Is she BU to stop providing free B&B to this relative

[AppleCiderVinegar]

Asking for an over-generous friend who often struggles to set boundaries (& consequently gets taken advantage of!)

My friend's relation (not sure exactly but let's say second or third cousin) has been staying with her for a approximately 1 week approximately six times a year for the last 2 years.

The cousin's regular visits are due to a regular work thing local to my friend but a long way from where the cousin lives. If she didn't stay with my friend, she'd have to get a b&b.

My friend hosts beautifully - as she always does for visitors - makes up the room and cleans so the house is spotless before the cousin arrives, provides breakfast and a lovely evening meal. Occasionally (not every visit) the cousin takes my friend out for a meal to say thank you, often she brings flowers or chocolates as a thank you.

When this first started, the cousin mentioned staying in a hotel locally and could they meet for a drink during the work trip. My lovely friend said 'no, don't do that, stay with me instead!' Cousin offered payment and my friend declined.

However the fact that this would be happening 6 times a year and would still be going on 2 years later was not discussed.

My friend lives alone, is a widow and people tend to assume she wants company (but actually she needs quite a bit of her own space).

People also tend to assume she has more money than is actually the case.

My friend is starting to resent this arrangement - the tie of it, the feeling of obligation, the additional expense - she feels taken for granted and resents the feeling that because she inadvertently 'agreed' to this, she now has to keep providing free b&b indefinitely.

To make matters worse, even more distant relatives, hearing from the cousin about my friend's wonderful hospitality, have started asking to book in the odd week here and there 😬

How can I convince my friend she is not BU to say 'sorry, but this doesn't work for me anymore.'

She is very worried about hurting the cousin's feelings and rubbish at confrontation so tends to get into these sorts of situations a lot, while secretly seething about people taking advantage of her.

Thanks!!

Of course she's not unreasonable to stop this arrangement! She's most certainly not tied into indefinately, she just needs to explain that while she was happy to host so far, it's not a long term arrangement. And as for others asking, she needs to nip it in the bud now

The cousin isn’t a mind reader. She’s offered to stay somewhere else, she’s offered money, she often brings gifts.
I think it sounds like your relative is looking for something to give out about.
The cousin probably thinks she wants her to stay and will be offended if she doesn’t as when she said she was staying else where, she was told no!
As for other relatives, just say no.
But from the cousins point of view I’m not sure what she’s doing wrong if she’s tried to do something else

It sounds like the cousin tried very hard to establish this is what your friend wanted - so she probably thinks your friend wants company and so has suggested to family they should also make an effort to spend time with your friend. She sounds too nice to be upset at not being able to stay.

Maybe your friend should simply say that she loves seeing cousin, but next time doesn’t work well for her, thereby breaking the habit and ensuring that each visit then becomes a discussion as to whether cousin can stay, rather than an assumption?

You never know, maybe cousin also wants a break but thinks your friend relies on her regular visits for company!

She has to be honest. Say she was happy to do it as a one off or maybe a few times but now it seems a regular thing and she’d like her own space. Maybe something about how she’s sure the niece/cousin would prefer her own space too.

Then kindly rebuff other advances. I would play up how much extra effort it is for her to host. Now she’s looking forward to relaxing and doing her favourite hobby.

She’s a saint for putting up with it for so long. She absolutely needs to put her foot down. I can’t imagine this kind of imposition on my own home.

She needs a dcat.
It seems that free loading cf self inviters do not like dcat hair!!

I also agree with pp. I don’t think the relative is particularly cheeky. She offered money. She offered to stay in a hotel. Your friend insisted she stay with her.

But it’s fine for her to change her mind. And I think the relative will be fine about it as she’s offered to stay elsewhere before.

The cousin is really silly. She could claim B&B and all meals, where now your friend is paying for all that. Unless the cousin is claiming it??

I don't think the cousin has necessarily done anything wrong but your friend should absolutely stop the arrangement if she doesn't enjoy it. I am a wimp so would probably just be vague and say it wasn't convenient next time cousin asks

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm going to show my friend this thread.

I think pp are right actually that the cousin hasn't necessarily done anything wrong.

I love my friend and feel quite protective of her, but knowing her she's probably convinced the cousin she's doing her a favour staying so often!

Your friend just needs to say "sorry cousin that isn't convenient for me as I'm having some personal stuff, but I can send you some links for local air Bnb and will meet up with you in town for a coffee

She does not have to.elaborate any more than this on what the personal stuff is (in reality it's that she just wants her own space )

And then the time after that if the cousin asks again, it can be sorry not convenient, my friend is having family issues and staying with me.for a few days while I offer support, but I can send you some links.for local air Bnb

Then the time after that it can be sorry it's not convenient, I have plans already made but I can send you some links to local air Bnb

In other words she just needs to make her home unavailable for them.to.stay but be vague about why it is....and then follow up with the links.to.the air bnb

Of course she’s not unreasonable but she needs to speak up.

I spent around 8 months staying with my sister about 8 days a month for work. She would often include me in dinner but no more. I didn’t expect her to host me or be around. I paid her money towards food and bills every trip.

It's quite possible the cousin would rather stay in a hotel and have her own space but feels bad that your friend is lonely!

I'm actually a bit sorry for the guest, who sounds like a nice person who would be upset to find out that her relative now resents her visits. She offered to pay, she offered to stay elsewhere, she brings gifts, buys dinner, and your friend is silently seething rather than just speaking up.

Just a simple message to say , "I'm really sorry but I cannot offer you a room anymore due to personal circumstances. Here is a link to a nice b&b nearby." That's a nice way to end the visits.

I don't think the cousin is taking advantage, BUT if it is making your friend unhappy I would tell her to:

1. not be available (oh sorry I can't do those dates) the next time the cousin asks, breaking the pattern of staying.
2. have a think about how often she'd be happy with them visiting - if that's never it's different to - say - every 3 months etc. talk to the cousin and explain accordingly
3. downgrade the hospitality a bit and spend less time and money on the catering generally
4. turn down the other people unless she wants to see them. And feel no shame in saying, I don't like to have extended house guests but you'd be welcome for 2 nights or whatever

Agree I expect the cousin would be mortified if she knew her staying was such an issue given she asked if your friend wanted money to stay etc. A mice friendly message saying she is unable to host but would love to meet up with her during her next stay and I think all should be fine.

When the cousin next asks about dates, why can't your friend then say no at the time? Just say she is finding it a bit much but would love to meet up for a drink/meal some time. Preferably by email!

I agree with hatemyself think your friend should be giving a range of excuses including “entertaining a man friend”

@Ihatemyselffordoingthis
I hope you don’t!!

Friend sounds like a bit of a martyr to me 💁

Say to your friend that she needs to speak out.Why not ask if she can stay with her cousin sometimes and have a break with her.Also she can say she is tied up with arrangements of her own(invent a friend who needs help for example).Otherwise she will have to come clean ,and explain every 2 months is too much .What about a Spring and Autumn break and go to a hotel the other times!

Most likely she is claiming an allowance. My place has a staying with friends allowance of £50 a night.

I’d just tell her to say she’s got someone else staying the next couple of times, the cousin sounds like a normal person so they’ll probably take the hint and it makes it less awkward for your friend rather than saying I don’t want you to stay any more. You could always be there as the ‘guest’ if her cousin pops in.