Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws forgot DD's first birthday

14 replies

Jojomamanhehe · 26/04/2019 21:25

Background is a very strained relationship between DP and his family. His Mum refused to meet me for years before I got pregnant, and they have only met their GD twice (their choice, I have always welcomed them). At best over the 8 years we have been together they have been incredibly rude, at worst I find their behaviour really intimidating. They have been racist towards me in the past. MIL in particular loves to show off photos of DD, but otherwise has limited interest.

Today was my DDs first birthday and they have not acknowledged it at all. No text/card. Literally nothing.

I think this is totally unforgivable, but I am so numb to their behaviour now I would like some other opinions. This is horrible right? Although contact is limited they are the still involved in our lives and I just don't know how much more I can put up with.

OP posts:
jumperoo123 · 26/04/2019 21:34

Yes this is horrible. My DS is 8 month and has only met his dads parents once when he was about 10 week old!

I would be really upset if they didn't even acknowledge his birthday!

brassbrass · 26/04/2019 21:35

I think the birthday card is the least of your worries. Your priorities are all screwed.

If your relationship is strained and they have been rude and racist towards you why on earth would you even expect a birthday card? I would have zero expectations and minimal to zero contact.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/04/2019 21:38

Missing a birthday in itself isn't something to worry about. My mil wouldn't have a first clue when dds birthdays are. It just isn't important to her and that's absolutely fine. The other stuff isn't though.

Bambamber · 26/04/2019 21:40

Going by what you've written here, I'm not sure why you care or would expect anything more from them? They are rude racists with limited interest in your daughter, don't waste any headspace on them and don't let them get to you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 21:43

If your relationship is strained and they have been rude and racist towards you why on earth would you even expect a birthday card? I would have zero expectations and minimal to zero contact..

That sums up my reaction too. Your in laws are very unpleasant people. The less you expect of them the better.

Think - do you want a relationship with them going forward? Because they are likely to say racist things in front of your DD when she's old enough to take them in, even about her. She deserves so much better.

Original poster
Jojomamanhehe · 26/04/2019 21:48

Thank you for the replies. Absolutely aware that this is the very least of my worries but I just wanted some outside perspective on this particular incident. Working on caring less :)

OP posts:
Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 26/04/2019 21:48

I'd be really mad and hurt ... their other behaviour is disgusting of course, but as an adult you can reason that these peolle are not your kin and cope with these awful people. When it's directed against your child( by her blood relations ) it definitely hurts a lot more.
There may be many to say it's just a birthday but I thought my child's first birthday shoukd ve special to family too. Ditch them

Original poster
Jojomamanhehe · 26/04/2019 22:00

prawnofthepatriarchy absolutely not, but I dont think DP would ever cut them out entirely and I don't want DD to feel I deprived her of any sort of relationship when she is older? I do have an agreement with DP that she will never ever be left alone with them for even a minute, and if anybody says anything racist in my house or infront of DD they will of course be leaving immediately and not welcome back.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 26/04/2019 22:01

That’s awful. What does DP say?

Original poster
Jojomamanhehe · 26/04/2019 22:11

Beeziekn33ze he is really upset. He is 10 years older than me and the most easy going man on the planet (blessing and curse!). He has obviously been dealing with them much longer than me and is a pro at just switching off when it comes to their nonsense, but this has really rattled him. On the plus side - I have lovely parents who love him like their own son and who he adores

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 22:20

On the plus side - I have lovely parents who love him like their own son and who he adores.

That's very good news. Something to celebrate. So your DD has one lot of lovely grandparents. That's one more than some DC have.

It's hard and I perfectly understand your disappointment. But I think you're going to have to let it go. They're never going to be the people you hoped for. Keep your distance and don't expect anything much.

Passtherioja · 26/04/2019 22:53

Let DP deal with it. Ho with him to visit if he arranges it, chat politely if required and make no major effort whatsoever. You need to support your DP but not at the expense of your DD feelings or your own. Do you really want these in laws to have any input in your child's development? I'd have thought they'll only bring negative traits to the table! Turn up when required but instigate nothing.

OKBobble · 26/04/2019 23:52

My DS is 17 and yet to receive a birthday or christmas card or present from the inlaws as they " don't do birthdays" apparently . They do apparently do them for DSS and DH's brother's 3 kids though.

At first it did upset me but now I keep contact minimal! Their loss.

Rosesaredead · 27/04/2019 00:47

I'd not be so worried about the birthday but the other stuff would upset me a lot

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread