Mother and Mother in law hate each other!

[Shootingstar1115]

Myself and Oh been together 7 years, I have DS with my ex - but my Oh treats him as his own and we have DD.

My mother and his mother have never actually fallen out so I’m not sure where their problems lie. I tend not too ask. But they’ve only met a few times (briefly and they both live locally ish).

I really do think they are both somewhat alike in their ways (they probably wouldn’t agree themselves), both a bit competitive so there is rivlarly going on.

DS is closer to DM as we lived there when I had him and I was a young mum so she helped out sometimes.

DD is closer to mil. But they both love their grandmothers dearly and I just wish they’d get on.

They won’t be in the same room. They won’t come to the house if each other is here.

My mother is not everyone’s cup of tea. She’s a lovely lady but she’s very loud, very bubbly, outspoken and confident but she tries to get on with everybody. Mil is more reserved but she can be quite bitchy behind people’s backs. Both are hard work in their own ways.

It really makes things difficult on birthdays, Christmas etc. Trying to arrange our DC’s special days around grown women who can’t just get along. Where we are in the middle trying to keep things sane!

Drives me mad!

They also get jealous if we spend time with the other which is hard work. We don’t favour one over the over at all.

Neither my mother or mil babysit the children so that’s equal 🤣

But I just dread my kids birthdays as I gotta arrange our time around everyone bloody else!

No. You don't have to. Just have one event. Invite them both and let them get on with it. They are grown women who should put up with each other for your kids sake. If they really can't be together then it's up to them to invite you to theirs.

Stop pandering to them. Take a step back. You can't make them like each other, but you can stop facilitating the madness.

But you don’t HAVE to. Throw a birthday party for your child. Tell them both. They can be adults and turn up and enjoy the event or stay away and sulk. Their choice.

Dont dread joint occasions like birthdays- these are grown women. Always invite both and whoever comes comes and whoever cant behave= leaves!

To be honest, if they don't get along you are asking for trouble if you force the issue. I know it's a lot of work diplomatically shuttling between the two sides, but it's better than all-out war, which is 100% likely to break out if you force them together. Everyone is local, so it's much easier to organise separate visits than cases where you have families hundreds of miles apart.

To make life easier for yourself, try to be clear about boundaries giving people plenty of advance notice: 'I'm arranging DS's birthday.
We're free between 10 and 12 on Saturday 25th if you'd like to come over". If they mess you around, don't bend over backwards to be accommodating - try your best, within limits, but draw the line somewhere. Make it clear that jealousy is childish and ill-founded and that you won't tolerate it. And make sure you have family time without either of them!

I get on fine with the other Mother and Father, the trouble is they appear not to like my OH. I dont know why and have no wish to stir so dont ask. OH does notice though. I guess why would you like a random stranger that becomes part of the mix. To be honest my OH can be hard work.

Stop coddling them.

It’s not like you are dealing with an abusive ex spouse. These are just two people who happen not to like one another. Tell them to get over it or start some sort of unofficial rotation where Grandma 1 bows out of even numbered birthdays and grandma 2 bows out of odd. Or they could start doing the common thing of divorced couples, one arrives early and leaves mid party. The other just happens to be running late and arrives soon after.

I'm in a similar situation OP, but luckily, while DM and DMIL live with in a stones throw of each other, we live in another country. So it's holidays with one one year and holidays with the other the other year, and I shut down any conversations about the other the minute they start talking. Can't say it's not a pain in the ass though.

My mil and my DM are the same. I’ve been with DH for 25 years now so have accepted this is how it will always be. My mil was a cow before we got married but that was years ago and we’ve rubbed along just fine for a long time now. My mum has never got past this I don’t think. My dc are older now so we don’t have family birthday parties any more, but when we did my Mum would disappear like a puff of smoke as soon as the ILs turned up. We just cracked on without her and ignore the silliness.

we aren’t actually having a party. We are going out for some food with my family (mil would be welcome to come to but wasn’t keen) and when she asked we said to come over after school or when we are home this evening but she wants to come over at the exact time we are going out for food because she is busy...and acting all weird because we are going out with my family.

We went out with her last week so it really isn’t the case of spending more time with one or the other. We actually haven’t managed to do anything with my parents for a while due to their work etc.

MIL is being a dick. She can join in or miss out. No rearranging to suit her (controlling!) whims.

I know the situation well.
It's insecurity and competitive favourite grandmother syndrome.
I'd organise party and invite both. Ignore any childish behaviors from them so long as it's not affecting DC.
Over the years I've learnt to sit back and leave them to it. I think I've been de-sensitized now as I can sit back and enjoy watching the sly glances and odd bitchy comment said under the breath.
I really couldn't comment on whether I'd ever say anything to encourage this silly rivalry

Sorry. Just read last post.

I agree with the first four posters - stop enabling them. If there has been no major bust up then the two women need to grow up. As the others have said, invite them both to birthday parties, events and don't get involved with the She is/she isn't coming.' Tell them you don't have time to pander to pettiness. Its perfectly acceptable for you and your Partner to see your mothers without the other one, just don't tell the other one and no plastering photos on social media. When one of them starts gossiping about the other - shut it down. Say 'I'm about taking about her with you and I've said the same to you'. Send a clear message you are not interested in this pointless one upmanship.

Your OH needs to speak to his mum

You need to speak to yours

You both tell them that the way they are behaving is making your life difficult and they need to stop before they upste you, their child, to the point if you not asking them to join you on any family occasion.

If/when they try to protest tell them that is the kind of childishness you ar referring to, it needs to stop! Repeat as needed.

Or, the quieter way, just stop talking to them abotu anything you do with the other one. Never mention them, never invite tytem to the same occasion. Should they ever ask tell them plainly, you have been doing this for years to save yourself the embarrassment of having to explain your own mother's poor behaviour!

So are you having a bday celebration for one of kids with your family & MIL is invited?

They both sound like hard work, but might she often feel like an afterthought?

Completely stop pandering to them. You are enabling this behaviour. If you're having a family event, birthday party, Xmas dinner, just invite them both and if one or both declines then sod them, it's their own problem. I wouldn't give it another thought.

In this situation I would treat them like children, because that’s how they’re acting. Invite both, if one or other genuinely can’t make that time or doesn’t want to, offer an alternative. Then they have a choice of two dates/times. Don’t overthink it and let either of them call the shots by being “busy” on every other time - that’s the choice and they take it or leave it.

If MIL chooses to leave it then don’t enable any attempts at moaning/jealousy/guilt tripping. Simply keep repeating “Yes, it’s a shame you are busy, never mind, there will be a next time.”

Also - if this is a problem - do not let either of them bitch and moan to you about the other one. “I’m not comfortable having this conversation, DM/MIL” and change the subject.

Just keep thinking of them as 6 year-olds (limit the options) and treat them accordingly when they kick up a fuss.

It's not your problem if they don't get on, they need to sort it out or learn to co-exist. You cant have 2 birthdays, 2 Christmas's etc. I also wouldn't be changing things or re-arranging, they need to get used to it. I wouldn’t feed into it

I had this with my nans growing up and tbh it makes for a miserable atmosphere - it used to stress my mum out so much, took any joy out of seeing either set of grandparents.

I'd be honest and say it's causing you a lot of stress to manage, which inevitably impacts the children. Going forward they'll both be invited to the one event you do and they can decide whether or not to join. For Christmases, can you do alternate years? We're forced into that by distance, but does actually work quite well.

Good luck - it's not on you to solve it (mine fight over the great grandchildren now!), but hopefully you can remove some of the stress out of your life.

we have a similar setup. MIL is lovely but my DM is jealous of her bond with the children and is a nightmare. Things like walking over and taking my DC off MIL if she tries to hold them. Keeping them near her and not putting them down, then throwing strops if they run off to MIL. Its awful. My DM just has a face like thunder whenever MIL is around.

I have spent years doing 2 parties on seperate days. Its very sad. One family has the saturday and the other the sunday. We couldnt do time shifts as I always felt rude saying "you have to leave by 1pm" to MIL. I could have said it to my DM but I know she would have made life difficult by staying a few hours over her time and causing me stress and being nasty to MIL anyway.

Also she never actually "does" anything that I can pinpoint. And if I said "MIL wants to hold the baby" she would throw a massive strop and leave as "oh if MIL wants her then I must put her down. god forbid I have a cuddle with her". its exhausting.

When my DSister had children I realised it wasnt just MIL - shes like that with DSisters MIL. She even counts the hours they spend with DS's MIL and tallies them against her own. She then has a go at DS and refuses to participate in anything. "why dont you ask MIL instead".

Its still like this 12 years on. Recently my DF passed away and she has now taken to trying to be extra friendly to try and get in on MILs events as well as her own. "Why dont you just do one birthday party for DC this year? must be so exhausting and i dont understand wju you do 2 . does MIL want to come over on our saturday birthday celebration? shes welcome to". ummmm no because then you would come to her sunday one.

Yanbu but tey not to make their problems your drama. One event, they are invited and get on or miss out. If you are doing something else then just say so - they dont need to know what you are doing. I struggled with this for ages in my first marriage and it got me nowhere!