AIBU to feel like Ricky Gervais in After Life?

[Hopandaskipjump]

So I had a massive strange medical event + major surgery nine months ago, nearly died, kind of thing they write medical articles about it was so freaky. Lots of pain, long recovery time and since then I'm kind of ... short, with people. I find myself getting irritated by what I now see as time wasting and wittering. I just can't be arsed engaging with folk talking about does my boyfriend want to commit (no and he's a twat, wake up) or do you think I should get a puppy (who fucking cares, probably not, they're shit). It's like I've got the superpower he talks about to be rude to everyone because I nearly died and everything else is inconsequential and why are they fucking bothering me with this garbage. But then I think if I carry on like this I'll die lonely and alone and cross and that's not winning anyway. But I honestly can't be fucked with thinking about all of the nonsense.

I know how you feel...my mum has had pancreatic cancer for 4 years and has got secondary cancer in her lungs...she was admitted to hospital on Monday with pneumonia and we were told to say our goodbyes...yesterday she was sat up eating chips, we have been told she only has days or weeks left...when I dropped my Dd off at school I had to avoid a woman I work with because she would if got a massive Fuck off..because she would of started to moan about her minor illnesses...sometimes we just have no patience. Your not being unreasonable.

I think you should reinvent yourself as an agony aunt - you'd be brilliant!

Should I get a puppy? No, they're shit.
Should I leave my boyfriend? Yes, he's a twat.
Should I complain to the hairdresser? Yes, you look a sight

You're funny op 😁

Aveeno2017 oh you poor love. Of course you don't want to talk to her. Save your talking and energy for your lovely mum.

Ruggypeg see this is part of my dilemma. At heart I think I'm right. If you cut out all the bullshit it is perfectly clear. But no one wants to hear it. Apart from my boss, who gave me a pay rise. And I'd been off for ages this year. But my direct logic was unassailable.

It’s completely normal OP! I have a rare type of skin cancer and my patience has been running thin lately. If my OH starts a pointless argument or anything I get very frustrated and tell him I don’t have time for it. Same in public with people walking slow, blocking my way etc. I don’t show any anger but I definitely think it in my head, and huff a bit. I hate people moaning about their problems in front of me too. One of my friends had the audacity to moan about their luxury hotel room in front of me, knowing full well I want to travel but can’t It’s just a form of anxiety and it gets better, don’t worry

Have you developed PDSD?

PTSD*

Be honest, you probably weren't the suffering fools gladly type beforehand, were you?!

Ricky Gervais plays the same insenstive arsehole in everything. People don't really tend to have massive long-term personality changes after trauma (unless the brain is injured) it just tends to exacerbate what was already there.

You can tell RG's Afterlife character was already a bit of a cock beforehand, he was just better able to keep it to himself. In fact, if the film Before Sunset is correct, neither winning the lottery or the reverse tend to change people's core personalities much once the initial shock wears off.

I don't think it's PTSD as I don't have flashbacks etc. I'm just cross.

Balloonyellow interesting about people moving slowly. I'm the opposite as I did move very slowly after my op for ages so I've become super aware of everyone who might be a bit fragile etc. The other day I was on the bus and this young guy pushed past a woman with a walker so I rammed him in the ribs with my big hard handbag and asked her if she was alright. Someone is going to punch me one of these days.

Yy rufflecrow I'm sure you're right. I just kept all of that buttoned before and didn't know it was there. But because I didn't know it was there I don't know how to deal with it!

Sorry if my reply made me sound like an arsehole myself (i actually am internally a lot if the time if i'm honest, but like you say I just think it rather than saying it). I think you've obviously been through a lot and probably could do with some good quality counselling to help you integrate and deal with the trauma.

I have a brilliant CBT practitioner who is very 'short and blunt'. Don't rule them out!

Oh Christ well I guess that's where my payrise is going then as that appears to be the general consensus. Superpowers are expensive. And you don't come across as an arsehole at all fwiw.

@Hopandaskipjump I nearly died from meningitis last year, and my tolerance level for bullshit has dropped through the floor. I thought it would improve but it only gets less, and I can't hide my irritation because it shows all over my face.

Hop - I was going to say, you'll end up in a fight before long.

I hope you frequent AIBU and give the fools of the world both barrels! Get it all off your chest there and save the very limited amount of patience you have for people who potentially might sock you one in the teeth!

I was diagnosed with very aggressive cancer in 2012, given a very poor chance of surviving. I felt exactly the same as you, used to listen to people bang on about pointless shit and in my head I'd be screaming 'no-one cares, just fucking shut up'. I literally used to walk down the street looking at other people and thinking, you have no idea, I am a dead man walking and look at you strutting around. Everyone and everything pissed me off.

It took about 18 months for the turnaround to start, I didn't die and as the months and years went on I started caring again about little things and moaning myself about inconsequential stuff.

Hopefully the process for you will be the same, you've been through an incredible life-changing event and the aftermath needs to be worked through.

I think it will wear off op, just as his did.

DD was quite ill last year and the beginning part of this, and we still don’t know what is wrong, it could have been something unthinkable, but her symptoms have settled, touch wood.

During that time my patience was Reed thin. Friends who I had given so much time to, listening to their (comparably) trivial worries, weren’t really interested in what was going on with us, and worse, carried on boring me with their nonsense. It was a wake up call as to how one sided my support network was. Luckily I work in a hospital so had some good support there and one of our counsellors saw me and was fantastic to just be listened to properly. My mum was also brilliant.

I cancelled nights out with groups as couldn’t bear the small talk, I resented people who had well children but were moaning about relative nonsense. I also had a short fuse with dickheads.

You are quite right in that you end up not caring about consequences of reacting honestly to people instead of usual polite veneer. I feel more normal again now but I really don’t sweat the small stuff anymore and never intend to.

Hi OP, the clue that it might be PTSD is that you avoid thinking about medical things and feel irritable when it comes up.

You might not tick all the boxes for that diagnosis, however, if you don’t think about the memories your brain can’t process what happened and it will keep you in a threat state (maybe at the moment this is taking the form of a surge of action and motivation, just what we need to do in times of threat and danger, because your brain is good at survival).

You can see what happens, it might get better on its own, but my advice would be to let yourself think about the hospital, with a therapist if possible. It will be horrible but then you can get to a new normal.

I love your description, its a fascinating response to your NDE.

My daughter nearly died about 18 months ago. Similar to you, major surgery, long painful recovery.

My husband has a long standing very serious medical condition. He has had several rounds of major surgery, nearly died more than once. We will never have an all clear and have lived with continual uncertainty since 2004.

Therapy is very much worthwhile. Dd has had specialist trauma therapy and it had made such a huge difference. I can't recommend it enough. What I've learned over the past 15 years is that you can't taint the rest of your life that isn't affected by illness - it's there to be enjoyed. Therapy will help you to find the joy in things again.

I’m sorry you went through such a bad trauma. I too suffered a medical/near death trauma several years ago and was left with ptsd and was in constant fight or flight mode (mainly fight in my case) I was hyper vigilant which made me examine everything detail of everything to establish its worth/threat level. I was just too tired to deal with bull shit.

Cbt probably saved my life but it took psychotherapy to enable me to live it again.

But I have accepted the trauma has made me a different person. I started distinguishing between needs and wants. I still dislike the constant blurring of the two by most. I realised I was a bit of a loner and didn’t really need people in the way we are constantly told we do.

I spent a long time trying to get the old me back, but now accept that old me has gone, changed by my NDE.

I’ve spent time in therapy finding out the “new me” which I suspect now was me all along stripped back of the shit we are told we must be. I have embraced the fact I now have very different perspectives on things to most because I don’t blindly follow shot just to fit in.

FWIW I cried when I watched after life. I could feel every scene. Especially his relationship with his dog. I doubt I would be here today if it wasn’t for my dog (loved the scene where the guy told him to put the dog on the lead , I could see the stream coming out the collective mumsnetters eats lol).

@pandamodium I am sad that you had to go through that. I hope the counselling helped, even a little.

Btw my good CBT person is NHS

I was the same after my DD died - had no time for people’s trivial nonsense. I can’t put my finger on when it lessened/passed - luckily some of it transferred into a better attitude to work (nobody’s going to die if the report isn’t 100% perfect) but I still feel it sometimes amongst the people I know who make a big deal out of small things (or maybe I’m just more aware of it now).

I think you need to find a place of contentment, not happiness, we constantly chase happiness, but happiness is an extreme emotion, just like sadness. It’s not healthy or desirable to constantly feel both.

I found looking into the principles Buddhism and mindfulness helped.

Once you’re content with yourself you can deal with the bullshit of others better because you have an imperimiable barrier to bullshit. Just be kind to others who think the shit is important. I’ve come to realise that what we see of most people is a facade made up of what they think they should be. People generally like that because it makes people predictable. Show the real you and it initially puts people on edge as you’re suddenly not predictable. People like boxes and some people find it difficult not to be in a box. Mix with the people milling about outside the predictable. They’re much more interesting.

It’s possible to develop symptoms of ptsd without full blown ptsd. Speak to a therapist. If you can go private as you can then choose one you connect with.

I know how you feel. I felt like this after my daughter almost died (for the second time in 2 years). I felt like every day small issues were irrelevant. People fretting about their kids having a slight temp made me furious. I kept it inside though, and it passed in time. I can now gossip about irrelevant crap again, and enjoy it! I still have a fairly laid back attitude to minor and some major problems though. I'm also very good under stress, because not much will ever be as stressful as that night. Give it time OP.