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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Has anyone deferred starting primary school in the UK?

110 replies

Foreverexhausted · 29/04/2019 17:43

I have a Summer born child who really isn't ready to start school in September. We attend activities and classes etc but she struggled to settle in to nursery to the point we were advised to remove her as it was making her physically ill. I really do think the extra year will make a difference, emotionally she just isn't ready.

Has anyone else deferred and are you glad you did or do you regret it and why?

Thanks.

OP posts:
SecondGentleman · 30/04/2021 10:59

All summer borns have the same opportunity.

The circumstances of the parents have no bearing on a child's opportunities? Really?

Parents who decide their child isn’t ready for school at just turned 4 should be allowed to make the decision to defer without having to factor in how it may affect other summer born children who parents chose not to defer them.

It's a pretty sad reflection on society that the right to act how you want regardless of the impact on others is sacrosanct.

FWIW, my August born child is privileged in basically every way other than his date of birth. When the time comes for him to start school, I'll do whatever is necessary to support him - cut down on working hours, get him extra phonics classes etc - but I will not do things that actively increase the disadvantage some of his classmates will be facing. That's quite a line to cross.

Piglet89 · 30/04/2021 11:12

Our son will be 2 in August and we will definitely defer him because I predict he will not be mature enough to start school just turned 4. He’ll benefit from having that extra year.

ThornAmongstRoses · 30/04/2021 11:15

FWIW, my August born child is privileged in basically every way other than his date of birth. When the time comes for him to start school, I'll do whatever is necessary to support him - cut down on working hours, get him extra phonics classes etc - but I will not do things that actively increase the disadvantage some of his classmates will be facing. That's quite a line to cross

Oh the irony....

Do you think all other parents of summer borns can afford to reduce their hours? Or
pay for extra tuition?

You using your lifestyle/income flexibility enable your summer born to have abilities above the other summer born children whose parents can’t afford to make the same choices you would, makes you exactly the same as the women you are criticising.

SecondGentleman · 30/04/2021 11:32

@ThornAmongstRoses

FWIW, my August born child is privileged in basically every way other than his date of birth. When the time comes for him to start school, I'll do whatever is necessary to support him - cut down on working hours, get him extra phonics classes etc - but I will not do things that actively increase the disadvantage some of his classmates will be facing. That's quite a line to cross

Oh the irony....

Do you think all other parents of summer borns can afford to reduce their hours? Or
pay for extra tuition?

You using your lifestyle/income flexibility enable your summer born to have abilities above the other summer born children whose parents can’t afford to make the same choices you would, makes you exactly the same as the women you are criticising.

You've missed the point entirely. Me cutting down on working hours benefits my son without a detrimental impact on other children. Me delaying my son a year might also benefit him but would also simultaneously materially change the learning environment of disadvantaged children (by changing their classroom from a 12 month age spread to a 17 month one, with the disadvantaged children more likely to be at the younger end).
Babyboomtastic · 30/04/2021 11:41

The reason that the youngest children are disadvantaged is because if the huge gulf in age between them and the oldest, even without deferral. Deferral just makes it worse -16m rather than 12m.

The teacher needs to cater their work for all pupils, and whilst ability varies, a huge factor for them academically in the first few years is age. Putting older children in the class will cause a detriment to most children.

ThornAmongstRoses · 30/04/2021 12:20

The reason that the youngest children are disadvantaged is because if the huge gulf in age between them and the oldest, even without deferral. Deferral just makes it worse -16m rather than 12m.

The reason the youngest children are disadvantaged is because some of them are just not socially or emotionally ready to start school and start formal education when they enter Year 1 at just turned five years old.

It isn’t about the gulf of difference of ages across the classroom, just simply that starting school at just turned 4 is detrimental.

Research shows that statistically summer born child fare worse in their education throughout the entirety of it, they are far likelier to be in the lower achieving groups, they are more likely to be diagnosed with behavioural difficulties and SEN and they are more likely to suffer from mental health problems through their teens.

People seem to think parents make this decision on whether they are ‘ready for reception’ or not, but it is so much more of a bigger picture than that - it’s thinking about the child’s education right through until they’re are 16+ and parents being aware of how disadvantaged they can be all the way up until that point and even further.

Deciding to defer a child is actually a really difficult decision to make for a lot of reasons because although in your heart you know it’s the best decision, something in your head is trying to convince you that it isn’t. Never mind all the negative opinions people like to give you when they learn what you’re doing. It really isn’t a decision that is taken lightly.

I first started speaking to school last November about wanting to defer my son (who would be due to start this August) and I was absolutely fraught for months and months as to whether it was the right thing to do.

I still had to apply for a 2021 place as you still have to go through the correct procedures and when I had an email last week to say my son had been allocated a place at my chosen school for this year it took me about 4 days to email them and decline the place because it’s such an inner battle, not knowing whether it’s the right decision to make or not. It’s quite a burden on my shoulders really.

It’s a total gamble as to whether it will pay off or not, parents just have to make what they think is the right decision.

Even if my son would have been going into a cohort full of summer borns I would still defer him for the same reasons I am now.

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with him being the eldest in the year, it’s simply about not wanting him to he disadvantaged throughout his education by starting at just turned 4 years old.

I’m part of a FB group for deferring school starts for summer born children and some of the battles the mothers go to in order to get an agreement from schools is beyond description. It can be a draining battle that goes on for months and months and months and these mothers wouldn’t be putting themselves through it unless they passionately believed starting school at 4 was not right for their child. It’s not a battle I think many would take on if it was purely just about them not wanting their child to be the youngest in the year.

The group has been a bit frantic over the last week, lots of mothers having wobbles about their decisions as they have to decline their child’s 2021 start because it really is a difficult decision to make, one full of stress, anxiety and doubt and I think for a lot of mothers who choose to defer, they will continue to have those feelings are various points during their child’s education.

Like I said, it’s a very difficult process for most mothers and a decision that is very emotionally challenging to make, but that’s how strongly some mothers feel about the issue.

I was very fortunate that both schools I approached for fully supportive because they acknowledge how disadvantaged some summer born children can be.

My life would certainly be a lot easier if I sent my son to school this year but I know in my heart that it would be the wrong decision.

Jimdandy · 30/04/2021 12:35

My boy is a September child so one of the oldest. But had he have been born in August I would have definitely deferred him. That 11 months to mature has definitely helped him.

Babyboomtastic · 30/04/2021 13:38

@ThornAmongstRoses

Surely the answer then is that we need to campaign for everyone to start school at 5. At the moment it's turning into a 2 tier system. If deferring is such a battle, then how many parents have the time, the resources and frankly, the intelligence to navigate that system. Add on the extra costs that delaying incurs then it's not about which summer born kids are ready, it's about which parents are able to fight for it/want to fight for it.

Perhaps everyone should start a year later.

And I'm a summer born. My husband is a summer born. My children are summer born. I'd be very happy for an extra year for them before school, and would support any move to change the school starting age, but I'm unwilling to make that at the expense of others who are unable to make that decision, whose children will struggle far more than mine.

ThornAmongstRoses · 30/04/2021 14:03

Surely the answer then is that we need to campaign for everyone to start school at 5.

I 100% agree.

Unfortunately I don’t think it will happen for some time though and until then, individual parents just have to make the difficult choices that come with their child being in a very unfair position Sad

Packingsoapandwater · 30/04/2021 14:38

We have this issue, but from the opposite end. DD turns four in the first week of September and all her friends from preschool will be going to primary school as they are all older.

She would be left the eldest child in her preschool by quite a way at a time when it is really obvious (the majority of the children will be two and three, and a lot still in nappies), and I don't think it is a particularly viable situation for her to be so much older.

Luckily, we have found a school that will take her into its nursery provision with a view to popping her in reception at Easter if she is ready. We've had to pay for that flexibility though, and it's a stretch for us.

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