To think divorces shouldn’t be 50/50

[Custardforbreakfast]

It has come to my attention that most of the threads here about divorce/separation always point out that divorces are 50/50 (for starters).

I come from a country where one can choose at the registry if you want shared or split assets. I’ve always thought split is the way to go as honestly whatever you make in your life should be yours and not to share (even in a marriage)

My grandparents were married with shared assets and it’s absolutely broken my family now that the they’ve both passed away. My parents on the other hand married with separate assets and divorced a few years ago, it was the least complicated separation I have seen as there was no fighting over things. It makes my cringe when people on here say you should take everything from your husband or make sure to take your half or even more if you can

AIBU to think that not everything needs to be shared? Even in marriage.

'If you earnt less than your husband - before children - then it's safe to assume you would always have earnt less'.

What an old fashioned view.

GPatz

This has nothing to do with greed and my grandmother’s decision has nothing to do with what I’ll get or won’t get. I couldn’t care less but it’s put a strain in our family that everyone feels entitled to everything and given their choice of marriage it’s proving very difficult to split everything as some people want money and others want the assets

@foxmuffin but pre nups are not binding in the same way any other kind of contract is. And 50/50 is a starting point, not a guarantee. If it was cast in stone separated couples would never end up in court, and they do.

I think prenups and postnups should be enforceable, and the 50/50 rule absolute, so that couples could choose when they marry.

@gpatz why old fashioned? The statement applies equally if the sexes are reversed.

My girlfriend is a lawyer and is married to a trader. They are roughly the same age (he is 3 years older). Her starting salary was 45k, he was already on (i would guess) 250k plus bonus when they met.

Even if she remains childless she will never catch up with him unless she becomes a partner at an elite law firm.

Staying childless doesn't mean a woman's earning potential explodes and will overtake the salary of a partner working in a different industry who earns many multiples more.

And if someone has a much bigger salary and doesn’t want to share things then they just don’t sign the legal document saying that they want too.

It’s very simple.

Marriage is essentially a legal agreement that during the period of time that you are married everything is shared. It’s also an agreement that on your death, unless you say otherwise in a will, your estate will go to your spouse (and any other parties do covered by intestate laws).

Custarsforbreakfast

I can't see how the senario of some family members wanting property and others wanting money from the inheritance is a result of the choice of your grandparents marriage. If everything is to be shared equally, then, as with every inheritance, it is worked out between the relevant parties how that is achieved. Why is this breaking the family apart? It's easy to settle.

Your gripe seems to be that had your Grandmothers assets (which you highlight were shared with your grandad, even houses your grandmother bought with her own money) now still must be shared with your Mothers siblings. Had your Grandparents divorced in the manner you highlighted, your Mother would have been likely to gain a greater inheritance than her siblings. Maybe this is what is caused more tension.

Everyone has a choice in life, if you choose to be a SAHP or a working parent, it is fully your decision but I apologise and don’t share the views that it should be 50/50 just because you made a decision you fully accepted to make. I don’t think it gives you the right to be spiteful or wanting to take advantage of the working parent in the event of a separation. I’ve always been a fan of everything being easier when it’s on paper and you get what you made before or after marriage.

Yabvu

Yabvu

Yabvu

GPatz

If my grandparents had been married by separate assets their wills would’ve been able to choose what they wanted each of their children to have, now it’s everyone fighting over everything. Does my mother deserve everything? Certainly not and I would never say this is the case. The case here is the so called relevant parties cannot agree on anything and sadly as one of the siblings is considerably struggling he feels entitled to get more than the others so he will not allow for everyone to get equal portions of the inheritance. This is why it has not been easily settled as you mention.

I don’t have a problem the inheritance is getting shared amongst the other siblings. I am just pointing out how much trouble the 50/50 split caused in this case in particular as it is happening after their deaths.

Dexy

I don't think its 'safe to assume' anything about a person's earning potential.

I have friends who earnt less than their partners when they met them and are now earning more following promotions or new positions (both males and females). I've never assumed that one party of the couple would always achieve a higher salary than the other.

Everyone does have a choice in life.

So when you sign the bit of paper that means you legally share everything then you are making a choice.

Working parents who have a SAH partner have a choice too. If they’re married and they choose to go down that road then they know the position they are both in.

Marriage is a decision you make that has consequences.

If my grandparents had been married by separate assets their wills would’ve been able to choose what they wanted each of their children to have, now it’s everyone fighting over everything

Surely as long as the second one to die had a will then everything would have been clear?

It is certain we all have different points of views and I will not drag this along with trying to get my point across as you’re all free to have your opinions. I will not comment on this thread any longer as I do not mean to turn this into me vs other posters. Everyone enjoy your day!

@lyralalala i don't know much about the origins, legal consequences and symbolism of marriage but it's fair to say in modern times it is not viewed as an institution in which to share assets 50/50 by all people. If it was, financial settlements would never be contested. If a wife fights for >50% would you always tell her "nope, 50/50 is what you get, you shouldn't have married at all"?

If you would, in every and all circumstances, then fair enough that's clearly your solid view but i don't personally agree.

@GPatz fair enough, I suppose it's true that you can't assume - i could stumble on to a chance investment (bitcoin?) and become a millionaire overnight.

But for most people it is a fair assumption that if you earn less in your career then you probably always will. A cleaner will 'never' out earn a doctor. A teacher will never outearn a quants guru. A doctor will never outearn a surgeon.

That's life!

@dexymidnight I’ve said through the that 50:50 is a start point. You know when you marry that is the start point and then other factors will change that.

If people can’t agree themselves then, by being married, you have to accept that the courts will decide.

It’s not always appropriate to be 50:50. Sometimes it is. Each time you make a choice, for example as my DH did when he suggested he take his new job and I give up mine so our DD could be cared for by one of us, he made a choice. He made a choice to work away for periods, he made a choice to take on more responsibility and he made a choice that means I’d likely get more in a divorce. Equally when I sold a property I owned pre marriage and bought a different one in marriage I knew I was making it a marital asset. That was a choice I made.

My point is that you know when you make the legal choice to share your assets that is a choice. If you don’t want to make it then you don’t have too.

The OPs grandparents made a choice, as they were entitled to do.

Then one would assume that a quants guru and surgeon have sacrificed a stellar career for motherhood.

Staying childless doesn't mean a woman's earning potential explodes and will overtake the salary of a partner working in a different industry who earns many multiples more.

Quote fail

'Staying childless doesn't mean a woman's earning potential explodes and will overtake the salary of a partner working in a different industry who earns many multiples more'.

No and I agree with this, but there are many couples who are on similar wages and to assume that one party may continue to earn less in the future is unfair.

@Custardforbreakfast
I believe giving up your career to look after children is a completely personal choice that nobody is forced to make.
Said by someone, who has no idea what it is to be a parent. Not everyone chooses to be a SAHP. There are many reasons why one parent doesn’t work. I am disabled and too ill to work. I suppose I chose that. Ffs.

Your grandmother chose not to divorce despite knowing the implications.

@Gpatz yes but I'm not talking about couples who earn similar. If you both start on 25k but one of you has three maternity leaves yep for sure you're going to stifle your earning potential.

If one of you is out earning the other even before kids I think the fiction that the SAHP deserves to come out of the marriage as if they had started out on an equal financial footing is stupid.

Dexy

'If you earnt less than your husband - before children - then it's safe to assume you would always have earnt less'

I didn't 'assume' you were excluding couple who earnt similar from your original statement. If one partner earns 75k and another earns 69k, I wouldn't assume that the partners with the higher earnings would always earn more than the other. However, if one partner earnt 125k and another 23k then I could see how it would be difficult for one partner to earn a similar amount.

YABU, the value ppl bring to a marriage isn't always measured by a pay cheque. Marriage should be an equal partnership in all things. If you aren't willing to share then don't get married or get a pre-nup.