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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel completely lost and overwhelmee

23 replies

Mummylovesbags · 29/04/2019 13:05

Don’t know what to do.

Am about to turn 35 and have one little boy who is almost 3 in July.

Married since 2014 to my longtime boyfriend and friend.

We have been through enormous struggles together as a couple including my Late Father’s suicide, my sisters mental illness (my DH helped me care for her during her many hospital stays etc and is very low functioning and has no family). Also through ten year legal battle with my step mother who is 8 years older than me but wanted my share of my Dad’s will. If this sounds like the Jeremy Kyle show then that’s because it is.
We have had a tough time and DH has been my rock as I have no family members besides my mother who is a fairly intense character and as quite emotionally abusive to me when I was little. DH has been through a lot in his 20’s to support me.

DH has been anxious since birth of our toddler in 2016 who is gorgeous and amazing but not great sleeper. He works in professional job and earn sleep good money but has flexible hours. He stays up late at night cope and have free time on own and recharge. He needs to have alone time and I get this. He also goes to the gym each evening for 2 hours. He wakes up at 11/12am to start work.

I am stay at home Mum and struggle with this as son almost 3 and I really want to work/go back to study. DH very unsupportive of this as toddler susceptible to ear infections and always unwell in daycare, it makes DH unwell too and he is prone to migraines when has viruses. The thing is that he is right that childcare makes our lives harder in some ways and has a point. I feel stifled though and like there is never compromise.

DH has explosive temper and grabbed my throat the other night. I couldn’t sleep because I was stressed about toddler not sleeping until 11pm. DH tried to confiscate my phone so I would go to sleep. I hid the phone under me and after he eventually found it he screamed “useless cunt” and grabbed my throat momentarily. These incidents are few and far between but I feel trapped in this cycle of outbursts and being kind.

I’m deeply ashamed that I have the intelligent and finances to buy a house but can’t find the strength to leave.

Mostly what is trapping me is how nice DH is to me after he has been mean and how he makes me feel like I’m mean and have caused it. It is so hard to not believe this. It is so scary to imagine life on my own with no support. I worry I can’t raise a child without any of my own family support and with do. I’m scared of how he would react if I bought a house on my own. I’m scared of the guilt I will feel that he will be left renting after all the support he’s given me. I’m also worried about financially supporting myself when I’ve got a flimsy English degree and haven’t built a child friendly career.

Mostly I just know I will have to deal with him because we have a child and he is so good at making me forget and making me feel bad for hi.

I know this post will attract criticism and that’s ok because perhaps I need to hear it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummylovesbags · 29/04/2019 13:07

Should also say that much of the guilt I feel is because I clinged onto him in the early days in twenties. He says in fights that if it weren’t for me he would have owned house etc and made different choices. Says he had a bright future but that he gave that up to help me.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/04/2019 13:15

I cannot emphasis enough how dangerous his behaviour is. Grabbing your throat could kill you.

You won't get criticism. You need help and support. Have you ever contacted Women's Aid? They should be able to help you and advise you.

flirtygirl · 29/04/2019 13:17

You are married so he can fight you for some of the money. If it's inheritance then squirrel it away. You need to leave and divorce before buying a house or your husband can come after the house.

Go get some legal advice.

flirtygirl · 29/04/2019 13:19

Contact women's aid to talk to someone and to plan to leave.

Get copies of all paperwork and start withdrawing the money and keep somewhere safe. Spending money is seen as okay but withdrawing and saving that dame amount of money is not seen as okay. However one way will give you help in the future.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 29/04/2019 13:20

We are all stressed out at ties with life, our families our children, etc but grabbing you by the throat is crossing the line.

There is never an excuse for violence. None of the things he has supported you with or experienced or the anxieties he feels as a parent. None of it.

Really, you ought to leave, before he does it again and doesn’t stop. Because he will do it again, most men who do this once do it again.

SignedUpJust4This · 29/04/2019 13:22

Do you know the number or women who have died by the hands of a partner/husband who had a history of throat grabbing? This is abusive and sick. You need to get help and get out.

barryfromclareisfit · 29/04/2019 13:22

I have been there, pinned to the floor, my husband kneeling on my arms, both his hands around my throat, trying to kill me. My three year old upstairs in bed.

I beg you, get away today. Your child needs you.

user1480880826 · 29/04/2019 13:26

Contact women’s aid, keep a detailed record of his behaviour and get the hell out of there. He is a very dangerous man to be around. You and your child are in danger living under the same roof as him.

SkySmiler · 29/04/2019 14:24

Please get you and your son out of there asap, throat grabbing is the no.1 red flag for violence, you and YOUR SON are in grave danger, PLEASE don't be another tragic statistic

Echobelly · 29/04/2019 14:27

The being nice is immaterial. What's entirely material is explosive temper, throat grabbing and blaming you for his problems and bad choices - the 'being nice' is just to keep you there so he can take things out on you when it suits him. Even if he thinks that's not what it is.

outvoid · 29/04/2019 14:28

I can’t remember the exact stat but quite a large percentage of men who begin with throttling their partner’s in anger go on to kill them.

Your son needs you, don’t even risk this for one second longer. I understand how overwhelming it is but you are strong, capable and can do this. I agree with pp’s, contact Women’s Aid ASAP and listen to their advice.

Original poster

Mummylovesbags · 29/04/2019 15:45

I guess I was hoping for more practical tips, like what would be the best way to avoid falling back into the situation and breaking the cyclE. Especially if you share a son.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummylovesbags · 29/04/2019 15:46

But thank you, appreciate the support and firm warnings, it is the reminder I need.

OP posts:

SkySmiler · 29/04/2019 16:54

There is no way back, what you have written is terrifying.

IDontMindAnythingWillDo · 29/04/2019 16:57

Op a partner grabbing you by the throat increases the risk that they will kill you sevenfold. You really need to get yourself and your son to safety as soon as you reasonably can.

What would you need to help you do that?

HotSpotSpot · 29/04/2019 17:05

Please, please get help. There is no way back from this.

Good luck. 💐💐

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 29/04/2019 17:15

The practical tips would be to pack what you can quickly and leave. And stay away
Everything else will follow but if he kills you what use is any other advice?

Hope you are ok

Cryalot2 · 29/04/2019 17:51

[hugs] you say you want practical advice.
Ring 08088021414. It is the 24 hour domestic and sexual advice helpline. I promise they are kind and experienced.
Your life is In danger .
I know you may love him and see his kind side. You have went through a lot and need kindness and love, not someone grabbing you by the throat .
Abuse is not just physical either , it has many subtle forms.
Please ring the number and stay safe.
You are not stupid or anything but very brave. But you need time away for the safety of both yourself and child. And should he ever come out with the old fav." You made me do it, or it was your fault " neither is true .
Nothing is your fault .
I wish you the very best.

QueenofStella · 29/04/2019 18:27

So I read the first couple of paragraphs and thought ‘her DH sounds pretty decent and supportive’. Then I read the ‘explosive temper and grabbed my throat’ and it scared the fucking bejesus out of me.....

Get out now - pack the essentials, get the little one and go. He is no kind of decent husband.

Don’t become a statistic, don’t minimise it by telling us all of his so-called good points. He is an abuser. You deserve much better.

Much love to you

Alleycat1 · 29/04/2019 18:33

Run!

MitziK · 29/04/2019 19:03

The way of breaking the cycle is to run. Run before he kills you.

Neverender · 29/04/2019 19:03

You can't break the cycle, only he can. He's responsible for himself.

I called the police because DH was shoving and threatening me. We have had a social worker and he has been made to face up to what he's done and has had to take steps to reassure them (and me) that he can cope.

We are about to have our file closed and social services won't have to see us any more. Today my social worker asked when we are planning another baby - that's how far we have come. BUT this wouldn't be my situation now if I hadn't had the balls to phone the police in the first place.

Neverender · 29/04/2019 19:04

Calling the police and involving social services was my way off saying, "You can leave, but you cannot hurt me or threaten me. That's illegal and unacceptable."

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