the very least in the event of a divorce. If things were really fair I should get more than him.

*two years, not three.

DS is due to start nursery school in September and I planned to go back to teaching then. As it stands, though, DP is in the midst of another breakdown and I don’t trust that he could get DS to school five mornings a week when currently he struggles to get him to nursery on the two early mornings that I work. He rarely gets him there before 10am. Nursery school is only for two hours a day from September and I just don’t believe DP could drop him off and pick him up regularly and - importantly - without making it a miserable experience for DS. Maybe when DS goes into reception I can look back into it, but by then it will be three full years out of my chosen career.

TwllBach why do you pay for childcare? That sounds like a terrible deal you have and it a partnershipnd exactly why people say get married before you have children, and why the 50/50 starting point makes sense!

Would you be better off single?

It’s a very basic view.

We earned and worked in the same job for the first few children, jobs that don’t earn parttime. Then we had a disabled child. No before or after school care even in school years, no nursery option. However we tried it ultimately meant someone not working (well or I guess off-loafing the child into the care system?!). Part time options wouldn’t keep us afloat if we both went pt.

That’s not exactly personal choice is it. My life was all rosy and easy prior to a disabled child, but it blew options out the water.

Many families face these issues or have other reasons. Some as similar as a nanny costing more than the earning capacity of one partner.

Im a working parent. I just work in a way that has compromised my earning potential and increased DH earning potential. Its daft to see this as only affecting sahm.

There are plenty of ways to work full time but still 'enable' someone else to take other opportunities.

Stormi having a disabled child that needs full time care isn't a personal choice, what a horrible thing to say.

I am a working parent but it really irritates me when people claim working parents do exactly what sahp do and work
Noone is claiming they do exactly the same, but what they do in addition to what most working parents do outside of their working hours certainly doesn't amount to ft work!

Stormei and grass I agree that's usually more common.

In most couples with children one parent has to have flexibility or shorter hours.

The ideal IMO is that both parents choose family friendly jobs and don't prioritise career over family. Even then one parent is often a bit less flexible than the other, or one works locally and one commutes - both commuting a long way from where the children are during the day is often unfair on the children or unworkable.

There are couples who stay roughly equal and couples where one takes the piss, but mostly one parent takes a bit to their earnings to accommodate a greater share of child related responsibility and there's no way around that without the child/ ten suffering for it.

Ginny I’ve often thought I’d be better off single... except then DS suffers doesn’t he? I’d go back to work full time and while I don’t have a problem with childcare, especially as he’s coming up for three years old anyway, DP would push for 50/50 custody out of spite, and he’s just not the best sole carer out there... which means he’d outsource to his elderly parents who ‘don’t really understand’ DS’ food intolerances.

My best options, all considered, are either to wait till DS is older to split OR insist on getting married, wait a few years and then reap the rewards of the 50/50 system

(I’m joking about the last part!)

Turns out, not only did DP really dislike any sort of childcare of his own child that listed longer than a couple of hours during the baby years, he also had a complete and utter breakdown when DS was four months old, meaning he spent an entire winter in bed for 18-23 hours a day, blamed us, kicked us out more than once and led to me extending my ML past six months
This sounds unbelievably stressful for you, it also sounds as if his ego just couldn't cope with the reality of doing something menial and heavily feminine coded, it was such a threat to his sense of masculine superiority that he collapsed

Swingofthings of course it does if they have small children not in childcare! Or are nanny's and childminders working 50 hours per week not in full time work!

It's almost never true, because childcare at the very least is outsourced
I would never consider looking after my kids equivalent to a job. Cleaning, shopping, washing, paperwork, maybe, but spending quality time with my kids certainly isn't.