Friend "accidentally" dated me out of pity.

[foxandthehound]

I have been best friends with him for 5 years (I am female, he is male). We always had a flirtatious friendship but that stopped when I got with my (now ex) partner. I had a child with said partner and split up with him 6 months ago. Dd is now 20 months old.

Since splitting up with ex, friend was a huge help and massive shoulder to cry on. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Soon after we agreed to be friends with benefits with the promise of it evolving into something more (we both weren't ready for a relationship at the time).

Fast forward to very recently, he said he wanted to progress things further and asked me out on a date. We ended the night with him asking me if we could be in a relationship, to which I said yes. Admittedly, it was sooner than expected but he wanted to take things slowly so I agreed.

24 hours later he sends me a text message breaking up with me. I replied asking what the issue was, had I done something wrong etc. He replied saying that I had done nothing wrong, he 'loves me as a best friend' and that he only asked me out because he was worried I was going to be lonely. He had also said he 'accidentally' turned it into a relationship (how on earth you do that, I will forever wonder ).

It has affected me massively. I have been through so much recently, to the point I have been feeling suicidal (he knows this) and he goes and does this. It's made me 10x worse about myself because my own best friend dated me out of pity and not even he could hack it. He wants to continue on as if nothing has happened, and won't even let me speak to him about it to get well deserved answers.

I guess this is more of a wwyd. I don't know how to react? I mean do I continue this friendship with him and accept he made a mistake and move on? Or should I move on from him and remove him from my life? I usually wouldn't stand for this but I have no one else in my life. I only have 4 friends and a limited amount of family I barely get on at the best of times. I think I'm destined to be lonely for the rest of my life.

Go low or no contact for a while. Give yourself a chance to figure out if you still want him in your life as a friend or if there is no going back.

I don't get the impression he meant to hurt you. I'm guessing sleeping together muddied the waters, so to speak.

And you are definitely not destined to be lonely forever. Focus on yourself and child. Forget about men for now.

I'm sorry but this man is a complete knobhead. He takes advantage of a vulnerable friend, gets exactly what he wants gives nothing in return except a massive head fuck and then expects you to forgive him?!

Honestly he sounds like a game playing cunt who knew exactly what he was doing.

You are worth so so much more than that. You have doing nothing wrong. I would cut him off, focus on yourself and your child. Have you seen anyone about your depression? Life seems unforgiving at time but it does get better

OMG, why did he not think of this before??
He took advantage of you while you were in a vulnerable state. He should never have 'gone there', as the saying goes.
Really sorry, OP

Its not you, it’s him!

You can’t be best friends, fwb and in a relationship. It’s nonsense. Knock it on the head completely. He is not a genuine friend.

It sounds calculated, rather than accidental to me.
Obviously, though, you know him better to decide what his intentions were.

Tell him to sod off.

You need people that respect you and care for you in your life. Not mindfuckers.

Stop investing in him. He doesn't deserve you.

Honestly, he didn't date you out of pity. He took advantage of you.

He took advantage of you. You were vulnerable so he saw a fwb opportunity. He's not a friend. He wouldn't have taken advantage if he was.

He sounds calculating.

He wanted the ego boost of knowing that you wanted more than FWB. So he asks for a relationship, gets the confirmation and then backs off, safe in the knowledge that you're more invested than he is.

By saying he felt sorry for you, he's setting you up to do the 'pick me dance' where you are supposed to turn yourself inside out showing him why he shouldn't feel sorry for you and what a catch you are.

Friends don't treat each other like this. I'd block him.

Oh He’s no friend he’s opportunistic,been privy to all your confidences and preyed on you

You can't 'accidentally' date someone so you already know he's talking rubbish and evading responsibility. Definitely cool the friendship. He isn't a friend.

It's just power shit, simple as.

Get shot, you need people like him like a hole in the head.

Unless he is 14 yeas old, there is no excuse for him doing this. Your friendship is likely over and you need to break off contact for now or this will drive you insane.

You are having a hard time and ‘friends’ pulling this type of bollocks is really really teenage and unnecessary. He must be a bit thick to have either used that as an excuse when he realised he had changed his mind or if it’s really what he thought would ‘help’ you. Thick and dramatic either way. Avoid, block, delete, move on.

That doesn't sound like pity to me to be honest. He sounds insecure and commitment phobic.

If it was pity, he would have tried harder to bolster you up before gradually retreating or some other misplaced kindness.

It sounds like he got cold feet and wanted out. Probably because he knew that you are too good for him.

God what an absolute and utter wanker. And to then say he did it out of pity. What an abusive arsehole

I'm telling you now op, whatever this man is, he's not your friend.

Go no contact. He's not right.

Friends with benefits only works if you are both clear it's not going to turn into a relationship. Otherwise its just a shitty relationship.
As others have said, it wasn't pity it was a prick taking advantage of you when you were low and vulnerable.

He used you when you were/are vulnerable, tbh it’s not that far off sexual abuse seeing as you weren’t in the right frame of mind to be making decisions about sex/dating/fwb (you say you were suicidal)
A friend doesn’t do that.

He is now trying to control and mind fuck you as a power trip and ego boost for himself with absolutely no regard for your feelings.

Tbh it sounds very lucky he ended it as had the relationship got further I honestly believe he would have turned out to be at least controlling probably worse.
A kind, decent person would not have played with your emotions when you were so low.

Drop him ASAP and don’t look back, you are worth so much more than his shit.

He took advantage of you. It wasn't pity, nor was it accidental.

Bin him as a friend, or even acquaintance. He's a wanker.

You're not alone OP because you are mother to a beautiful daughter who loves and needs you. My daughter is now 18 and my best friend, but I can tell you that it only seems like yesterday that she was a 22 month old toddler. You just have faith that these hard times will pass and life will get easier. Please do not think suicidal thoughts - you're a good trusting person - too trusting maybe. There's a good guy out there for you and that will happen in time. Just focus on your infant DD and forget and ignore this stupid using man. 💐

OP, he is not worth keeping in touch with, he is a user, let him go because he causes more damage.

It is natural to be lonely after a break up (this one or the previous one), it will will hurt for a while but hang in there, eventually things will get better, but for the time being hold on there and try to surround yourself with people and things that are good for your soul.