To ask if anyone else feels like this sometimes?

[piffar]

I've had anxiety and depression since my early teens, come from a highly strung family. So I always feel "on edge" to be honest, I don't really know how to relax so during free time when I'm not working or studying I tend to just sleep as I feel so overwhelmed with the prospect of doing nothing.

The thing that's worrying me alot is that I have very high levels of paranoia. When I go to sleep I have to pull the cover over my head as I'm scared I'll see someone standing over me if I don't. I also get really anxious if there's no blinds in a room when I'm sleeping or there is a small space where you can see through - I have been known to cover these up with sheets, clothes etc., to feel safe.

I also have an impending sense of doom that something awful is going to happen, out of nowhere.

When I am talking to people I am paranoid that they can "see through me" better than I can see myself and that I sometimes am saying things that my brain doesn't compute and I'm saying really awful things without realising.

I also can't sleep without listening to music as I think I am going to hear voices or that someone will say my name and be standing over me.

I don't know where it all came from, but I'm just so scared of life at the min. Can anyone relate?

That sounds really rough, OP. Have you spoken to a GP about it?

I'm on medication for anxiety and depression piffar but apart from the awful sense of impending doom and the feeling that people can see through me,the other symptoms you describe are alien to me. Mental illness manifests itself in different ways though, and you must get yourself to the doctor and tell them exactly what you've told us.There is help out there and you deserve much better than to be living in fear. Good luck

This sounds like an extreme and rather exhausting way to live your life.

I do get the occasional pang of anxiety but not that which you describe. Would you be open to going to discuss this with your GP. And more over counselling to get to the root of why you feel the way you do and more importantly to develop resilience in your interactions with people/society. It can't be fun going about your day wondering if people can see through you. I know what you mean and had a conversation with someone like that a short while ago at work - she then spent the next 2 hours e-mailing me trying to qualify what she'd said as she thought she'd come across as a "loon", whereas I thought nothing of the sort. I was just running something past her.

Op please get some help. You don't have to live with these horrible thoughts 💐

Yes can 100% relate. It's GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) with OCD.

You sound like you have both, like me, do you also suffer panic attacks and the compulsive behaviours?

It's deeply upsetting, I run a home, hold down a full time (and demanding) job and yet some days kill me.

I understand everything you describe, you're not alone.

I had PTSD and GAD, but 3 months of CBT (via NHS) has more or less cured me! No meds, very tolerable anxiety and the doom feelings have gone, now I feel hopeful and energetic.

It does get better

Apart from having a highly strung family, do you think anything else may have triggered it off, even something you think you have forgotten about. The fact you want to do something about it is a good starting point. Some of it is perhaps being overly self conscious (the people seeing through you bit).

I have had psychosis in the past...psychotic depression and it isn of sounds a bit similar...very scared...are you very stressed or going through something very stressful? Not eating...? all these things can make it worse...I'd speak to someone perhaps. Kind thoughts.

Yes being aware is good that is isn't right.

I always thought I had ptsd after a sexual assault when I was younger, but the gp kind of scoffed at the idea popped me on waiting list for counselling and left me to it.

I do feel completely unattached to reality. I feel like I walk around differently think differently. Even when I am having conversations I have recently been saying words that don't match - for example the other day insread of saying "sorry" I said "hello" and sometimes I forget words completely.

I am at university and spend long periods of time alone studying. I do well academically and my grades aren't affected.

I just feel so out of it, like I am watching my life on telly. I'm really scared of developing schizophrenia or something like that

@e1y1

Yes I have panic attacks all the time, particularly when I am falling asleep!

My therapist said I have ocd but my gp said it was the same as anxiety.

I've also had a referal to cmh but the gp refused as she said it wasn't serious enough to warrant this

Sorry to hear this OP. I had some of those thoughts in teen years and early adulthood, I put it down to nutritional deficiency and stress. Also were you exposed to a lot of drama in your childhood?

You might also be a highly sensitive person, understanding the right kind of stimulation / relaxation activities helps.

Definitely advise speaking to your GP - maybe have an MOT on your bloods, see if there is some therapy to help build strategies and resilience.

Look after yourself and do little things to build confidence

Are there any specialist organisations locally for victims of sexual assault? Could you look at joining some clubs, maybe something where it's small groups and you get to talk to each other around a common interest? Have a weekly structure to make sure you get enough interaction while studying too, and find something to do entirely for fun.
You have good insight and awareness which is a protective factor in mental health OP.

your GP doesn't sound very helpful - I'd book an appointment with another GP in your practice.

I'm not experienced in these things, but if your therapist referred you to the cmh team then surely your GP should respect that referral? Can you go back to your therapist to get this sorted.

I have heard that people really need to push to access mental health services on the NHS at present.

This can all be really hard to do / manage on your own - do you have a trusted friend or family member who can help you, or student support services you can access? Maybe even a tutor?

Good luck OP

Have your family been heavily into occult stuff, as that can have a knock on effect more than people realise. People think it's a load of fun but it can cause anxiety and other issues.

They told me psychosis is very stress related and did really help with crisis team and home visits for a while...you know it can be recovered from and managed. the key things for me more than any meds really was sleep and calming things like breathing and looking after myself. If you start feeling more scared and the feelings of watching / hearing voices escalate then maybe you can be referred to the mental health team who will help. and yes the insight is good.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP, it is horrible. I have suffered from bad anxiety and harm ocd, there was a point in my life that I was crippled with intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was so bad I had a lot of your same symptoms.

It truly was awful and I remember thinking that I wished I had a physical illness over it because I felt that I couldn't escape from my own mind, the world became a really scary place for me and I remember feeling like no one understood how I was feeling and I was the only person on the planet to ever go through it. Absolutely terrible time and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm posting because I want you to know that it will get better, I never ever thought I would get through it and feel normal again but I did. I went to the doctor and was put on sertraline, I was on it for 8 months and have been off it for about 2 years now. It helped me tremendously and although I've had a couple of wobbles since I've never luckily gotten back to that point again.

Sertraline might not work for you and I'm not sure if you are on medication or even open to being on medication but please seek help. Please go to you GP and tell them how you're feeling, life doesn't have to be like this for you. You can and will feel better if you seek the help you deserve.

I completely understand your symptoms and sometimes I still get fleeting thoughts but they are manageable now.

What I found that also helps me if I feel I am slipping is cutting down alcohol intake, doing a lot of self care, enjoying the little things in life for instance a good book, a nice cuppa and piece of cake, a long warm shower, cutting down on caffeine, eating more vegetables and healthier in general and following a routine, making sure I get a good night sleep, or at least going to bed at the same time every night.

You could also ask GP to refer you for some counselling if you would be open to that or if you can afford it, you could go private.

Please please please OP, seek the help you deserve and start living without fear.

to you

I am going to the Drs tomorrow...

I'm quite scared and also a little bit hopeless tbh,

I've already had to suspend my examinations in uni this term so feel deflated and lost.

I will update on (if) anything happens.

OP as a previous poster said, it will likely be a form of psychosis rather than something like schizophrenia. I was very much as you described when I was in the depths of an eating disorder supplemented by panic attacks. Try not to worry because you can come out the other side of it. Your GP will definitely be able to help!

This sounds like trauma and dissociation as a result. The part about feeling detached and saying the wrong words sounds like dissociation.

I'm really sorry you had such a poor experience when you tried to ask for support for trauma in the past. Do you feel able to try again?

I actually wondered from your first post whether you might have experienced trauma when you were younger, because the over-busyness you describe of constantly filling your time etc is a very common response in people running from traumatic past experiences. Combined with the other difficulties you describe it sounded consistent with trauma.

Having read your updates... All the things you are struggling with would absolutely make sense as being the result of trauma. Especially the kind you experienced.

I'm telling you this to offer some reassurance that you weren't wrong to think it was connected, and that people with an understanding of trauma ought to be able to identify it too. It was really wrong the response you had in the past.

There is a little bit of info on the Mind website about trauma and dissociation (and different types of dissociation) which you might find helpful in making sense of what's been happening to you and being able to ask for the right kind of help. As well as what you can do to help yourself.

You're not going mad. This is your brain trying to protect you from something awful that happened, but unfortunately it is doing so in ways you're not finding so helpful!

Good luck and take care.

There is a trauma dissociation questionnaire that mental health professionals use here: traumadissociation.com/des

Whether you answer it or not, reading through what it asks might help you identify your own experiences that are actually dissociation.

P.s. One of the questions on that test is about hearing voices. That can be dissociation too. (It can also be flashbacks...)