To think this was rude

[BonnesVacances]

It's my DGM's birthday today. Yesterday, DSIS was talking about her birthday lunch today. It's the first I'd heard of a lunch but she said as DM thinks I'm going, she'd obviously just forgotten to mention it to me. I said I could go and to let me know what time we're meeting there.

DS phoned this morning and asked if DH was going, but I said he couldn't. I said again to let me know what time to be there. I was expecting it to be 12.30 as that's what time DGM usually has lunch. By 11.45 today I'd heard nothing so texted DM and DS. I got a text from DS at 12.15 saying they're there, so I jumped in the car and got there 15 minutes later.

When I arrived they'd all started eating already and one person had finished. There was an empty chair for me so they were expecting me. I just gave DGM her card, wished her a happy birthday and left.

DS says that DGM had wanted to eat so they joined her as they didn't know what time I was arriving. DH says they're weird. Was it rude to start without me? It's not like I was the guest of honour, but I was supposed to be part of the meal and the celebrations.

Very rude of them. I’m sorry op but it sounds like they didn’t want you there at all. I’d have done the same as you and left. Very nasty of them

Very rude and totally weird.

It's rude. It seems like they didn't want you there.

I'd say it was more thoughtless than rude.

There was clearly a mix up in communication, possibly as they were busy or thought you knew. The main issue then was your grandmother wished to eat and she didn't wish to wait. But I don't know why they didn't call you. If I was my daughter I would have.

I think your husband's right. They are weird. I'm sorry.

That’s nasty.
They didn’t want you there op.
And I’d make sure I asked them about it and I wouldn’t let them squirm out of it either.

Very rude!

Horrid

Any chance that someone is sending you texts that aren’t getting through?

Leaving you a chair and thinking you were coming sounds like they were expecting you!

They were expecting me to turn up and order my food when I got there.

There was a missing text saying they were leaving to go to the restaurant now. But as it was on WhatsApp it would have been possible to see it hadn't been delivered and I hadn't seen it. So the first I knew was when 15 mins later it came through at the same time as the one saying they had arrived. To which I replied Ok see you in a bit.

But no one contacted me before they ordered asking where I was or if they should order something for me, if I was on my way. Just carried on and then claimed they didn't know what was happening.

Families eh?

Hmm...do they often leave you out? Is Dsis the favourite?

Yes but if they didn’t know the texts weren’t getting through it’s understandable that they thought you were minutes away?

I don’t know. It wouldn’t bother me.

It doesn't sound like you were invited. I think they were hoping you wouldn't show up if they left it as late as possible. Very strange.

If they thought I was minutes away, why not wait?

No, she's not the favourite.

They're all saying I overreacted but they don't see that I'd been waiting all morning to find out what time we were meeting and trying to get in contact, then I get a text saying they're there, I turn up and they've started without me.

Even if the first text had got through, I'd been given seconds to get in the car and meet them there. There was no warning, especially if DGM wanted to eat as soon as they got there.

I don't think I was unwelcome. It was just badly organised and communicated. Which is par for the course and probably a source of my lack of tolerance. I mean, how hard is it to organise a lunch?

Sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult but I don’t get it.

You don’t feel like your sister is favoured.

You don’t think they left you out on purpose.

You don’t think and didn’t feel like you weren’t wanted.

So barring a bit of frustration at a time mess-up, what’s the problem?

Yes, I agree, it doesn't sound like they meant to exclude you or to be rude, they were just careless and thoughtless. Tbh, I probably would have passive-aggressively not gone and then said 'Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you'd have invited me if you'd wanted me there.'

My mother has a long-standing habit of thinking she's told me about things that she hasn't and then being cross with me for not turning up to them.

So barring a bit of frustration at a time mess-up, what’s the problem?

It's in the OP. Was it rude for them to start without me?

Maybe they thought it would have been rude to let DGM eat alone on her birthday?

Oh. No, I don’t think so because they thought you knew the time to arrive.

Well yes maybe it was rude to start without you but why on earth did you not just stay and eat any way and why if you were thinking it being 12:30 did you not ring about 11:30. Have people lost the ability to talk ffs.

why if you were thinking it being 12:30 did you not ring about 11:30
This ^^ Or better still, why not just ask beforehand instead of assuming a time and waiting to be told?

"They're all saying I overreacted but they don't see that I'd been waiting all morning to find out what time we were meeting and trying to get in contact"

Did you try to phone any of them to check? If so, and none of them answered any of the calls you made, then you clearly were doing everything you could to get in contact. However, if you simply texted and have no idea if your texts were properly read, then you may well not have made the level of contact that you assumed you had.

Yes, your family could have contacted you, but that's a two way street and I do think you rather over reacted by giving your grandmother her card and leaving.

Yes it was rude for them to start without you, but if it’s a genuine mistake as you said, why storm off and leave? Starting without is hardly the end of the world if they just mixed the timings up. As it goes I am not sure they did intend to invite you op. Too many holes in the story.

Out of interest, how old is your DGM?

Any reason she couldn't wait 10 minutes?

Yes, I had tried phoning both DM and DS several times and there was no answer. When DS had phoned me that morning I asked about the time and she said she didn't know but would let me know later.

So in essence, I'd been trying to find out what was happening, left as soon as I found out they were already there and then arrived 10 mins later to find they'd not waited and were already tucking into their lunch.

DGM is now 89. I don't expect her to sit there hungry, but I did expect someone to contact me and say are you coming or what, as DGM is hungry and wants to start?

So I guess my irritation levels were already high for not knowing what was going on all morning. So when I got there and they were already eating, I thought it was rude.