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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Considering ending friendship

16 replies

UnaCorda · 29/04/2019 18:03

I think I have reached the end of the line with a friend whom I've known for about six years, but am not sure whether I'm being unreasonable. I have helped this friend over a considerable period of time in several ways - mainly by listening to her during long, long one-sided conversations and by lending her a significant amount of money.

I'm getting sick of listening now, because it's the same old story over and over again and she never takes my advice or shows much interest in my life. She is very intelligent, but this constant going over the same ground for hours at a time is so very, very dull. Plus if I don't fall in with her demands or expectations I find myself being told off like a naughty schoolgirl via email. When I couldn't visit her on a day of her choosing she later uninvited me to an event she was hosting with a very unlikely excuse.

The final straw was that I have recently been raising money for a charity project. This is very important to me as I am both single and childless, and trying to find some purpose. However, despite being very well off and publicly advertising her own philanthropy, she hasn't given me a bean.

I have probably answered my own question, but would appreciate any thoughts. Thank you.

OP posts:
Snog · 29/04/2019 18:06

Tell her your issues and then their is a chance you can strengthen your relationship.

itsbetterwithoutyou · 29/04/2019 18:06

Has she given the money back that you loaned her?

If so end the friendship if not get your money back first.

Re Money to charity, YABU its her money she chooses which charity to give to not you.

MatildaTheCat · 29/04/2019 18:07

The charity issue shouldn’t be a deal breaker as we are all entitled to give to whatever charity we choose- or not. Maybe your cherished cause isn’t hers.

But the rest is just rubbish and it’s hard to see why you’d want to spend five minutes with her.

Move along and find a friend who has mutual interests and shows an interest in you.

FissionChips · 29/04/2019 18:08

Plus if I don't fall in with her demands or expectations I find myself being told off like a naughty schoolgirl via email. When I couldn't visit her on a day of her choosing she later uninvited me to an event she was hosting with a very unlikely excuse

Shock She is no friend of yours.

UnaCorda · 29/04/2019 18:13

Ok, point taken re. charity. I suppose my feeling was that if you a) are very wealthy; b) advertise yourself as a philanthropist and c) have had a lot of help and support from a particular friend, you might consider lobbing a tenner in their direction when they are trying to raise money for a good cause. Several other friends haven't donated but I don't feel the same in those cases. In the case of this "friend" it feels almost pointed.

OP posts:
HarryElephante · 29/04/2019 18:16

Why are you lending her money if she is well off?

UnaCorda · 29/04/2019 18:20

Why are you lending her money if she is well off?

So she could buy her third house without having to take out a mortgage.

OP posts:
EscapeTheCastle · 29/04/2019 18:20

Remove yourself from the friendship nice and slowly with excuses about being busy.
Get any money you have lent back first.

Don't do what I did and hope the problem will solve itself, let all the problems and issues fester, and one day you make your self look like a dick by dramatically flouncing off - when the straw that broke the camels back sneaks upon you and you flip out!

BurnedToast · 29/04/2019 18:20

Life's too short for this shite. Ger rid.

Sofagirl · 29/04/2019 18:23

Wow it sounds like you’re really been taken advantage of

How much did you lend her?

HollowTalk · 29/04/2019 18:24

You loaned her money to buy a third house?

How much did you lend her?

UnaCorda · 29/04/2019 18:31

I lent her five figures. To be fair, we had a formal agreement and she paid me interest. She has recently repaid the full loan.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 18:34

I think be honest. Next time she starts going on point out that you are simy having the same conversation again and she really needs to change something or find peace with it. Tell her that all you do when you get together is talk about these same issues and you don't feel there's any reciprocal care.

See what she says.

TeaForTheWin · 29/04/2019 18:57

Oh dear
*Continually talks about herself and her problems
*Not interested in listening to you
*Chastises you like a child
*Punishes you for you 'misdeeds'
*Advertiser her own philanthropy.

Had a friend who had narcissistic personality disorder once (well, actually twice but the second time I spotted it a hell of a lot quicker) and this sums her up to a tea.

She isn't your friend. Don't just get shot, run, run for the hills! xD

UnaCorda · 30/04/2019 17:27

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I haven't heard from this friend since she wrote last week asking if I had time for a chat (which usually means setting aside most of the evening) so perhaps the "friendship" will just fizzle out.

OP posts:
Snog · 30/04/2019 19:08

Sounds like you've already decided you've had enough and are looking for permission from mumsnet to end it!

You don't need anyone's permission, if it doesn't make you happy to spend time with your friend just don't.

Alternatively be honest with her about how you feel and what your issues are and see what she says - you may be surprised as there are always two sides that everything.

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