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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect him to buy a pair of school shoes

23 replies

Rosielee93 · 29/04/2019 20:53

My son's 5 and his dad and i have been apart since he was 1. He pays £45 a week for maintainence but often misses payments because he has 'other commitments'. He doesnt he lives at home with his mum and only has to pay for his car. He works full time and makes an ok wage. Our son has special needs and he walks on his tip toes. Because of this he wears out shoes really easily, scuffing and making holes in them so I'm buying shoes every 6 weeks as i dont want him to look scruffy. I asked his dad yesterday if he could buy him a pair of school shoes he said absolutely no way i already pay child maintenance. Baring in mind he's never paid for any shoes/clothes/school uniform/nursery fees/school trips or anything for that matter! AIBU to ask him to pay for a pair of shoes even though he pays me £45 a week (most of the time)?

OP posts:

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/04/2019 20:57

You are not unreasonable at all, but he is a knob so there will be no reasoning with him.
My ds also 5, his dad pays the bare minimum despite driving a brand new Audi and eating out every night of the week.
Despite this, he is a hero that takes ds to theme parks so how dare I ask for more . We all know good parenting means going to theme parks

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/04/2019 20:58

Try here :
www.clarksoutlet.co.uk

I get ds school shoes for a tenner!!

suziQ10 · 29/04/2019 21:06

YANBU at all.

Original poster

Rosielee93 · 29/04/2019 21:13

@Dontforgetyourbrolly are you sure they're not the same bloke? He bought our son a coat last winter (1 coat in 5 years) and he acted like he just solved world hunger. He was so proud of himself.

He makes out as if im asking him for hundreds. He cant understand why id ask him to buy the shoes. Hes never ever paid for our son financially. Hes awful to deal with i could literally write a whole book on everything thats happened between us. I dont know how much longer i can do it.

OP posts:

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/04/2019 21:39

Probably Rosie lol !
I know how you feel .... I have no words of wisdom except I understand your anger and frustration.

Cherrysoup · 29/04/2019 22:28

Go to CMS and get proper maintenance. It's for your child's benefit.

Original poster

Rosielee93 · 29/04/2019 22:33

I already have. Thats the amount he has to pay. He only used to give me 30 a week before i got cms involved.

OP posts:

lovinglifexo · 29/04/2019 22:35

He doesn’t have to pay anymore

maybe ask if he would split the cost ?

Original poster

Rosielee93 · 29/04/2019 22:37

Dont see why i should split it. All im asking for is one pair of school shoes. Ive paid for literally everything the last 5 years. All of which equally to more than 45 a week.

OP posts:

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 29/04/2019 22:38

YANBU, but he's a real cunt excuse of a father.

StuckInsideAnEcho · 29/04/2019 22:42

Technically anything your son needs should come from the maintenance payments and if there was a court order involved he could ask to see just how you're spending it (I think - I received this information when I was in a similar position).

But I don't think you're being unreasonable at all because in my eyes it's a pair of shoes FFS and I don't know if you get DLA or PIP for your son but I'm well aware it doesn't always cover everything in these situations.

My kids until more recently were going through several pairs of shoes a year, each. People sent me second hand but good condition shoes their kids has outgrown, which was kind but embarrassing, because I had to patch up holes with material and a glue gun.

Have you tried looking for good condition second hand ones on eBay? If you know what Clarks size he is and you look for Clarks ones, you know they'll fit. As for your ex, he sounds like a poor waste of a father if he won't buy shoes once in a while.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2019 22:46

If he's paying the required amount, then he doesn't have to give you any more.

The RP gets landed with the lion's share of costs for raising children.

You say his payments are not consistent, so you need to get it taken from his salary by the CSA.

ChandelierLizzid · 29/04/2019 22:48

I don't think you're being unreasonable necessarily. Generally I think shoes/uniforms should come out of maintainence. But in your case you're having to buy shoes very frequently, for legitimate reasons, is there any way CMS might take this into account?

Davespecifico · 29/04/2019 22:51

Of course your request is reasonable, but you’re on a hiding to nothing because your ex is unreasonable. If he could see how much you were putting into raising your child and appreciated it, he’d give you the money, but he hasn’t got a clue.
Give up, accept he’s useless and teach your child to be a better man than his dad was.

TriciaH87 · 29/04/2019 22:54

Cma would say if his paying maintenance that's his contribution towards all your child's needs. I would suggest contacting the if your not using the m and if you are letting them know if he misses a payment or its 7 days late. They charge 4% to you to collect it from him which is about £1.80 a week but add 20% charge to him meaning he pays an extra £9 to them on top costing him 54 a week if he fails to pay. Loosing £1.80 would mean guaranteeing you get the money. Remind him you have this option if he misses future payments as its in his best interest to pay else it will cost himalot more over a month.

Amberheartkitty · 29/04/2019 22:55

My 8 year old daughter walks on her tip toes. She always has done. Only shoes that don’t split at the sides are ASDA school shoes.
They are around £12. Might be worth a try. I am sorry your ex doesn’t feel the need to contribute other than the bare minimum.

ChandelierLizzid · 29/04/2019 22:56

Having said what I already said, yeah I don't see why he wouldn't just buy his son some shoes himself. If I were your ex in this situation I'd 100% just buy my son some bloody shoes but that's just my feeling.

But in terms of expectations I suppose normally we expect CMS to be all we get for those things.

MyDcAreMarvel · 29/04/2019 23:00

I think if the shoes are due to your ds disability you should probably use dla for that if you have claimed it for him?

Eliza9919 · 29/04/2019 23:00

I saw a woman on a Facebook group earlier say she buys shoes from Asda with their 100 day guarantee and she keeps the receipt and goes and exchanges them on the 99th day. I think she said she hasn't bought a pair other than the first ones for months.

Eliza9919 · 29/04/2019 23:01

(her kid goes through shoes every 6 weeks).

olympicsrock · 29/04/2019 23:09

I have a football mad 7 year old . The Asda school shoes have worn much better than Clark’s

Eliza9919 · 30/04/2019 08:43

If he lives with his mum, what's she like? Could you mention in passing what he's doing and she should might give him a bollocking and shame him in to stepping up.

I know he's an adult but he's not acting like one so treat him like a child.

Original poster

Rosielee93 · 30/04/2019 09:08

Im definetly going to asda now! His first ever pair were asda and tbh they did last slightly longer than our usual next ones.

He does get dla but not as much as he used to. Used to be highest not lowest. Dla does cover it but i just would have thought as his father he wouldn't mind just buying one pair of shoes.

@Eliza9919 his mum is like an older female version of him. Ive tried to talk to her before but she always says the same as him 'we told you it would be like this if you two weren't together'. They all act like we broke up last week not 5 years ago.

OP posts:

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