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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask mutual friend why I've been ghosted?

23 replies

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 13:16

Or is it a bit teenage girl and awkward?

I've been friends with A for about 10 years. A introduced me to B a few years later. A and B are very good friends. I know I'm not up there but we all see each other/talk together and separately regularly. A few things have happened recently which has made me realise neither see my friendship as important as I do IYSWIM. I've not been excluded as such, just not included or thought about. They are both nice people so wouldn't do it to hurt me.

I've been chatting with A as normal and we're meeting up this week. B has been ignoring my messages. She's seen them but hasn't replied to any since February. Obviously I've reduced the amount I've sent due to her lack of response. My last one last week was "Is everything ok? I've not spoken to you in a while". No reply. I have hearing issues and find the phone difficult so it's either messaging or face to face.

I haven't a clue why I'm being ignored. A will know though. When we meet this week I will ask after B in a general "I haven't spoken to her In a while" way but I don't know if it would be ok to ask her why B is ignoring me. I don't want to make it awkward for A or risk our friendship somehow. Equally though I need to know if I need to make something right or just leave B to it.

I don't make friends easily. In fact A and B are my only local friends really. I never expected to be best buddies or anything like that. I know everyone only has so much space/energy for friends but it still hurt to realise how low down on each of their lists I was.

Yes, it seems I am an overdrsmatic teenage girl. Sigh.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/04/2019 13:19

Of course you're not overdramatic to wonder why on earth someone has ghosted you. She's the teenager, unable to communicate with her friend.

I would ask but be prepared not to be told the truth. In the meantime I'd look out for new friends, because it's clear that A isn't helping things at all.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 28/04/2019 13:20

I'd ask. It can be casual... "I haven't had any response from B for a while, is everything ok with her?" Or similar.

SweetMarmalade · 28/04/2019 13:21

Could you go into what they have done which has made you realise they don’t view your friendship on the same level?

If this was me I would definitely say something to A about B ignoring your messages. You’ve message B asking if all is ok, perhaps A knows, perhaps B has personal issues going on right now?

ambereeree · 28/04/2019 13:21

A could have said something to end the friemdship? Some people get a kick out of causing trouble.

RSAcre · 28/04/2019 13:23

Ask A if she knows why B is ignoring you.

It's bloody rude to simply ghost you, & reasonable for you to want to know why.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/04/2019 13:23

It hurts at any age. I am not sure if you should ask B.
Ask A what happened.
I can't tell from your OP, ghosting is hard work unfair but Ime a last resort.
I unfortunately have ghosted an old friend, she were friends in a group from teens, she is very self aware never stopped talking about herself, would knock morning noon and night you don't sound like her btw.
I hope it gets sorted out, it may be a personality mismatch.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/04/2019 13:25

Oh to add I ghosted due to personal issues but enjoyed the emotional freedom.

Original poster

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 13:33

@SweetMarmalade - It's hard to give examples without being outing but think things like A having a small BBQ and only having room for 5 friends and me not being in that 5.

Or B arranging a day out for the kids and 2 days later realising that she hadn't invited us because she'd forgotten I wasn't at work.

Just daft things that are perfectly reasonable and absolutely not malicious but make you realise you're not in their go to friend list.

FWIW I do know a lot of their other friends to say hi to although I'm not the most outgoing/confident person.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 28/04/2019 13:38

I wouldn't ask A if she knows why B is ignoring you; just mention you haven't had a lot of contact recently, but don't make it a big deal, it may make A feel awkward if she does know, or make her think you might be pushing for her to ask if she doesn't.

AppleCiderVinegar · 28/04/2019 13:45

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

It's painful to be cut out by someone and not know what (if anything) you've done to upset them.

If it was me I'd ask your mutual friend. You're not bad mouthing anyone so it shouldn't be awkward, just asking for information which is reasonable.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/04/2019 13:46

Or B arranging a day out for the kids and 2 days later realising that she hadn't invited us because she'd forgotten I wasn't at work
They both come across as extremely inconsiderate. OP you should blank them.
They don't prioritise you in the group.
I would love to say it to them, but I wouldn't bother.

Dieu · 28/04/2019 13:47

I would totally ask her!
Hope you're ok, OP

outsho · 28/04/2019 13:48

I would just causally mention that you haven’t heard anything from B since February and see what A comes back with. It is rather strange behaviour if you haven’t done anything in particular to offend her.

Margot33 · 28/04/2019 13:55

Just ask A, " if B is okay as you havent heard from them in a long time?" If A says fine the stop the group chats. Withdraw from B as shes not interested in your friendship and focus on A.

Original poster

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 13:57

The thing is though @EmeraldShamrock there is always going to be someone left off a party list if there are only so many places available. It's just that they would be on my list but they don't see me in the same way. A has a very big circle of friends.

As for the day out, B just didn't think. I normally work that day and she is very forgetful any way so just took it for granted. When she realised, she was very apologetic and offered to do something else. It happens. I know I've arranged to do things forgetting that my husband will be off work.

I don't base my life around them, far from it.

I don't have many friends and find it very hard to make them. When I do, it seems to be me that does that chasing eg I would have lunch with and see friend C regularly and we have a laugh and she would book the next date. It wasn't all me doing the pushing. She'd book tables etc. However I realised it was always me who texted first. So I stopped. I would have replied straight away to anything she sent and carried on as normal. As it is we've not spoken since December. So obviously she likes my company but doesn't miss me.

The day out hurt though because my son would have loved it.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 28/04/2019 14:01

I'd ask

User12879923378 · 28/04/2019 14:01

I would probably mention it on the off chance that B has been preoccupied and doesn't realise how long it is since she made contact. But I also wouldn't be contacting B again, personally. I don't mean that in a horrid way, just that there comes a point when you've made it as clear as you can that you'd like to stay in touch and it's sensible to leave the ball in the other person's court.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 28/04/2019 14:01

I agree mention it in passing and see how friend A responds. For all you know she’s blanking A as well.

And I agree that not including you in every social gathering isn’t sinister or rude. It’s not like a Year 1 party where everyone has to be included in everything.

You don’t say how old your DC are - before mine were at school I had no local friends but once they started the friendship network developed for me as well as them. They are all grown up and left home now but I still have the brilliant and supportive circle of friends (and frenemies) I made through them.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 28/04/2019 14:05

Did you express that hurt about the day-out oversight in any way?

EmeraldShamrock · 28/04/2019 14:10

RozyRoz It sucks OP.
I am sorry. Talk to B, A may be just thoughtless and busy if she is very popular.
I hope it gets sorted.

EssentialHummus · 28/04/2019 14:32

I think the day out is a red herring - you normally work on that day, she forgot. But the non-communication I would follow up on.

Original poster

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 17:01

OK so I'll casually mention to A that I've not heard from B in months and ask if she's OK. I won't ask A why B isn't talking to me.

If A doesn't say anything, I think I'll probably send a message in a week or so to A and B suggesting a coffee.

If B doesn't reply to that I think I'll message her with "We've not spoken in ages. I hope I haven't upset you? Would love to catch up?" And then leave it to her. If she doesn't contact me I guess that's my answer.

OP posts:

SweetMarmalade · 28/04/2019 22:15

Tbh I wouldn’t message B again. You’ve asked if everything is ok and nothing. I’d only message A from now on.

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