To ring him back and say up yours!! More ranty than AIBU

[Fruityb]

So once again my husband is working late - he does this a lot as they’re busy at the moment and he’s quite high up but equally don’t think the other management do it quite as much as he does.

He rings up ten minutes ago to say night to our two year old and to have a quick chat. He speaks to son, who walks off with my phone while husband on loud speaker so have to chase him for it back. Husband then starts telling me about a quote he’s had for a holiday we’re planning next year - Disney - and how it compares with one he’s done. He’s telling me this over a soundtrack of super wings on tv and my son chattering to him as well as shouting and screaming intermittently as I try to take the phone off him. My brain can’t take it all in and I say I’ll talk to him about it later as I can’t get my head round it. Husband gets shitty and says he has to go. Son then spends ten minutes screaming and kicking off because I won’t let him have my phone to talk to daddy as daddy isn’t pissing on it anymore!!!

Husband never, ever, ever, does bedtime without me here. Or extremely rarely as I’m always here. I now have a tired, shouty, grumpy child and feel pretty pissed off at husband because he gets arsy as I can’t understand what he’s saying!!!

Son is now wailing at a pitch that goes right through me, lashed out when I was trying to get my phone and knocked my glasses off (he was timed out for that) and is generally no fun. I am blaming his daddy for being a dick and not saying good night to him. I am now being asked for snacks in between whinges -I cannot fill this child - and my head is now banging. I wanted to go for a run later but don’t think that will happen now.

I am going to make loud noises and disorientate dh when he gets in just to give him a clue as to how he expected me to listen to him while he was talking to me. I cannot understand or listen or hear as I get overloaded when that happens. I’m not in any situation to listen to a bloody long winded holiday quote and I have nothing to compare it to anyway!!!

Rant over - tl;dr my husband is a moron!!

When you're feeling calm you need to have a chat with your DH about bedtimes. Tell him that the latest he can ring is X time because you need time after that to calm your DS down and get him to bed.

Also try and explain that the hour before bedtime is known as "the witching hour" for a reason. That it's the worst time of the day and is also not a good time to get any sense out of you!

As an aside, how come he's had time to research holidays if he's so busy? He'd be better off concentrating solely on work while he's there, coming home a bit earlier and looking for holidays with you in the evening.

You are a dysfunctional family. **

It is OK to work late. It is not OK to judge his business organisation and assume how his colleagues and management function. You don't know that. Your son walking off with phone is not DH fault. DH is stupid to start talking Disney holidays at 18.00 on a Monday night when he is tipping into overtime and you are tipping kids into beds. That is a no-brainer. He should be slaying lazy dragons to win you some quality time. DH needs to understand he is the architect of his own disappointment - before he met you as now. Son can kick off as much as he wants - tough. It's your phone. Why do you want to inflict the same torture on DH as DS has inflicted on you?

Just hand over DS, go for a run and reflect on what you need to do to bring your dysfunctional husband** back into balance before he creates an emotional smorgasbord into which you will all sink. Forever. Like this.

DD's husband had a habit of phoning for a 'nearly the end of the day' chat at about 5.30 or 6. You know, that tea-time, bath-time, bedtime chaotic time
She muted her phone at 5pm and didn't turn it back on until the DC were in bed.

It was an email quote he’d had as we were looking at it over the weekend. He was telling me as an aside when he rang though I wish he’d just wait till he got home when I can properly take it in!

And I know this stuff isn’t his fault but equally I don’t know why he expects me to be able to have a conversation when I have to chase my phone around the room while it’s attached to a sticky two year old who screams at just the wrong pitch when he’s grumpy!!

Ds is in bed completely gruffaloed out and we’ve made friends again. I have a headache still so don’t know if the run will happen. I will be doing park run this weekend however if all else fails!!

I have had a crap day. And I’ve run out of sweetener so my tea tastes a bit flat. Sigh.

Tell him to stop making love to his paperwork and come home to make love to you.

You have my sympathy

DH works away, and for a while would call at 8.30am to say good morning to me and the DC.

Whilst I'm doing the "why haven't you got socks on/ have you brushed your teeth/ where's your reading book/ why have you still not got socks on / no you can't watch tv/ hurry up and finish your breakfast/ no you can't wear one red sock and one blue on/ why didn't you go for a poo ten minutes ago / we should have left five minutes ago" that every parent knows (or should know).

I stopped answering...

I hear you sister. With much older kids, and a likewise MIA overworking DH, I put the kaibosh on the daily wind-up calls. Unless they live it, they just don't get it. It's actually kinder for the kids not to have that interaction, sometimes.

Forget the sweetener, go for the sugar!

Yes, your DH is an idiot.

Go out frequently when he’s home, leave him to deal with bedtime. Plenty of places where you can sit with a coffee or a wine - or have dinner. Loads of people out on their own these days. Or visit a friend etc.

Tell him, very clearly, that unless it’s life and death you do not want to ‘chat’ about anything that needs concentrating on over the phone. It can wait.

Sounds to me like a massive deal over not very much at all

Well I’m pleased you think so Dieu.

It probably is but had you heard the pitch my ds insisted on wailing at for no reason you’d maybe be with me!!

I’ve had a long day and not an easy one with a throbbing headache in the background. I went for two slices of doorstep toast and a big mug o tea with sugar in. He came home and made both!

If your DH wants to be involved in bedtime routine then he needs to come home occasionally. His phone calls wouldn't come at the expense of my sanity and needing to get my child to sleep. Harsh but I'm afraid the phone would go unanswered. Default setting. Haven't got time for that crap any longer.

Don't facilitate it. Maybe he will learn to come back rather than miss out.

Enjoy your toast!