Kissing on the cheek

[MsLayla]

Whenever I see my FIL he kisses me on both cheeks. The double cheek kiss. When he arrives and then again when he leaves.

Even if he pops in for a cup of tea for 20mins. Or is kindly babysitting DS for an hour or two.

We see him at least once a week and I find it really uncomfortable and unnecessary. I'm not someone who minds tactile interaction, if a kiss or a hug seems appropriate then ok, I'll do it. But I'm beginning to really dislike this. And it's too frequent. AIBU? Is there a way to very politely get this to stop.

Btw - He doesn't kiss DH like this, his son. It's just a 'hello, how's it going' type thing.

Do we have the same FIL!? I find it really fucking weird. FIL seems to do it with all women.

Don’t stand too close to him, when he is leaving stay well back or just nip to the loo.

My fil gave me a hug once as he was leaving and really clinched me, my breasts were squashed against him never again. I’m the one at the back waving him off...

You don't like it so stop allowing it to happen. Not victim blaming here but there are two possibilities here.

1 he has no idea you don't like it
2 he doesn't care if you like it and just likes physical proximity to women

Either way you don't NEED to let him kiss you.

When he goes in for the kiss say "Oh no better not. I've got a flu starting"

And step smartly back. If he chases you then you're in your rights to put up your hand and say "Really no..." and walk away to do something else.

Next time...just say "No thanks!" and step back.

Fuck him if he's offended. You're not on the earth to please men.

Is he British?

Families are different. In my family it would be a completely normal level of affection. But then we are a family who (gasp & pearl clutch) kiss each other on the lips 😂

He's just being affectionate and probably has no idea you don't like it. It's only a small thing, just try to not let it bother you. It's not like he's squeezing your bum or something 😂 I'm sure it isn't anything "creepy".

@Flaverings Yep he is British.

I've tried hiding in the kitchen during the arrival / departure but he walks in to find me and do the cheek kiss. Or when I try the going to the loo trick he'll just wait until I come back. If I stay upstairs during the arrival, as soon as I come down he'll stand up and walk over to kiss on the cheek, even if I'm carrying laundry or something to look busy.

The illness 'don't come too close I've got a bug' has worked well but it's not something I can say all the time.

I'm embarrassed that this has become an issue it seems so silly but I just don't want to be rude to him he does so much to help our family.

What is it about it that bothers you OP?

I’d keep using the illness excuse. What’s he going to do? If he calls you on it just shrug and say maybe you don’t want to kiss him.

You should just say jokingly "I only saw you on Tuesday Des, a " Hi op, how are you?" will do. If I go out to sea for six months you can kiss me when you see me, otherwise hello is fine"

He thinks it's good manners and a way of showing you that he values and respects you. The double cheek kiss happens a lot to me professionally, basically older English men who feel that in any situation where they would shake hands with a man, they should kiss a women on the cheek. Very old fashioned, but almost always coming from a nice place, not a weird place.

If you aren't comfortable with it, you'll need to find a way to tactfully and kindly tell him, which is of course absolutely your right.

My family don't do the both cheeks thing but we do kiss on one cheek when we meet and when we leave. The men in the family shake hands with the other men or some do a hand grasp and a half body hug at the same time. If I see my DB for 20 minutes we would still kiss hello and goodbye. Always done it so I presume it has just been passed down the generations

My PIL never used to kiss us and the day MIL suddenly did I felt great. It was like I'd been accepted. She lost her mum very young so was brought up by her father so possibly less demonstrative in those days.

It's just something a lot of families do by tradition.

I don't particularly like it when friends and acquaintances do it but it seems to have become the norm these days.

If you feel uncomfortable though I suppose you shouldn't put up with it. I'm not sure how you do this though without offending your FIL. The fact that he doesn't do it to his son isn't unusual. It doesn't sound at all inappropriate though. I think he's showing they love and accept you as part of the family. Does MIL kiss you too?

No you can't say you're ill all the time...what I"m saying is say it once and the next time just be clear that you don't want a kiss.

That's your RIGHT! It's your fucking body. Don't go giving into pressure!

@HennyPennyHorror the guy hasn't done anything wrong... He has no idea the OP doesn't like it and is if anything being nice and displaying affection (albeit slightly misjudged). I must say I really think your "fuck him if he's offended" attitude is really rather gung ho and misplaced.

Be glad he's not Dutch- then it would be 3 kisses!

Baby well probably so...what I'm trying badly to get across is that too many women put up with physical contact with men that they don't want...because of conditioning.

I don't really mean "fuck him" I mean...fuck that shit in general.

I have found the way to deter in-law kissing.As they begin to move in, step back extend your hand for a handshake and beam widely.

My in laws do it and I find it cringey.

I sometimes do this when I am home in the UK, and see people look a bit surprised, but I live in France and its normal here with people you know, even the local shop and bar owners kiss me probably because friends and I keep them in business

it did take some getting used to though, if you are not comfortable then just say so

Urgh I would hate that OP. I don’t mind a hug goodbye if the setting is right eg when you’ve had a lovely time together or it’s been a special occasion but not kissing every single time.

Honestly I think the only way out of this is either you or DH tell him you’re not comfortable with it. Yes it might be awkward initially but far better than this going on for the next god knows how ever many years.