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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Huge family feud

15 replies

mumof1welsh · 25/04/2019 20:02

Writing this looking for advice was don't know where else I can get impartial advice from!

I have a 10 month old son with my long term (now ex partner) of 10 years. We live apart in separate cities, as he works away. The arrangement we had whilst I was pregnant was that myself and the baby would live at home until he was 1 and his father had found somewhere settled and we would come and live with him. (We had met in my hometown although he isn't from here so that's where myself and the baby have stayed. His work means he moves around every few years) his work atm has meant he is living back at home with his family.

I have known his family for the majority of the time we have been together and have not had any major problems with them (except his sister) until now. His sister has always been offensive, rude and extremely immature. Has made comments such as "I took her brother away" etc and has always gone out of her way to make me feel little. She's younger than me.

Due to situations that have been created (I will not go into detail as they will know it's me if one of them sees this) my family hate my ex partner, they all hate me and it's resulted in the break down of mine and the babies fathers relationship. Neither families are speaking as they hate each other and the babies father willl not apologised or speak to my family for his behaviour towards them despite me speaking to his mother to resolve an issue between us. His mother however is now ignoring me as I would not go to her house (which I haven't done for months) to be around his siblings that have been bad mouthing me. This is breaking down our relationship and it's not fair.

Has anyone else had experience of a family breakdown like this and ressolved it? Happy to answer questions for more details ?

Thanks xxx

OP posts:

OKBobble · 25/04/2019 20:08

If your partner is your ex partner you do not need to have anything to do with his family.

I would just concentrate on making up with your own family if the only reason you fell out with them is because of him.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2019 20:09

The bottom line is that you can't control other people, and you can't force anyone to apologise or insist they work out issues between them. If I were you, I would distance myself from your ex's family and just focus on your child and your family. Also, I fail to see why your family and your ex's family need to have anything to do with each other. You are broken up so everyone should just get on with their lives.

mondaylisasmile · 25/04/2019 20:20

Why do your family and his even need to speak or interact much, you've split up with ex so they're no longer your problem.

Focus on ensuring a healthy, strong bond between you, DC and ex partner. It's his job to facilitate a strong relationship between DC and his family, and yours too.

I think you're overcomplicating things - you can't force a happy, broad extended family network for your DC artificially.. and since it's not there naturally, move on.

Just focus on your DC, ensuring he's a good co-parent & rebuilding your own family relationship if you want that.

In case I'm not being blunt enough... Don't try and force your ex to speak to your family, apologize, etc - it's too late, he's an ex... Stop talking to his mum about any issues you have with ex...

HBStowe · 25/04/2019 20:33

If you and your ex have broken up it sounds like you can focus on rebuilding your relationship with your own family. If he was the source of the problem, that should hopefully be resolved now!

Original poster

mumof1welsh · 25/04/2019 20:42

Hi all,

I think I've confused everyone so wanted to clarify...

So me and the babies father have parted ways bcos of this feud. It's not bcos we have wanted to, we just think that bcos of the feeling everyone else has we are finding it extremely difficult to stay together. Also, I haven't fallen out with my own family! Sorry if I wasn't clear x

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2019 20:56

What is this feud about? Is it a serious issue or simply big egos who can't get over themselves?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/04/2019 20:57

Also, if you and your partner want to be together, maybe you should move away from your families.

IvanaPee · 25/04/2019 21:00

Your families don’t need to speak to each other or to either of you.

If you want to be together then you find a way. There are plenty of people on here who don’t speak to in-laws etc.

If family issues have made you split then it’s probably not that great between you anyway. Best to split now while your child is too young to be caught in the middle.

If you want to find a way forward then you need to stop listening to your families so much. *unless he’s been abusive or something.

bridgetreilly · 25/04/2019 21:03

Oh, well in that case, you need to move to the new place with him, where neither of your families are around to keep sticking the boot in. You'll each need to prioritise the other over any other family relationships. Do it for yourselves and for your child.

NoHolidaysforyou · 25/04/2019 21:06

The only way your partner will ever have a normal relationship with you is if he cuts the apron strings, supports you, and goes no contact with anyone in his family that disrespects you as the mother of his child. If he's not willing to do that then he will never work out for anyone and will just have a series of bs relationships. Let him go if he's not willing to back you and make sure his family respects you. He will be a problem partner to whoever he is with.

weloveicecream · 25/04/2019 21:10

This is exactly what I have suggested however babies father is extremely close to his family and believes I should be close with them too despite what they have been like.

I think it is a lot to do with egos but a lot of it has become quite serious. For example they have said I don't allow them to see my son bcos I won't bring him to them bare in mind they live 4 hours away and none of them have ever suggested coming to us to see him. It's been me bringing him every time and staying elsewhere as they continue to be vile.

I would be happy for neither in-laws to speak to each other etc and continue the relationship but babies dad won't agree 🤷🏽‍♀️

weloveicecream · 25/04/2019 21:12

@NoHolidaysforyou this is exactly what has happened with his relationships before me. Never lasted as his family have disliked the girl and brainwashed him until he got rid of her.

weloveicecream · 25/04/2019 21:13

@NoHolidaysforyou this is exactly what has happened with his relationships before me. Never lasted as his family have disliked the girl and brainwashed him until he got rid of her.

DistanceCall · 25/04/2019 21:33

It's not bcos we have wanted to, we just think that bcos of the feeling everyone else has we are finding it extremely difficult to stay together.

So you love your child's father but are pandering to your family's wishes? (And he to his family's wishes).

Grow a spine, both of you.

Rafabella8 · 25/04/2019 22:57

The tail is wagging the dog here. You both need to sort this out. He needs to cut the apron strings (as an earlier poster said) and you need to stop worrying about others' opinions.

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