Back in my day...

[Littleloafofbread]

Currently muddling through with a toddler and a newborn, and have been receiving quite a lot of advice from DM and MIL.

They are both of the same 'back in my day...' school of thought. Basically it seems that I need to keep a spotless house (don't forget to dust the plants Littleloaf!), try delicious new recipes and have a good home cooked meal on the table every evening, be freshly washed and in smart clothes and makeup by the time DH is home from work, and never ever become even slightly frustrated with a toddler who changes their mind every 2.3 seconds on average (you've got no patience, Littleloaf!)

AIBU to say they are both remembering the early days through slightly rose-tinted specs?

Hoping this as DM is coming round for the day and I can't use the fact that I've only had about 4 hours broken sleep per night this week as a reason to be less than chirpy and efficient all day.

I just remembered a brilliant example. I mentioned to dm that ds needed new school uniform. She very kindly appeared with 2 polos a few days later, lovely. Then said he only needed 2 because have 5 was just creating laundry for myself. 9 year olds don’t really sweat so he’ll be fine in the same one for a couple of days. I don’t know what your 9 years old are like but mine could best be described as grubby. We then had a loooooong conversation about whether it makes sense to do a uniform wash at the weekend with 5 polos, 2/3 jumpers, 2 pairs of trousers, a gym kits and pants and socks or that just kept the laundry basket full! That’s definitely just a case of not remembering.

Ooh MIL is like this. But by all accounts her babies were swaddled and dummied most of the time and only allowed bottles every 4 hours (how?! DS fed every 2!!). And if they cried she put the pram in the garden while she cracked on with housework. DM is a lot more honest and said it basically broke her having a baby and getting everything done so she always advises me to take it as easy as possible!

My mum isn't like this at all! She worked full time when I was growing up (in the 1970s/80s) and the house was usually quite messy. Were your mum and MIL both SAHMs? I guess that's why they have/had higher standards.

OP, please don't spend your time dusting plants when you could be having a nap!

I think it's partly that people don't remember the baby and toddler stage. When they think back to parenting they remember the school years when the children were out all day.

In the early days with 2 children under 2 DH remarked that his mother never let the house get THIS messy. He was remembering his days of returning from sixth form to the house his mother had cleaned all day. Needless to say, he never said it again!

In my day ... some days were like that. Other days were chaos and I struggled to get through.

I did always wear make up, though, because I can't bear to look at me without it. Not the elaborate make up styles of today, I hasten to add.

Life was harder then and I do think women worked really hard - far fewer labour savings devices etc and they did keep a spotless house. There's an element of rose tinted glasses for sure but I do think our generations don't have the will and capacity to work as hard (well mostly) - my friend has her toddler in nursery 4 days a week, a cleaner, meal pack kits and is still unable to shower apparently unless someone comes to her house to watch her newborn and her dp makes aforementioned meals - trust me, I had none of that and no help.

I call it selective amnesia. My mum loves telling me how hard she had it but she managed and got on with it. Really mum ? Well you worked part time, had my dad there with another wage and child care and had constant free childcare during the school holidays - without fail - in the form of my auntie.
I'm a single mum working full time and paying through the nose for child care.

My mum had more appliances and disposable income than I did with toddlers. She had a dishwasher, tumble dryer, tv, freezer. I had none of those. She also claims she was near perfect. We all slept through early, potty trained early, never had tantrums, ate everything and no junk.
Funnily enough I was there. I know my sister still wet the bed at 10, I was a very fussy eater, my sister had massive tantrums and my mum yelled at us and occasionally hit us. And we are a lot of oven food. And the house was a mess.
Rose tinted specs! Smile and nod.

My in-laws do this, I gave them gray rock to most of their comments, until...
Mil: [insert whatever parenting bullshit she suggests from the 1970’s]
Me: things are different now,
MIL: well it never hurt GoJetterMan...
Me: Listen wench, (yes, I called her a wench) I have to live with your son, and I’m telling you that the way you raised him then and the way I’m raising my DC now are nothing alike, never will be because the world you grew up in is galaxies apart from what it is now... either get in line or get the fuck out of my house...

After that we went NC until they could at least not suggest or make bullshit comments about how to parent and expectations of what I should be found with my time...

My MIL is the opposite, she was amazed when she was first coming round and my house wasn't a tip (it's not immaculate but generally clean and tidy), dinner was in the oven or slow cooker and I go out with DS every day. She laughs and says she wouldn't have coped without her mum, there were no car seats back then someone would just hold DH on their lap, he was being given tea in a bottle at six months etc, but she says it in a way that implies oh gosh wasn't it awful, rather than that way was better. She also thinks grobags are marvellous and loves watching the video monitor when she's round in the evening

I'm 38 and my mum always says she gets to enjoy seeing my kids and watch them and that she never did it with us. She has no stories of us as babies sndvon the rare occasion she mentions it they have always changed since last time.
Where were we? Lol

I think people used to parent very differently though! Yes, I could probably do more cooking from scratch etc and deep cleaning, but at the expense of DS - I would have to leave him to cry. Which used to be acceptable/the done thing so I’m not surprised they were able to do more.

I also agree with PPs about how Standards have slipped though in general.

My DM has rose tinted specs what she forgets to mention is that she had more free time than me as she never played with us or took us out anywhere except shops. I’m not close to her now either. I couldn’t imagine hugging her

Op, that's utter bollocks. I'm old. There was less "stuff". Fewer conveniences. That's it. Only on TV, usually American imports, did people have perfect clean homes. Lots of drudgery.
By the way, my tough Dad (wwIi veteran), born in pre war Northern poverty, used to cook and sew for us.

Thank you lovely people, I feel much better already reading your posts

DH and I were both born in the early 80s, the youngest children of slightly older mothers, both in their 70s now. Alas not a bra burner in sight in our families!

Aside from making sure there are clean clothes every morning, a clean kitchen and a decent meal most nights though I think we all secretly prefer the pizza / fish finger and oven chips nights I am not doing much ATM. Frankly my toddler untidies faster than I can tidy, and when I have a quiet moment I would rather be cuddling my newborn than cleaning a plant!

My DM and MIL can be a bit like this. My DM can't believe how my house isn't spotless. She appears to have forgotten that she was a SAHM until I was 3 - and I went to nursery. Then worked part time until I was 10.

Me and my DH both work full time

Leave them to it

Different time then. I think we are the extreme of child centered parenting now in the UK. Back in their day this was not the case. Kids had strict routines and bed times. Slept through the night or cried out. It was much more adult focused with babies and kids expected to fit round them. And the generation before them even more so.

I think this is very true. I was born in the mid-50's, my brother 10 years later.

I was left to make my own entertainment and play, look at books etc while my mum got on with stuff, and my brother used to sleep in his pram in the garden in the morning and be put in a playpen for a couple of hours in the afternoon, while my mum got on with housework and cooking. And there were a lot more chores to do, too: no washing machine, no ready meals, almost all clothes needed ironing, walk to the supermarket to get the shopping and so on. And she used to walk the dog twice a day! Looking back on it, she must have been superwoman.

Admittedly, there was less stuff to waste time on: no internet and no daytime tv.

My MIL was like this, in my day..... I had no help from grandparents, we didn't have a cleaner, we didn't go out for 20 years etc. She had one child and was a SAHM, I had two under 3 and worked 3 days a week, it was tough. I would just ignore her, she didn't have a clue what it was like.

My DB and I regularly have a laugh about DM and her comments to us about how she never had the issues we do with our DC. According to her we were total angels. No issues with naps. Slept well at night. Never ill. Never stroppy. No tantrums. We don’t believe a word of it! Not helpful comments for us, annoying, but we just ignore her now because it won’t change

I really dislike the unwanted advice that my mil gives that is based on raising her children 30 years ago as a lot of it is not what is now advised. She also speaks about things in present tense such as “nurseries work like this....” which turns out to be when her children went to nursery and not particularly helpful.
My own mum only gives advice when it’s actually asked for and doesn’t make comments about my parenting other than positive ones. Having said that my mil helps a lot lot more than my mum does so it’s swings and roundabouts really as I’d be on my knees with tiredness without her

I knew a woman whose mum swore blind both of her kids were potty trained and out of nappies at 9 months. Now, I didn’t have kids but surely a 9 month old can’t be out of nappies.

Luckily she took it with a pinch of salt. After momentarily feeling shit about her 3yo still needing night time nappies.

I think there's definitely rose tinted glasses with grandparents - they remember having a clean tidy house at all times, which they probably did but when the kids were much older,not when they were in nappies and needing entertaining all the time. DM also had a firm routine and potty trained really early- but in fact spend most days at home and probably stuck us on the potty every half an hour, rather than any of us actually being reliably dry at a young age. I also remember DM telling me she never left us to cry and comforted us immediately, despite having 3 kids so pretty sure someone was left crying at some point! MIL is quite similar and as an pp commented there are often little contradictions, which she doesn't notice- take it all with a pinch of salt! I have a messy house, go out every day and have generally happy kids!

Talking to my own DM she admits that when e you remember things about your kids the exact age sometimes gets a bit fuzzy

Mothers in the generation before mine claimed to have their babies out of nappies by a year. The used to 'hold them out' over potties from a very early age. I can see why they did it, to save washing, but we wouldn't have regarded it as 'training'.
My own generation started potty training around 2, and by 2 and a half most children were out of nappies. Again it was cloth nappies that were the motivator. Two years of stinking nappy buckets and most of us had had enough!
My third was born into the era of disposables, and proved much harder to train without the feeling of cold wet towelling between his legs to spur him on.

*My mum kept a very clean house, but she did this by leaving me to scream myself to sleep, and I only stopped screaming because I eventually worked out no one was going to come and comfort me, she used to turn the vacuum on to drown out the noise. She also never used to play with me, I had to entertain myself.

She has now said she regrets using those parenting methods that were popular 30 years ago but thought she was doing the right thing at the time. Times have changed*

I really don't think these methods were common 30 years ago. This sounds like poor parenting and that happens in every generation.

I'm a 61 year old granny with 6 DC (40 to early 20s) and back in my day spotless homes were less important than caring for and entertaining pre school DC. I can only speak for myself, my three sisters and friends. We had our children at home full time for longer. My eldest 3 didn't start school until the term after their 5th birthday. Nursery schools were rare and reception year didn't exist. DC did go to playgroups (ran by mums and older ladies from the church etc.) 2 or 3 mornings per week.

I was a SAHM but I still had to work because we needed the cash just as young families do now. I cleaned factory offices (all closed now), and often did 'outwork' too. Simple repetitive tasks for local factories. It was very poorly paid but it fitted in with the DC. I often sat doing it until 2 am. Fortunately all my babies were good sleepers.

Housework was done. We always had clean clothes and DH shirts and DD's summer dresses were ironed but I didn't bother with anything else. For the first 3 DC I had a twin tub machine (wedding gift from parents), so I did have to do the washing not just stick it in the machine and press the switch. We couldn't afford a tumble dryer so getting terries dry was a nightmare at times. Disposables were around but they were useless and expensive. Still maybe we were doing our bit for the planet without knowing. I did keep the kitchen and bathroom clean and I would vacuum the living area most days. Upstairs was done a few times a year by DH. I would of course clean up after the DC until they were old enough to do their own rooms DH also cleaned the windows inside and out. Polishing was something my mother-in-law did. I did it at Christmas. I did dust with a damp cloth when I noticed it needed doing.

We always ate well and I enjoy cooking. Yes I did make sure I cooked a meal for when DH was home and I never had a problem with that. He kept the old banger of a car on the road and grew most of our veg. Traditional male/female roles I guess but it worked for us. Our shopping was done at local shops 3 or 4 times per week. We went to a large ASDA once a month for two trolley loads. The local shops have all closed now.

The early years are difficult for every generation OP. Plenty of time for living in a show home when the DC are grown up.