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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling left out

16 replies

Snackbeforebed · 28/04/2019 16:19

Been dating a guy for 3 yrs. we live separately and get on well. He has his child every other weekend and sometimes weekly. Also attends activities during the week. He works shift nights/days. I’m never invited along to any activities with his child and it makes me feel a bit jealous. I really want to get to know the child as the odd occasions she has been rude to me. I totally get it.

My boyfriend talks about marriage etc but we really are a long way off that. I just want some advice as any free time he does has he tried to squeeze me in after work or before work. It’s a long story but really getting pissed off with all this. I feel bad that I feel jealous which I know I’m being really silly. I guess I feel like he just doesn’t make any exclusive time for me. And by that I mean at least spending the whole day together.

OP posts:

CoffeeConnoisseur · 28/04/2019 16:22

Sounds like he’s happy enough with the way things are but has no plans to progress your relationship onwards from here.

But he keeps the carrot of “marriage” dangling just enough to keep you there.

Are you happy to carry on like this for another 3 years? Have you spoken to him about spending some time with him and his child?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 28/04/2019 16:25

I don't think you're unreasonable although others will come on here to say you are as he's having quality time with his child. After 3 years it's understandable you would want more from him and to be included in things with his child. If there's to be marriage, living together and a future then I think you should be spending time with him and the child together and be getting to know the child more.
You need to have a talk with him about what his reservations are and if he sees a serious future with you.

Original poster

Snackbeforebed · 28/04/2019 17:53

Thank you. I will bring it up with him today. I have mentioned it politely in the past and he made a little effort but then would always ask me to go out with them at the crack of dawn when he knows I will decline. I will also have to think of a plan.
He will see it as an attack against him spending time with his child, it’s really not about that. If the relationship is to grow we really need to be going out altogether.

OP posts:

chuttypicks · 28/04/2019 18:09

If you want to spend time with them, why would you decline early morning activities?

Bringbackthestripes · 28/04/2019 18:45

always ask me to go out with them at the crack of dawn when he knows I will decline

So don’t decline. If that’s the time they go out and do stuff then you will have to get up early to join them otherwise you are asking them to totally rearrange to accommodate you. He probably thinks you can’t be that bothered if you don’t want to make the effort to get up early.

Original poster

Snackbeforebed · 28/04/2019 20:31

I can male that exception on a one off basis but not all the time. I work a very pressurised full time (more than full time hours) job so I think I deserve a lie in on a Saturday morning!

OP posts:

MunchMunch · 28/04/2019 20:40

Are there any theme parks/activities that you could sort of organise, say something like "x at work/friend has just been to Y place and it sounded really good, should we take your dd on Saturday?"

I think you might need to take the lead a bit and show that you want to be included, you don't need to make it into a big deal of being included into his and his dds plans or say that you're never invited etc as he might have got the impression at some point that you'd rather he took his dd out while you enjoyed your day off doing things you want to do.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 28/04/2019 20:44

What do you mean by crack of dawn?

Depending on the age of the child and how early she gets up, asking her to wait until 9am to do something will be hard work if she’s up and raring to go from 5am. Not intended as a criticism but my friend also doesn’t understand why her partner ends up getting up early for his child.

ChoccieEClaire · 28/04/2019 20:47

How old is his child? What is the mum of the child like (from what you have heard?) Do you think its possible that she has stipulated she won't let him see his child if you're around?
I think its reasonable 3 years into a relationship to do some 'family' things together. If you are going to marry him eventually then you need a relationship together.
Have you been on holiday or weekends away with him?
I would be more miffed with being 'fitted' in around his shifts and not getting quality time as a couple.
Good luck and make sure you don't just carry on as things are and hope that they will change, speak up about what you want :)

Bringbackthestripes · 28/04/2019 22:01

I deserve a lie in on a Saturday morning!

He has a child, has invited you along but you don’t want to because you want a lie in. I think marriage will be a long way off then

Greatbigterribleshart · 28/04/2019 22:07

Sounds to me like your lifestyles aren't all that compatible if he gets up early and you are too tired to on the few days you can spend together.

Original poster

Snackbeforebed · 28/04/2019 22:35

Child is 7. I don’t think his ex has anything to do with it but who knows what goes on. We’ve been on a couple long weekends and a family holiday last year. Another planned in July.

I have been there and done that with the waking at crazy hours with my own child who is now 17 so not sure I want to do this all over again. I admit that maybe I should make an effort to do so once in a while.

It doesn’t change the fact that we just do not spend quality time together often enough. Maybe if we did, I wouldn’t feel left out.

OP posts:

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 29/04/2019 08:36

It’s hard when there’s children involved. Does come across as if the child feels like you’re not interested in them, which if you’re not involved in any activities would be a potential reason? Most children also have a wish for their parents to be together despite any actual practical reasons.

Your partner might also view you as an optional extra to his life, rather than an integral part. Especially if his focus is on work / daughter and you very rarely stray into that area. Might be worth trying to give up the odd lie in as you want his time but seemingly aren’t keen on giving up yours?

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 29/04/2019 08:50

TBH if your relationship hasn't moved past the 'seeing each other for a few hours through the week' stage after three years then I'd wonder whether realistically he/you really want it to?

Don't get me wrong, that's fine if both parties are happy with it and I'm sure there are people who are perfectly content with that for their own reasons but if you are (both) looking for more than that then you (both) need to be progressing the relationship.

To me what you describe sounds like the 6-12 month stage so I suppose I'd be questioning how/why it got stuck there. It's possible he's quite happy with how things are right now in which case you have to decide whether that's enough for you.

Bringbackthestripes · 29/04/2019 09:01

done that with the waking at crazy hours with my own child who is now 17 so not sure I want to do this all over again

Fair enough, but by not going out with them when invited you are telling DP that your lie in is more important that his child. Maybe that’s why he isn’t spending quality time with you. He is a father so if you don’t want to do this all over again maybe he isn’t the man for you?

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2019 09:04

I think he's invited you but you decline. I'm not sure it's fair to ask him to change his plans so you can have a lie in.

If you wish to spend time with them, then say yes when he invites you. But saying you'd prefer a lie in does not give the message you're keen.

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