To wonder why I keep ending up in these situations?

[CloudsCloudsClouds]

I’m feeling very down today. I seem to keep ending up in situations where people use me as some kind of punchbag and I don’t know why. My head is spinning.

I’ve been putting myself back together after leaving an abusive relationship and have had lots of therapy over the last year. I thought I would take a break from work (I’m self-employed) and have a month working abroad, similar to an au pair role.

Everything was fine, or so I thought, until my host suddenly told me I wasn’t doing enough, should be doing more, was very rude to me and accused me of taking advantage of her. It was an unpaid role.

I tried to go above and beyond to help my host. I also spent hundreds of pounds on flights and put my life on hold, though this was my choice of course. The accommodation wasn’t very good and the food was terrible. I was constantly hungry and cold. I also discovered my host smoked a lot of pot.

It seems to be a pattern in my life. My parents were violent and abusive towards me. I’ve been in two violent and abusive relationships. I worked for a small business and was dismissed a few days after disclosing a mental health diagnosis. I was suddenly accused of theft by the owner (untrue) and being incompetent, despite being very successful in the role and receiving lots of praise until the point I was dismissed.

Is it me? Am I the one being unreasonable? Have I been lazy? Do I just make people angry? I can’t work out if I attract this sort of behaviour or if I cause it.

Do you have close friends around you?

Can you recall moments of achievement and other good things that have happened to you?

I think you sound very vulnerable and other people are picking up on this and exploiting you in horrid ways. Do you have any kind of support network?

It sounds like you need more therapy to understand why you seem to put yourself repeatedly into these situations.

I don't understand why you class an unpaid job as "working abroad"? If you're not being paid, you're volunteering; it's not a job.

It's probably not that you put yourself in these situations, it's more that you're probably missing out on the red flags that other people would pick up on sooner. And get themselves out of a situation sooner.

It was an unpaid role.

This was your mistake. You didn’t value your work or time so the host certainly wasn’t going to. You set your value at zero when you applied for unpaid work. You told that person you were worth nothing and they treated you accordingly. You need to set your own value higher. People will treat you how you tell them to.

I feel like this sometimes. I have a bit in common with you background wise, and someone said to me once it's because I always want to please people. I avoid confrontation like the plague and just let things go that I shouldn't. In short, my behaviour leads people to think they'll get away with treating me badly because I don't stop it happening.
Not everyone does, but I think if they have that type of personality, they try it with everyone.
As pp said, do you have anyone around you who doesn't treat you that way? It helps to see perspective when you've been treated badly again. Please don't beat yourself up, could Councilling be an option for you? It helped me. As did 'conflict' training for my job.
I hope things improve for you OP.

Ask yourself why you looked for an unpaid role. Do you feel you weren’t worth being paid any wage?

Agree with therapy. And some work on assertiveness.

You seems to have got yourself into a cycle. Low self esteem and vulnerability attracts a certain type of person who know exactly how to manipulate people.

Do you have any close friends around you who you can discuss these things with? I think you need to work on your self esteem, maybe take up some sort of self defence class (I’m not sure my reasoning behind this but my thinking is if you get physically stronger your mental health will follow)

It was an unpaid role.

This was your mistake. You didn’t value your work or time so the host certainly wasn’t going to. You set your value at zero when you applied for unpaid work. You told that person you were worth nothing and they treated you accordingly. You need to set your own value higher. People will treat you how you tell them to.

^^ A thousand times this!!! @ILoveMaxiBondi is spot on. You need to value yourself.

It sounds as though you could benefit from more therapy.

As a PP said, other people would pick up on theres flags sooner: you were cold, hungry, unpaid, in a household where the 'host' was 'very rude' to you and smoked pot. I'm sorry to be blunt, but most people would have left straight away and moved elsewhere. You stayed, went above and beyond to help this ungrateful horrid person, spent £££ of your own money on flights, put your life on hold for what was essentially an unpaid skivvy role...There's a lot of food for thought there.

I think sometimes, people who have been victimised in the past are quick to blame themselves and will put up with things which someone with higher self esteen doesn't put up with. Only a nasty person would expect an au pair to work unpaid, pay for their flights, not feed them or keep them warm properly. Someone who values themself highly might not put up with that. I am not blaming you or saying you should have realised because often nasty people do these things slowly and sneakily and manipulate you into thinking it's normal. But I am saying that you do not need to put up with this situation or stay being their au pair if they're not treating you well.

"I wasn’t doing enough, should be doing more, was very rude to me and accused me of taking advantage of her. It was an unpaid role."

• PROJECTION. They accuse you of what THEY are doing. The host was exploitative and manipulative.

Keep working on learning self protection OP, when you have been crushed by abuse it is hard to value yourself and set boundaries.

It really isn't personal, its about signalling to exploitative people how open you are to abuse! Here was the signal you gave out: "[unpaid role] You told that person you were worth nothing and they treated you accordingly." Because THEY are indecent, not because you are bad. Do you get this? Decent people don't treat other people badly. Only manipulative people do.

That is all changeable OP when you slowly find your power and what a wonderful valuable person you are. Just keep on learning, set little boundaries to practise for the big ones.

There will always be predators and manipulators out there. It is no use worrying about that. But when you set boundaries and protect yourself? They move on to easier people, which is what predators from lions to paedophiles (targeting single mothers etc) to abusers to criminals always do.

If you can't afford therapy, the 12 steps programme for codependents, al anon or codependents anonymous is a wonderful FREE group therapy blue print to learn to put the focus OFF the abusive people; and on to you and what you can control, which is your changing behaviour.

I'd agree I'm afraid. It seems that when you make bad choices, which we all do, that you stay in it, where others would leave immediately.

So if you were cold and hungry and living with a druggie abroad, you should have left immediately. The first time a partner is clearly abusive you walk. You shouldn't have waited to be dismissed at work, when it turned sour fairly immediately, and you say you were fired within days, you should have left.

I think the question you have to ask of yourself and resolve, is why you stay in these situations. Why you're unable to recognise issues before becoming involved, or as soon as it becomes apparent.

"dismissed a few days after disclosing a mental health diagnosis." - don't give away your trust and power.

Be very careful who you allow into your intimate space. People do not need to know your inner world.

It is fine to have 'circles' of intimacy - close friends, less close friends, wider acquaintances, hobby friends, sports friends, business colleagues. That doesn't make you fake.

You were very brave to go to live abroad in the first place. What a shame it didn't work out. Next time, remember you deserve respect and are entitled to be paid for your hard work. People who respect themselves, get it from others.

I think you need to stop doing things for other people and start doing things purely for yourself.
Going abroad is often a good idea, but why not try something voluntary that is officially organised through one of the large aid charities?

Agree with pps. It's not your fault Clouds but unfortunately the damage done early on by your parents to your self esteem, to your sense of worth, can cause you to make poor choices when it comes to relationships, friends and even jobs.

It becomes this vicious circle where you kind of place yourself in circumstances where you won't be valued because you don't really feel like you deserve to be . Unsurprisingly that then causes you to feel even worse about yourself.

It's very hard to change the habits of a lifetime when so many of your experiences have taught you that you don't matter but until you start valuing yourself nothing will change. Continue with counseling if you can, read books that will help you address your self esteem issues and take control and really, practice valuing yourself. That's not easy when you're not used to it but be kind to yourself, tell yourself that you're a good/intelligent/funny person who deserves to be treated with respect and with kindness. You have to believe that in order to have any hope of putting healthy boundaries in place.

We all have control of what we do and need to take responsibility for our actions. I come from similar background and trying to work on this too. Saying no to people and valuing yourself. Not choosing to travel miles and spend all the money on someone you don't even know to try and help them. Choose to turn to yourself and help you for a change. Rather than trying to make others happy. It can feel strange but with time you will get there.

Maybe think of it as a learning experience and how not to do that in future. I had similar experience with a person and it taught me a lesson, too. Some people will just take, take from you and you need to be aware.

So many lovely, kind and helpful responses. Thank you. I can’t read them all properly or respond at the moment as I’m packing to leave this awful place. Unfortunately it really is in the middle of nowhere - not even a shop nearby - so I’m quite stressed about finding my way to the airport.

I’m fortunate to have some very good, close friends who are all messaging me kind words while I get through this last hurdle. I can’t wait to be home.

I’ll post again when I’ve managed to get myself out of here!

Good for you, Clouds! You're doing the right thing taking matters into your own hands and leaving that horrible place. Good luck

Sounds awful OP. I think you need to plan your life on more standard terms. You work? You get paid. You're in a relationship? You feel taken care of.

Whilst I whole-heartedly agree with the 'not giving to receive' ethos and do a lot of voluntary work, it isn't right for you if your boundaries and self worth have been so denuded.

Keep a tally - ask yourself frequently if you are giving more than you receive in any situation. Do not automatically put the other person's situation first. This is not selfish, it is self preservation given your background.

Good luck with your packing, and enjoy your freedom.

Good on you for leaving, OP.

I don't agree that taking a temporary unpaid volunteer role abroad in itself indicates a lack of self-esteem, though -- the OP wanted a break, and a 'working holiday' doing something like WWOOFing is a well-established way of doing something worthwhile and living somewhere for a while with your food and accommodation paid for while working 20-25 hours a week.

I've never WWOOFed, but I once did a month volunteering on a drystone walling project when I wanted a break that was physically exhausting and outdoor in order to take a break from my own life and figure some things out. It was a lovely experience. The OP was simply unlucky with her nasty host.

I don't agree that taking a temporary unpaid volunteer role abroad in itself indicates a lack of self-esteem

In the context of all OPs previous relationships, upbringing and work experiences it is a symptom of the overall problem. OP is emotionally vulnerable. If this was someone who has healthy relationships and good personal boundaries then volunteering or doing an unpaid role for a while is no problem but for someone with OPs history it’s very risky, she needs to have a far better grasp of her assertiveness and self worth before opening herself up to that kind of situation.

She asked me to do things like accompany her to DIY type stores so she could have my advice and my help carrying things. One of the visits took all day as it was some miles away and she had a lot to look at/buy. She told me last night that things like this don’t count as ‘working hours’. To me, this is completely unreasonable and I didn’t know how to respond, apart from to say that I felt her expectations were off the map. I was giving my time freely to do something I didn’t want to do and wasn’t in any way enjoyable for me. It was gruelling in fact. I realised at this point that there was no reasoning with her.

She has constantly asked for my advice on practical things as well as manual help, ‘hold up this, hold up that’ which has all taken up time. Time which I considered to be part of the working hours.

Cooking and cleaning also don’t count apparently as I ‘would be doing that at home anyway’ and I ‘benefited from it’. Before I arrived, we agreed part of my work would be cooking meals. What’s more, I struggled to find a vegetable to cook with that wasn’t mouldy and there was so little food that I was cooking four meals with two meals’ worth of food.

She spoke at me with such conviction, it completely threw me.

She’s an absolute user OP.

Take a look at all her behaviours, her language, her interactions with you and others and store it all away in your head to refer to when you meet new people. Start getting into the habit of looking for signs of users and abusers.

This morning she hasn’t said a word to me. I’m sitting in my room trying to work out how to get a taxi from here to the railway station when I don’t even know the address, it’s so rural. I thought she might at least be civil. I’m no use to her now and have been discarded. It’s so petty.