To think this request takes the absolute biscuit.

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

DSS12
Married to DH 4, together 10. Great relationship with DSS. His DM withholds access when she doesn't get her own way. She is demanding a 2.1% increase on maintenance payments from DH, plus he is to pay an additional 50% of his private school fees (her choice, DH had no right to an input)
Apparently we need to now take into account my earnings and bonuses. This is the same woman who has caused me an infertile whore. (See other thread) The same woman who sent DSS to ours for the weekend with no clothes that fitted him and expected us to kit him out, head to toe. (Which we did) I'm so curious as to what she does with the money DH already gives her, when he seems to shell out hand over fist in addition.
AIBU to think she must be completely nuts and that after the hell, she's put me through she wouldn't have the audacity to ask me for money and genuinely expect to get it?!

Sorry - irked now😬😂 - have re read OP’s post and while she may have meant her husband did not have a say in a decision to send sone to private school, she may have also meant he didn’t have a choice in which school, or he didn’t have a choice in how much fees he would pay.

Feeling a bit oversensitive today clearly, but hate when I am patronisingly corrected (have a crappy new boss who does this all the time🤣🤣🤣). He also uses caps when he wants to be a total dick.

CuriousaboutSamphire
I guess that you are insinuating that I am an embittered ex-wife!! Ha Ha !! Couldn't be further from the truth!!

Also I am not painting the ex as a hapless soul - I am just pointing out that kids cost money and if you love your child - which most people do - you want to do the absolute best for them.

The unilateral decision is neither here nor there if it is best for the child. I cannot imagine saying to my child "you can have the cheapest shoes/clothes/food because legally I only have to provide you with the bare minimum". Feed the kid on bread and water why don't you.

I also, if I love someone, understand that he/she loves their child and so I would want that child to be happy. As parents surely that is what we want for our kids and we are unhappy if we can't provide it. I would therefore expect the OP's DH to want to do everything possible to bring up his son well.

How can you love a man and not want to do the best for his child. That is my logic.

Oh and when my DP's mother was very ill I didngI could for her, including financially, because I loved him and he loved her so making things better for her was something I did for him.

@HowardSpring I don't think anyone would dispute that the OP would probably want to treat her DSS financially from time to time.

But that doesn't mean she should be obligated to as her DH's ex is saying. She isn't and shouldn't be.

Your income is not taken into consideration whatsoever.

I know it complicates things but I would definitely be going to court. That way she can’t withhold contact willy nilly for no reason and your DH will pay a set amount of maintenance each month.

I guess that you are insinuating that I am an embittered ex-wife!! Ha Ha !! No! I wasn't insinuating anything. I was asking why you felt the need to infantilise a woman in order to make some odd point?

I am asking why you want to make the OP responsible for something she had no part in the making of?

I am asking why you are piling on the hyperbole - feed the kid bread and water and insinuating the father pays a bare minimum. OP hasn't said any such thing, how do you know?

How can you love a man and not want to do the best for his child. That is my logic I suppose that as you have dismissed the unilateral decision there is nothing to be said on this

Oh and when my DP's mother was very ill I didngI could for her, including financially, because I loved him and he loved her so making things better for her was something I did for him. Not sure I see any relevance there!

👀🍿

Sorry @weenurse I'm taking the dog out for a walk. Nothing to see here...

I'm the first to say of course there are 2 sides to every story.
DH pays over the CM calculator + additional costs.
DH would never have picked the school DC attends, a. Due to fees. b. It's faith based.
DSS's mum was in a relationship when she picked the school so obviously her income was different then.
I'm not nor am I ever saying I won't/haven't helped. However when last week that woman 'me' isn't to be anywhere near my son and this weeks it's well easy earns good bonuses, she can easily clear the school debt

Sounds like your DH needs to go to a Solicitor and request mediation. She legally cannot refuse to attend - it's mandatory. They need to come to some arrangement with a mediator and then that agreement is set in stone.
It's not for any of us on here to say what your DH should/shouldn't pay. You definitely shouldn't have your income taken into account although I have had CMS tell me that my ex's partner's income would be looked at if they were married as her income is substantially higher than his? Maybe I misheard? I was quite shocked as personally, I don't want a penny of her money!

Definitely get mediation set up. It's mandatory before any court application can be made anyway; and it sounds like that's where they're headed! Good luck

You have a legal problem, but in your mind it's all muddled up with personal stuff. See a lawyer, find out which parts you can do something about and then make a decision.

You need clarity about DH's rights & responsibility in terms of
-payments in general
-payments of school fees

• access and visitation

Do not get bogged down in back and forth insults, withholding money, point scoring etc. it's so bad for the child.

Most people can’t afford private school fees and use state schools. If the child’s parents cannot afford (and 1 doesn’t want them to go anyway) then they need to use state provision like the rest of us!

She can’t decide that because her (ex) partner and you are good earners that her financial problems are all solved and she can make whatever expensive decisions she wants to with you coughing up the dosh. You have to cut your coat according to your cloth etc

Are they going through the CSA or whatever it’s now called?

So are the school fees in arrears?

Not infantalising a woman, (which woman, OP or ex wife?) - nothing I said indicated that.

Just saying that the father should pay for his child - and if you love someone I would guess that you would want to do the best for him and therefore what he loves - ie his child. Not difficult logic.

In the end the child suffers - always. And I would like to see major changes in the law so that children absolutely came first.

Imagine being a child and knowing that your parent only wanted to give you the bare minimum??? For me - incomprehensible.

However as far as this OP goes it is clearly a complex situation and I hope it works out for them.

f you love someone I would guess that you would want to do the best for him
But presumably the OP's dh doesn't think that this expensive faith-based private school is best for him.

Can you clarify he school fees issue? Has the boy always gone to private school? Has your partner always paid half? Does his ex now want him to pay 100%.

Are the school fees in areas because his ex hasn’t been paying her half?

Is your partner opposed to private education or this specific school?

Your income shouldn’t even be taken into consideration.
She sounds like a spiteful, jealous bitch.

Tell her to jog the fuck on.

if you love someone I would guess that you would want to do the best for him

That's a very manipulative comment. I can imagine a bitter ex saying that. OPs husband clearly loves his son, he doesn't have to bow down to every financial demand of his ex-wife. You are insinuating that he should do as the ex says or otherwise he "doesn't love his son".

Imagine being a child and knowing that your parent only wanted to give you the bare minimum??? For me - incomprehensible

Please stop making things up to fit your narrative.

DH pays over the CM calculator + additional costs OPs DH does not give his son 'the bare minimum' you absolutely made that up.

"DSS's mum was in a relationship when she picked the school so obviously her income was different then."
Why was her income different then?

Howard there's a world of difference between private faith school and "the bare minimum" as you put it (without any basis whatsoever for assuming Op or the child's father only want to provide the minimum) .

It's a bit much for the Op to take the abuse she's had from the ex and then be expected to cough up as and when the mother dictates!

This woman is nuts...
That poor child.... I think she needs a sharp lesson in being a mum...
Why not go for 50/50 childcare and get it legal...then. Since you don't have to pay CS . Just pay his school fees yourself. As I think she must earn enough to pay half the fees...

YesimstillwatchingNetflix

You have a legal problem, but in your mind it's all muddled up with personal stuff. See a lawyer, find out which parts you can do something about and then make a decision.

You need clarity about DH's rights & responsibility in terms of
-payments in general
-payments of school fees
- access and visitation

Do not get bogged down in back and forth insults, withholding money, point scoring etc. it's so bad for the child

I agree with this.

There also needs to be a discussion over whether the school is in fact in DSS's best interests, as choice of school should have been discussed between his parents, not just unilaterally decided on by his mother.

And contrary to the implication from HowardSpring, yelling "how high" when the ex says "jump" does not mean the ex's decisions about the child are actually in his interest. OP's DH is paying more than the minimum and clearly loves his son, the ex is the one actually using her son here.

It all needs looking at properly, not just giving in to ex's grab at OP's income.

"Imagine being a child and knowing your parent only wanted to give you the bare minimum"

Who has actually said that, other than the poster who wrote this and is trying their best to paint the op and her husband in a bad light?

We went through a phase of this (also when my husband's ex wife separated from her second husband who was a big earner). Just because the child's mother has picked an expensive school it doesn't mean it's the best route for the child. My dsc ended up going back to a regular school when we couldn't afford to fund the private school (and boy did my husband get some grief over that!) but he still made top grades all the way through. We've paid for plenty of things for my dsc over the years, school trips and holidays shared with his mother, things he's had at our house (ponies, quads, holidays, clothes), it's not like what his mother spends on him is all that gets spent on him. As his stepmum I've spent a lot of my own money on him, but it's never been official. Just because the nrp doesn't always cough up for everything the RP demands doesn't mean they're not doing their best for their child.