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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting to destroy him?

18 replies

Senseofself1 · 27/04/2019 13:13

I've namechanged for this. I know we should forgive. I know that walking away and being happy is the best revenge but right now I want to destroy him. I was in a relationship with a guy for a year. He told me that he and his wife had separated. At the beginning of our relationship he quickly told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. He was so charming. However, as time went on he became distant, then he would get close again then he would be distant and then he would be close and so on. They cycle got so predictable that I normalised it.

However, I can see now why he behaved that way. He was always difficult about meeting at weekends but he gave the excuse of looking after the kids which I accepted. Anyway, I found out that he was still married. It turned out that his wife was working away from home during the week. I found out about the wife as someone posted a picture on Instagram of the two of them with the kids and tagged him in it. I then sat outside his house one weekend and my fear was confirmed. She came out of the house!

Anyway, I invested a lot of emotion in this man and I am devastated by the way he has treated me. I'm angry with myself for believing his lies and falling for such a narcissist. He was somewhat emotionally abusive during our relationship too so I lost my self worth. I feel that his wife should know but he has threatened me so that I cannot tell her. I really want him to suffer. What do I do?

OP posts:

TheInebriati · 27/04/2019 13:16

Tell yourself you had a lucky escape,take his threats seriously and stay the fuck away for your own safety. He has a lot to lose if you start kicking off and his response is likely to be nasty.

Next time, leave at the first whiff of emotional abuse. Emotionally abusive men are worried about their public image. They are the ones who are likely to 'snap' and 'go too far'.

GinDaddy · 27/04/2019 13:18

^^ the above post from @TheInebriati is so spot on I have nothing to add expect good luck OP and stay away from him

Goandplay · 27/04/2019 13:21

Threatened you in what way?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/04/2019 13:31

Whilst telling his wife may make him suffer, she and the children are innocent. Do they need to pay too?

Walk away and leave it.

Knittedfairies · 27/04/2019 13:35

You might want to 'destroy' him and make him suffer for the lies and deceit but it won't change anything for you, and will hurt his wife and children far more than him. Chances are you're not his first conquest... Concentrate on getting re-gaining your self-worth.

ginghamtablecloths · 27/04/2019 13:38

Step away from this awful man. I'm sure you deserve better.

Honeyroar · 27/04/2019 13:42

In what way did he threaten you??

I'd 100% want to know if I was the wife.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 27/04/2019 13:45

I feel that his wife should know but he has threatened me so that I cannot tell her.

Nude/compromising pictures is my guess.

I feel that his wife should know and I really want him to suffer - it's the latter, you don't give a shit about his wife, you just, as your OP says want to destroy him

Step away and take a long hard look at the person you have become; get your self worth back and hold your head up

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/04/2019 13:59

If he is threatening you with compromising pictures or the like, report it to the police. If you have genuine reason to believe that he will hurt you, report it to the police. Otherwise congratulate yourself on getting away from him, give yourself a treat (holiday, ice cream, book or whatever fits your mood/budget) and get on with your new and improved life.

Original poster

Senseofself1 · 27/04/2019 14:11

It isn't compromising pictures. He knows something about me which is very sensitive and he has threatened to tell my children.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 27/04/2019 14:14

Then tell the police he is blackmailing you. That will destroy him.

Original poster

Senseofself1 · 27/04/2019 14:16

I feel that his wife should know and I really want him to suffer - it's the latter, you don't give a shit about his wife, you just, as your OP says want to destroy him

It is true that this would make him suffer but I do kind of feel sorry for her too. They have been together 20 years and although I have wasted a year of my life on him, she has wasted 20 on him. Her whole life is based on an untruth. I would want to know if I were in her position.

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 27/04/2019 14:24

Then tell the police he is blackmailing you. That will destroy him

It's not blackmail in the traditional sense (under the Theft Act). At a push, it's emotional abuse, but if you're using that argument then so is threatening to tell someone's wife. They're both the same thing, threatening to out someone's damaging secret.

Let it go OP. Look after yourself and find ways to build yourself up again. That's the best revenge you can take.

MitziK · 27/04/2019 14:24

If you have evidence of his threats, go to the police.

That way she'll find out soon enough. And she'll not just know he was cheating, but that he would threaten somebody to keep his cosy little Instalife intact.

There's very little that would actually be terrible for children to hear - I'm guessing they're grown up anyway, so even a 'You know the guy I was seeing? He's got weird and scary and is threatening to tell you a pack of lies to get back at me' would add enough doubt that, even if he were to contact them/they didn't automatically block him, they wouldn't believe him or would think 'what a prick'.

She might not believe you - but the police coming in to warn him off making threats/blackmail might be the thing that leads her to think 'enough' if she isn't in the 'happy place' of him being nice to her again.

Mummacake · 27/04/2019 14:37

Could be considered as coercive control. I'm sure if you think back, there will be plenty of other examples. If he threatens you again, you can go to police. It's a criminal offence. If I was the wife, I'd want to know too, but you have to put the safety of yourself & your children first.

Original poster

Senseofself1 · 27/04/2019 14:49

I have no evidence of his threat - it was verbal and only said once so not a Police matter.

I think if I tell his wife it would have horrible consequences for me so I'm not going to do it. However, I really do think she ought to know. I'm not going to be the one to tell. Maybe she will find out one day.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 27/04/2019 14:54

I get that you feel she ought to know, I also get that you want to destroy him, both perfectly reasonable things to feel in your situation. But there's too much potential here for you to be damaged further and, after everything he's already put you through I think protecting yourself is more important than anything else. Every bit of your energy needs to be on rebuilding yourself now and every second you spend paying any attention to him takes away from that. Don't let him take anything else from you, enough now

Original poster

Senseofself1 · 27/04/2019 16:30

Hidingtonothing Thank you. I agree. I've felt a bit better reading all this advice. I should just leave him to it. I feel sorry for his wife but she must know he isn't a nice person and it is up to her to deal with him. I can't believe he is lovely to her if he can behave the way he did. He certainly was not lovely to me.

As for him, well, I reckon he is a very unhappy man. I will console myself in that thought. A happy person does not behave the way he does.

OP posts:

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