To not have an expection married couples have to go to every family function together?

[Jodie571]

My DH Went to see a long lost auntie in the week and I declined to go with him. Never met her, and felt as though it’s probably nice to let them bond together and talk about their experiences and family times without having to politely keep me involved in the conversation.

I love spending time with my family and I have no issue when he doesn’t want to come, to which he has no problem with either. I think it’s nice for me to be able to spend time alone with my family without him getting bored or feeling like I have to entertain him.

But he makes me feel guilty when I decline his family meet ups. When I declined the invitation he said it will seem odd as married couples are usually seen together.

I’m not traditional in this sense, I don’t want to forever have to be at every single event/home visit etc with my DH. I am there 95 percent of the time but sometimes I just want to do things on my own terms and don’t feel like going.

I am a very independent person in every way and perhaps this is why I have this outlook?

Am I being unreasonable to decline occasionally to attend every single thing my husband goes to because we’re not joint at the hip?

Really would like to hear opinions on this one as he’s made me feel quite guilty about it!

Also to add it’s nothing personal, I like them but have seen them three times already in the past 7 days and it’s all getting a bit much!

It's not unusual. DH and I go to family things separately at times. Like today he went to the in laws with the kids on his own. I had family round yesterday and he was off doing his own things.

But this is someone who you've never met before. He was probably hoping to introduce you to each other.

YANBU. As you said, you go along the vast majority of the time. You’ve seen your in laws several times this week. And also your DH doesn’t always join you with your family. Not sure why he is making a big deal. Perhaps because the auntie had never met you? But then you say he always makes a fuss on other occasions? I think he needs to chill.

I think if you didn’t have plans anyway and he wanted you there I would have gone.

I don’t think you should have to do everything together but at the same time it’s nice to do things just to be nice sometimes

Tbf actually I forgot, I have met her one but very briefly at a party.

Glad to know I’m not overreacting thanks

Actually, no, you're not being UR.

If you're there for 95% of it, then that's a good level. You don't have to go for everything.

Does he attend everything you're invited to? He's being hypocritical if he isn't.

I couldn't be with someone who wanted me joined at the hip, I like to make my own decisions too.

@sirzy I agree with you and it’s something I’m working on for sure! I totally see what you mean, sometimes doing things even though you don’t want to do them can be nice. On the day I just didn’t feel sociable. And a lot of the time I go places to be nice and just felt this one time, just this once I’m going to be selfish!

I really hate the idea that ‘married couples’ should do everything together. Why the heck?

Good way to live op. Or your spare time is consumed by keeping everyone but your self happy!!

Speaking as someone just back from the second gathering of in laws this weekend, I heartily agree!

I like spending time with my family with and without my husband. In fact, I even like spending time with my in laws without my husband! It's nice to mix up the dynamic.

But you are part of each other's family now. So it's not 'his family' and 'your family', it's 'our family'. I don't think it should be absolutely a three-line whip on attendance at everything, but I would expect you to both be at events usually, yes.

We do things separate and see each other’s family members without the Others. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

obviously everyone has to figure out what's right for them

but when I had a partner, I didn't want them intruding on my time with mum and also I don't see the whole "one family" thing. Good thing I didn't want to get married I guess.

one problem with partners generally is that they often come with a bunch of other people attached.

It's good and healthy not to be in each others' pockets all the time (unless you BOTH want that). DH sometimes goes to his home country alone, it's good for him to have time there with friends without a wife and child in tow (I speak the language but not fluently so he has to "look after" me). He has also taken DS there for 4 nights alone so I could visit family a 26 hour flight away. We're happy with this, although his more traditional friends/family were a bit at first.

YANBU. It's not a realistic or reasonable expectation at all. DH isn't a young DC; I'm sure that if his family are reasonable people and not the toxic in-laws we hear about he can attend some events with them without having his hand held.

The line of thinking your post alludes to is similar to that of couples who bizarrely declare 'we think ....' - as if there's only the one brain cell between the two of them. A similar outlook inclines some people to punish someone's partner for something the partner has done, when they have absolutely sod-all to do with the situation other than be married to the person concerned. As attitudes go, this is batshit territory and is a mode of thinking about marriage that I've never comprehended and never will. A married partner is still an individual human being, not just one half of a couple.