to want to holiday at same time and place

[Holidaydramas]

Sorry for going anon for this one as probably quite outing. Background is I have 1 DD with ExH who is now remarried with a stepson similar age to DD. I have a DP and we have a much younger DS together. Relations between us are all excellent, we all get on very well.

Last year we started planning a big family holiday for this Easter just gone and as usual, I ran our plans past ExH before we booked anything. Turns out they had also been planning a holiday to the same destination but for 2020 to celebrate a big birthday. He apparently hadn't discussed it with me yet as it was so far away but was clearly not keen on the idea of us taking DD there before them and 'stealing their thunder. ' Anyway even though I did think it was slightly unreasonable seeing as the two holidays would be over 18 months apart, in the interest of maintaining good relations we agreed not to go. I did understand their point that it would take the shine off it being DD's first time and also could see I'd feel the same if the roles were reversed and I'd been planning something with DD that ExH then wanted to do first. He's also never been obstructive before in any of our other plans so felt like it was fair to back down on this one. It was left that we'd have to discuss it again at some point as we'd still want to go and brief mention was made of how this could maybe work with the 2020 plans.

So fast forward to now. Obviously we would still like to do this holiday (and there are good incentives in place for booking it soon). I have suggested to ExH that maybe we could look at going at similar times and splitting the time so that DD spend somes time with both of us out there. But he's completely slammed this saying that he wants me to be understanding and appreciate they are there to celebrate a big occasion and want DD with them for the whole 2 weeks.

I genuinely want honest opinions here on if what I'm asking is unreasonable. DD has never been apart from me for as long as 2 weeks before so that's one issue alone. I also feel that we have shown compromise in not going before them, even though I had been the first to discuss going. So feel there must be a way to compromise so that we both get to go to a place we want and get to spend some time there with DD (even if we don't do 50/50 and the lions share of the time is with them and only 3 or 4 days with us). Or another option could maybe be to overlap by a week so that DD is out there 3 weeks altogether although I already know that they will be planning to do the very last 2 weeks of school hols due to the date of the occassion and therefore the only option would be for her to be with us the week before they arrive so we are then back to the "first time" issue. And yes, we could go another time after them but then it would have to be the following year and we don't really want to wait that long. There's also some benefit to doing it this way in that we have some time out there with only DS so that we can do some things more suited to his age that DD wouldn't be interested in. And we would obviously be willing to pay half of DDs flight costs etc.

Or AIBU to suggest being on holiday at the same place and time as them (there'd be very very little chance of bumping in to them as its a huge place and also our plans would be quite different having a younger DS with us). I don't want to be seen as the nightmare ExW gatecrashing their holiday! Our 100% aim would be they only see us for any handover.

Thanks if you've got this far and looking forward to hearing thoughts. I genuinely want to know if this is fair before deciding what we do next. If anything.

I think you've been lovely (maybe too lovely) trying to find a compromise but I think sharing the Florida trip is a step too far. And given you've already done quite a few firsts (Disney Paris, Lapland etc) with your DD, it would be nice to let your ex have a first with her.

Does your holiday really have to be Disney? If yes, why don't you go to Disney California instead? (Don't go to HK Disney...it's tiny and not worth the flight). If no, the world is your oyster!

Ok I take my original post back, sorry! So you’ve done DLP multiple times and Lapland. I only thought that you should overlap for DIsneyworld because for many families this type of holiday is either impossible or once in a lifetime. I’m now seeing that’s not quite the case and so yes, let him do a big holiday with her. Go again when you littlest one will appreciate it. Your DD will be a bit older but would still love it, and it would be a totally different experience as an older child.

Do Disney the following year.

Do something else this year instead of butting into this. It's no point doing the nice thing of "letting" him have this first, if you're going to encroach anyway.

How old is your DD - I don't think it would take the shine going to Disneyworld twice! Although we went to Disneyland and loved it. Maybe she could do that with you first this year?

It was nice of you not to "trump" it for him last year but YABU sorry.

How old are your children? Are you thinking she won't be interested in 2 years time? If your DS is "much younger" he might benefit from being a little older and better able to enjoy it with his sister.

I don’t think you should of cancelled this year tbh but that was nice of you.

I would 100% not gate crash his holiday. That will make you look like the crazy ex. Let them have there holiday.

It was really nice of you to cancel. Disney is clearly not a once in a lifetime dream given the other holidays your dd has been on. Doesn’t it make sense to wait a couple of years and go when both your children can appreciate it? Tell dd to mark the things she wants to come back to with you.

I would find your own holiday this year elsewhere.

I had a similar situation with my DS dad, he suggested going to disneyworld not knowing that I'd been saving up for it. I said I'd love to see him go there for the first time but I could just take him a few years later and he suggested we went together so we did (ex and his parents and me, DS and DP - different accommodation though obviously, would be slightly strange in the same villa ).
I kind of get whether your ex is coming from but it's not about you or him and who gets to "win" this first disneyworld holiday. I'm sure your child will love having you both there and being able to spend time with both of her parents/families and surely that's the most important thing?

I think you can’t join his holiday and I think you shouldn’t have cancelled your holiday but that’s done now. How about Disneyland In California? The original Disney! The new Shanghai one is meant to be amazing also.

Yabu, why would you even want to bump into your ex on holiday? Dd will be fine on holiday with him for a fortnight, then you can do something for two weeks at a different time

Ps I highly recommend the Disney cruise, much more relaxing

@stucknoue very tempted by this! Which one did you do?

Thanks all for the advice. Lots to think about.

I think you should hold off and go another time. Going at the same time would be weird imo and could spoil things for both of you.

That said, I probably wouldn’t have changed my plans for him in the first place. But since you agreed to that, I think now trying to manoeuvre into being there at the same place and time is really weird. So I think you either stick to your original plan and just tell your ex to suck it up, or go somewhere else for your holiday (maybe the Disney park in California, or something totally different).

I'd let him have the holiday. Your other child is much younger so will benefit more from waiting another year anyway. There are plenty of other holidays you could take them on.

You'll get the benefit of knowing which bits DD liked and her excitement to go back and see her best bits as well as the bonus of them being another year older and able to appreciate it better.

It's only a theme park! I can get wanting both parents there if it was some massive milestone in your child's life but it's not is it? Your ex has too much say on your holidays if you have let him stop you taking your DD and DS to Disney, make your own decisions about where you go and just agree the dates.

As for going at the same time, no. I'd be furious if my ex turned up on the same holiday as me at the same time and he'd be entitled to be furious if I did the same.

I think you shouldn’t have rearranged your plans, or in that conversation you should’ve agreed going at the same time ie he can choose one or the other, not neither. As that’s been and gone now, I’d move on and book a different kind of holiday, if you’ve got Disney budget, then you could go somewhere amazing / someone mentioned safari. I’d do something completely different and then when DS is a bit older, then plan Florida.

YABU to want to share the holiday. He's her father - let him bloody take her on a 2 week holiday! Don't put her in a position where she feels stretched across her parents.
Is this really about Disneyland or is it actually about your anxiety about her going away for a fortnight without you?

I wouldn't risk ruining an amicable relationship by encroaching on his holiday especially since you have already done some big 'firsts' with DD.
Let him have this and do something else. California is lovely but I think I'd steer clear of the whole Disney thing until his trip is over.
If he was generally an arsehole I'd say please yourself and sod him, but since you have a good co-parenting arrangement, in the long run you'd be daft to risk it for a holiday that you can do another time.